Just me & you (G!P)

C. 32 - M's

Thank you all, as always! 

March.

Everything is proceeding slowly, but in a positive direction and this is the best thing I could aspire to. I resumed working almost full-time, despite the silences with Andrea, which sometimes make the climate heavy: we have always worked side by side, following the projects together, and instead we had to reinvent a new way of collaborating, with Caterina acting as an intermediary and most often as a mediator. I have greatly reduced physiotherapy and I have also started driving again, even if I still do not trust my body completely, so I tend to move often on foot: I have rediscovered the beauty of taking a walk and slowness and, when possible, it is something I do not want to lose. Now I attend the pool, with physiotherapy sessions, once a week, and every two weeks I go to Alice's private studio for a double session of massage and therapy. I continue to follow psychotherapy, as everyone had advised me after the accident, but only once every two weeks. Once a month then I kept the controls with Amelia, because I often have headaches, something that never happened to me before the accident, every now and then I tingle my arm and it happens, rarely but it happens, that my eyes flicker and I see like fireflies. By now, however, I have learned to support all the positive things in this path and also in my life.

My life changed again after the accident: the relationship with my mother has intensified much more, we hear each other more often, as well as I become close again with my dearest friends, with the exception of course of Andrea. Indeed, our friends have to do the gymkhana to be able to attend both of us, but I believed that after the first months of absolute need everyone would return to their lives and instead they often come to visit me at home, we have dinners or simply spend time together.

I believe that the merit is also due to my newfound serenity. Before the accident I had minimized contacts, just to don't lose relationships altogether, because I always felt dissatisfied, there was nothing that really made me want to hang out with them. I felt different, but the truth is that I was just dissatisfied with myself. Now that I have Carina by my side again, I know for sure what I want in life, I know what serenity is, because I feel it again and everything seems to me again much more interesting and brighter.

Carina is the emblem that most of all represents how positive things are for me right now, but proceed slowly. Since we had that conversation about her fears, Carina is much more open towards me and tries with all of herself not to run away anymore and to let herself be embraced whenever she is afraid. It is still a continuous challenge, so I must always be careful not to let a few too many words slip out like something about feelings or commitments of a relationship, otherwise Carina panics. Even without words, however, in deeds, we are committing ourselves to each other more and more: now once a week, but often also twice, I sleep at her house, and above all I attend her house and especially her daughter with greater assiduity. There has not been a moment when Viviana and I are completely alone, but I can tell of entire Sunday afternoons spent in the games room of their house, only Viviana and I, while Carina stays in the next room, or her office, because she cannot take her eyes off work. In the rare times, in the previous four and a half years, in which I allowed myself to dream of a possible return with Carina, I had never painted a family picture already so ready and in a certain meaning "finished". Being catapulted into its reality, however, is something that I would not change for anything in the world. As I said, however, things proceed slowly: all our friends for example know that we are dating again, all our "individual" friends remember the friends of the other with immense pleasure, but Carina still does not feel like going out together with the others, so it is mostly always the three of us. It is also difficult to be just the two of us, indeed so far it has happened very rarely and only in the lunch breaks that we can carve out. I obviously do not complain about the presence of Viviana, but sometimes I wish I could have a different kind of relationship with Carina, more complete even at the level of the couple. In this the physical question influences so much: despite kisses more than passionate and various "rolls in bed" there has not yet been any sexual intercourse. I respect her, for heaven's sake, but there are days when I am truly at the limit of human endurance. The even more difficult thing for me to tolerate is that there is a complete lack of complicity in that aspect: since we are dating again, for example, I have not even seen her in a bra yet, so to speak. In the long run, therefore, despite the fact that in our kisses I feel all the passion and desire of the world, I am really beginning to wonder what the problem is and if it can be overcome.