The Story of us

Chapter 34:- Hellfire

Dear Diary,

Another day has passed and another despaired night has come. I don't know what to write. I thought I would share the absurdity of the past few weeks but I can not bring myself to discuss it. I know you have always been there but this time I don't know if sharing this with you will be enough. It's been a month and yet it feels like it happened a moment ago. If only I wouldn't have fallen for the wrong girl. If only I could choose who to love.

Yesterday, she came to my office and placed a card on my desk. I thought that I had seen it all, there won't be anything worse but not until she told me that it was an invitation to her Engagement ceremony. I couldn't even fake a smile. At first, I thought perhaps if I can shred myself from these feelings, it will hurt less. But I couldn't do it. These feelings have spread like a deadly plague. And there's no cure. It's funny how things turn out. After Saira, I really thought the worse is behind me. That I am much stronger and no power can break me. Never have I been more wrong. And I curse myself for not being able to get out of it.

I was staring at the card when I don't know why she decided to hug me. The first time she embraced me was when she was having some nightmare, she was vulnerable and I did everything to help her relax. The second time, there was this strange feeling of current running through my body. Third Time, I let myself lose in her essence. The fourth time, she made me breathless. But this time.......

The touch that once would make me secure and content became hellfire. I wanted to push her away but I couldn't. I stood there like cold meat. It created this aching feeling. My heart got tired of beating, it howled to stop. At that moment my limbs rejected me. My lungs no longer wished to serve my body. They were tired of breathing. I never thought that her touch could also encircle me with this feeling.

It was the first time my body rejected her closeness. I miss her intimacy but the moment she enters my radius, my body rejects it. It isn't repulsion or hate or anything. But it's rather a defence mechanism that I often find myself using. Perhaps, my body knows that it can never be felt by her the way it wants. And this grief is making it ache. The grief of not being able to be touched, embraced or devoured by her. There is always a feeling of longing that emphasizes when she is around. And it is too scared of being swayed by her. Perhaps, that's the reason it chooses to shut off. Because once my body accepted her touch, I don't think that it will ever be able to bear the separation.

When was the last time I felt her embrace? When was the last time I let my heart sway? I am too scared of being close to her. I have distanced myself from her touch. Because her touch is a constant reminder of God's mockery. It's breaking me little by little. Maybe she went in for an impromptu hug because she still sees me as a friend, a close one perhaps. Of course, she feels like a close friend. Because for her, it's been nothing more than a friendship and I never did anything to suggest otherwise. Have I been hurting her by pulling away? What's her fault in all this?
I so want to be a good friend. I am trying to keep these feelings aside and be by her side. But I cannot! Trust me, I tried.

Is this what love feels like? Are we supposed to feel like this? Is our very basic idea of love is flawed? Or does it even exist? Because all I can feel is: Misery, Pain, and emptiness followed by a hollow heart and an emerging black hole that's consuming me alive. Such an oblivious thought of love I had. Karishma Singh was right after all. One should never fall into anything stupid like love. Nothing comes out of it. Now I have understood, it's the road of misery. And life is nothing like a romantic poem or a romanticized movie. It's nothing but a disappointment. It's a composition of a poet with no soul.

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Karishma's POV

Why did I ever get close to her? Everything was going well. Yes, I wasn't happy but I wasn't this miserable either. Why did I ever let myself believe that I could be happy for once? That I can be lucky enough to live a life full of love?

Why is she like that? She made her way into my life.  She always made me feel accepted. I don't know why I always felt like letting my guard down around her. I wish that I never let it happen. At least this day would have been easier. It feels like my funeral decided to visit me disguised as my engagement. Everyone around me is happy but I feel so dejected.

She will be here today. How will I face her? I know I am doing this for my family but there is this selfish part of me that wants me to yell to the world that I love her. It's her that I want to be with. 

How will I throw myself into this life knowing that she will never know how much I loved her? Well! It is what it is. I have to be strong and I sincerely hope that Haseena never felt anything more than a friend or expected anything else out of our friendship. Because I cannot leave knowing that I have hurt her. She deserves so much better. Someone that's not me. 

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Next part will be out in few hours....