One Summer with the Sinner (Monteverde Series 5)

39

Chapter Thirty-Nine

VANE JASON

Five years ago, the person who lived two blocks away committed suicide by hanging himself on his bedroom. It took the authorities two weeks to find the body. Everyone was shocked when Spanish media aired the news, especially because this man was a well-loved news anchor himself. He was famous for the charities and environmental causes he supported and strongly fought for. People mourned, people felt sorry, people paid their tributes. But months later, people moved on, as people normally do, as people normally should.

As I lowered my body into the cold pool water, I was thinking about how long it will possibly take for anyone to find my body if I ever get the nerve to do something just as drastic and permanent. My train of thoughts scared me, not because I'm afraid of dying, because I'm not, but because I never imagined this option will ever cross my mind. I eat healthy, I work out, hence I've always pictured myself either dying from old age, or because of an unfortunate accident. But this life is testing me and dissolving my rationale. I wonder, will people mourn for me the same way? Or will they feel relieved that the world has one less shitty person to worry about?

I looked expectantly at the sky, waiting for the raindrops I know will not come tonight. It seemed appropriate for the clouds to cry with me, but alas, maybe the clouds have also run out of tears to shed.

It's crazy how fast my life fell into ruin. One moment, I have the entire world at the tip of my fingers, and the next thing I know, I've lost everything I've grown to care for. The world has stripped me of my pride, my dignity, and left me not even with the smallest fraction of either.

As I've predicted, the scandal did spread like wildfire. People feasted over it, talked about it, and went crazy for it. I decided to deactivate all my social media accounts, not because I'm too scared to read what they have to say about me, but because I'd have no use for it anymore.

Yesterday, I lost the love of my life.

Today, I lost my job.

I fear for what more I must lose if I wake up for another day. The world has taken too much from me. It took my father at a young age, it drove away the person that I love more than anything, and it took away my entire career. If all these aren't enough to break one's soul and reduce it to dust, I don't know what is. I have nothing else to offer apart from all my misery and sadness. My heart feels too heavy. Up until today, I didn't know regret could weigh this much.

I want to get high and get drunk to forget my losses.

I want to pass out on the streets and wake up with absolutely no recollection at all.

But I know that no matter how much alcohol I consume, I'll eventually become sober. And when I'm sober, all the pain I'm desperately trying so hard to run away from will catch up to me, coming in huge waves, drowning me all over again and snuffing out all my breaths.

So instead, I do nothing, but sit here, cold, broken, and alone, wondering what to do with what's left of this life. And then I ask myself once more... Is there even anything else left in this life for me?

I wish I can stay long enough to find out.

Harvey and Maverick are taking turns trying to call me, but after that one phone call with Luciana, I don't think I have the courage and energy to answer one more phone call for the day. Luciana told me that she's terminating the contract, and although it hurt like hell to suddenly find yourself jobless after a break-up, I didn't try to convince her to change her decision. She sounded like she's practiced the lines before giving me the call. And if there's one thing I've learned from Asheng when she left yesterday, it's that there's nothing much a person can do to sway the decision of someone who's already made up their mind.