The Story of us

Chapter 37:- Mothers

Wo kanwal Jin ko kabhi un ke liye khilna tha

Un ki nazron se bahut dur bhi khil sakte hain

- Sahir Ludhainvi

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"But it's so sudden. Did something happen? You rarely visit me. And when you are here, you are bidding goodbye. What's going on?" Haseena's mother asked.

"Bas hum ek dfa aapse mil kar jana chahte the."

"Lekin Kahan? You are going on a trip? Or some mission?"

"I have applied for a certain job in the department and until the logistics are sorted out, I am leaving for Mumbai. " Haseena shifted near the couch where her mother was seated.

"But you can stay here in Lucknow till then. What's the hurry?" 

"Humara dil uth chuka hai iss shehar se Ammi. I don't think that I can inhale the air of this city." She sat on the floor and kept her head in Ammi's lap. "Besides, my leaving this city will make things easier for you. You won't have to face the humiliation of having a lesbian daughter."
Her mother was about to say something when Haseena interrupted "Will you please just listen today Ammi? For one last time? "

She didn't look at her mother for approval. Instead, she took the silence as the green signal. Tears were forming in her eyes. Her grip became stronger and she continued.

"Zaroori nahi ke humhe zindagi mein sab kuch miley. And you know that there are some things I can never have or experience. That's the reality." She brushed her face more into her ammi's thighs "I want to be normal Ammi. I just want to be normal. Why can't I love a man? Why am I doomed to love a woman? Why this heartache is killing me? Why I ever fell in love? " This time she could no longer hold back her tears. They were continuously flowing as she speaks "Ammi you know.......... I want to see her happy. I respect her decisions. But Ammi it hurts. It hurts a lot. " She paused for a breath. "It's making me miserable. I want to numb everything. I don't want to go through this pain anymore. "

She sat up straight while wiping off her tears. She continues without making eye contact. "I know you probably hate me. You should hate me. I know this wasn't a life you dreamt for your sole child. I am sorry that I am a disappointment....... I am leaving. And I hope that you never be reminded of your incompetent, pathetic looser daughter. I have only hurt you and I am sorry. I am sorry that I was born this way. "

Noor Jehan couldn't see her child in pain. "Who said that you are a disappointment? And Why are you sorry for being who you are? Haseena..... " She held her daughter by the shoulder and made her sit on the couch. She put haseena's head on her chest and started caressing her hair. "How can I hate you my Bache? You are my child. I have given birth to you. You are a part of me. I can't believe that you think I am holding such resentment against you. I know that my reaction when you first came out wasn't that supportive. But bache believe me, I tried! I tried understanding you. I am sorry that in between me processing it, somehow you felt that I hate you. That I could possibly hold something against you for being gay. I should be the one apologising for not making you feel comfortable enough to trust me. "

She planted a kiss on haseena's head. "I love you my bache and I'm proud to have you as my daughter. I know you felt distant and perhaps that's the reason you felt that I am not supportive. But I was distant because I was afraid, I was afraid of saying something, or blabbering out something that might offend you and then lose you forever. I thought maybe I should keep my mouth shut. But I guess that was stupid. I should have told you that I don't care about who you love or how you decide to live your life. You are my daughter and nothing can change the love and care I have for you. Your happiness is all I dreamt of. I don't have any problem with your sexuality my bache. "