A Dauntless Love

Chapter 30

Marley brought me home then returned to Candor. She told me she would make sure that they gave me Eric's body. I walked to the apartment by myself and the silence of Dauntless was overwhelming. I didn't pass a single person on my way to the apartment. I could feel my clothes beginning to stick to me as the blood dried. I opened the door to our, my, apartment and my composure was lost. Seeing Eric's things all around me made the absence of him that much more obvious. I wanted to go lie on the bed and smell Eric's pillow and be wrapped in his clothes. I was still covered in his blood though and I didn't want to ruin his things. I went to the bathroom and peeled the bloodstained clothes off of me. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realized why everyone looked so scared of me. It was like my face had hardened at the moment of Eric's death. My scarlet hair burned an even brighter red to contrast the blood that covered me. My green eyes were no longer sparkling but had an emerald blaze in them. My makeup had run when I was crying so my eyes were smudged black. I turned away from the mirror. I didn't need to see myself like that.

I turned on the water and stepped in. I watched as the water turned red and washed down the drain. I scrubbed at my arms and hands where the majority of the blood was at. I grabbed Eric's soap and smelled it. A sob caught in my throat then released with a cry of anguish. I slid down the wall and sat down. The hot water continued to wash over me but my entire body felt cold. I held Eric's soap tightly against me. I looked down at my rounded belly and rubbed the soap on it.

"Oh baby I'm so sorry." I said.

My tears began to flow again as I thought about everything I had lost. I was going to have to go through my pregnancy alone. I was going to have to deliver my baby, alone. I was going to raise my baby, alone. All the plans Eric and I had made were gone. I looked at the ring on my finger. We would never get married. I would never feel his arms wrapped around me in a warm embrace again. I would never feel the slid of his skin against mine again. Never again would I wake up to Eric's face. Never again would I hear his raspy good morning greeting. I was truly and utterly alone. I felt like my heart had been torn from my chest and nothing would ever be able to replace it again.

I heard the front door open and for a split second I thought it was Eric. Just that quickly I had forgotten that he was dead. It was like a fresh wound when I remembered that he was gone. Marley came into the bathroom and looked at me.

"Oh god Liz what are you doing sitting there in that cold water?"

The water had gone cold long ago but I hadn't noticed. I had lost track of time as I just stared at the wall. She turned off the water and grabbed a towel. She wrapped me in it and pulled me out of the shower.

"Come on Liz. I'm going to put you to bed. You need to rest sweetie."

I blindly followed Marley to my bedroom. It hurt even more to be in here. Eric's things were exactly where he left them. It was like they were waiting for him to come back. There was a glass of water on his nightstand that was half full. His boots were in a heap by the closet and the door was hanging open. His laundry was sitting in the basket waiting to be folded. All of these things were so mundane but so painful to realize. Eric would never drink the rest of that water, or organize those boots or fold that laundry. I collapsed right there on the floor in a heap.

"I...I...can't...he's gone. Eric is gone."

Marley pulled me to my feet again.

"I know Liz. He is gone but you are not. Neither is your baby. Sweetie you have to take care of your baby. Now please let me get you in bed. You don't have to sleep but you need to relax. Do it for the baby."

I nodded. I grabbed some of Eric's clothes and put them on. I just needed to smell him right now. The shirt I put on was one that he had been wearing yesterday and it still smelled so strongly of him. Marley pulled back the covers and I got in the bed. I scooted to Eric's side and pulled his pillow against me. His scent was all around me.

"I'm going to stay here tonight okay. I'm going to sleep on the couch if you need me."

I didn't answer Marley but she must have left because I heard the door close. The room was silent and dark. I closed my eyes and breathed in the smell of Eric. I could almost pretend that nothing had happened. I could tell myself that Eric was just working late. I could tell myself a lot of things but it wouldn't change the truth. I put my hands on my baby bump and gently stroked. If it were only me I would have given up. I would have chosen to die with Eric. It is not just me now though. My child and Eric's child lived inside of me. This baby was the last piece of Eric left in this world. It would be the only part of him that I could keep. I would live for this baby. I was not going to give up. As much as I wanted to give up I couldn't. This baby needed me and I owed it to them, Eric and myself to be the best mother I could be. My baby would never know their father in the flesh but I was going to make sure they knew everything there was to know about their father. They would know Eric even though they did not know him. I focused on the thought of my child as I tried to sleep. Tomorrow I would wake up and face the rest of my life. Tomorrow I had to be strong for them. I would lay the love of my life to rest and then continue with my life. Tomorrow was the start of my life as a single mother.