How do you heal?

Flashback: 1999

June

Annie stepped out on the porch, a small stack of papers in her hands. Tony had shown up to her graduation dinner, she hadn't wanted a party, and she had been waiting for him to be alone all night.

"Tony." She said and he turned to look at her.

Tony sat in one of the chairs, smoking a cigar. He could see the nerves on Annie's face as she walked over and sat in the chair next to him.

"What's up, Red?"

He watched as she took a deep breath and settled herself before speaking. "I want to know if you would be willing to give me a loan?"

Tony looked at her perplexed. Annie had had at least one job since she was fifteen and from what Ferris had said she usually worked two or three in the summers. "I'm curious enough to hear you out. How much and what for?"

Annie bit her lip. "Three thousand dollars and before you say anything I already have a payment plan worked out." She handed him the small stack of papers. "If you look I have three jobs lined up this summer so even if I lose one I will still be able to pay you back in twelve weeks."

Tony looked over the paperwork. She'd listed pay dates and amounts for all three jobs. A payment schedule and had added interest to her final amount. Three thousand dollars was nothing to him but in midwest America to an eighteen year old it was a fortune. The paperwork did not say what the money was for though and she still hadn't answered him. In all the years he had known as far as he was aware she never asked anyone for anything. If she was asking him now it must be important. "Okay, I see the numbers, Red, but I don't see the reason. Are you in trouble?"

"No." She said before biting her lip and looking away.

He waited a beat but she didn't continue. "Does your dad know you are asking me for this money?" Annie just shook her head. "Okay, I don't exactly want to turn you down here, Annie, but I need to know what it's for. If it's something illegal and your dad finds out he'd have my head."

Annie sighed deeply again before looking back at him. "Tattoos."

Tony furrowed his brow. "What?"

"The money is for tattoos. Before I start school in the fall I want to get tattoos but they are big and detailed and will take several sessions to complete and the artist, a friend of Alex's brother, wants money up front since I'm not actually eighteen until November. So, kind of illegal and I used all my savings to pay for my room and board for the fall."

Tony was even more confused now. "First I thought your dad said you got a scholarship and second, does he know you are getting tattoos?"

"I did get a scholarship but Steel State doesn't cover room and board for students who aren't living in the dorms. Alex and I are sharing a campus apartment. And no, if he knew I was getting tattoos I would have to tell him why I want them and...I can't."

The farther this conversation went the more confused Tony became. "Wait, I thought your dad said you applied to MIT. Why are you going to Steel?"

Annie pursed her lips. "I only got a partial scholarship for MIT. So I turned them down to take the full one at Steel, minus the dorm part."

"Red, if you got into MIT but needed money why didn't you call me? I'd rather make a call to the finance office than give you a loan for tattoos."

"Because I have to do it myself, Tony." She stood and started pacing. "I don't like feeling like I owe people something. It reminds me too much...I just can't do it and if you even just made a phone call I would spend the rest of my life feeling like I didn't deserve MIT or I was in your debt and if I really wanted to go to MIT I could take out loans but Steel offered me the full ride so I didn't see the point."

"A phone call would not have indebted you to me, Red. I am not Cherry. You are allowed to accept help from the people who care about you without expecting them to want something in return. Besides, I already pay your mom off to stay away every month and you have never told me you have an issue with that so why is a phone call different."

"God this conversation is not going how I planned." Annie said, rubbing at her face.

"I'm shocked that you thought you could plan a conversation asking me for money for tattoos but not college without full disclosure. So speak now or forever hold your peace."

Annie stopped pacing and stood in front of Tony. "You pay my mom for my dad. Not me. Sure, I benefit from it but it's not for me. I know I have a hard time accepting help but continuously hearing 'all love is conditional' from a mother for twelve years whenever I didn't do something to her exacting standards messes with a person's perception. Especially when needing her for anything equated to her anger and disgust but to be honest I think even asking you for this is a really big step for me in the 'working on it' phase."

"And why the tattoos?"

She'd figured he would ask this. She had hoped he wouldn't but had prepared for it anyway. She bent over and pulled the skirt of her floor length dress up to mid thigh. It was getting dark but there was still enough light for him to see. "I want a fresh start in college. I want to be able to wear shorts and swimsuits and skirts and not worry about what people are thinking. It has been a year since the last time I did it but some of the scars are pretty thick. April knows, but I don't think she ever told my dad. At least I asked her not to."

"Red," he started but she cut him off.

"That's full disclosure, Tony. I don't need a lecture, just a yes or no." She said, dropping her skirt.

"I'll give you the money. You don't need to pay me back. Consider it a graduation gift."

"No, I don't want a hand out, Tony. We just covered this."

"Fine. Counter and final offer. I give you the money, you make payments to a charity of your choice and I write it off. That way I don't feel like an ass for taking interest from my friend's daughter while I'm doing something good and you don't feel like you owe me something."

Annie bit her lip but stuck her hand out. "Deal."