Just me & you (G!P)

C. 03

I'm spending the evening with a glass of red wine in front of the PC, steaming with anger. Since I woke up this morning to go to work I have already experienced many times all the nuances of all the existing emotions: I got up full of enthusiasm and surprise, almost happy, only to find myself confused in front of the mobile phone screen and gradually become more and more sad and angry, very angry, furious. I even refused calls from Antonio and my best friends who wanted updates on the date, while I don't want to talk to anyone, except with the only person who doesn't seem to want to talk to me anymore. I am confused by her conflicting messages and I am confused by myself for the power of the feelings and emotions I felt in the day. My job has always been something I love, so it managed to distract me even on the darkest days, while today I could not help but think about that message I found this morning.

With Maya we had exchanged the number for convenience, to agree on last night's date more easily and after what had seemed to me a great first date I dreamed of being able to use that number for new flirts and possible new encounters. When I opened my eyes with difficulty to prepare me to start the shift I found a message from her, sent at 05.15 in the morning, but I still did not know that I would go from the widest smile to the confusion in a second. In the very long text Maya explained to me that she would block my number, because she had a great time with me, but she is a particular person, to use the words with which she described herself, because due to a genetic anomaly she turned into a monster and now she is a woman with half a man's body. She then added that a person like me could not waste time with someone like her and that she really regretted it because, for the little she could know me, she considers me a beautiful person inside before outside. I was surprised, yes, but the instinct was to look for her, to be able to talk to her. So I found out that she blocked me for real, me not being able to call her, and that she deleted herself from the app, so that I could not track her there either.

I ran to work and had this issue in mind all day. The confusion of not understanding the reason for her attitude has given way to the anger of not being able to track her down. After the initial surprise I began to reflect: given my medical studies it is certainly something I had already heard and known, but I have never met someone intersex live. I almost felt offended that Maya didn't consider me up to the task to talk about it together. I know that it is an important baggage, I know that I know her for less than twenty-four hours and it would be much easier to forget about her, but I also know that I do not want to do it. Last night I was really good, as it had perhaps never happened to me in life, certainly not after Rosaria, and I do not want to give up like this, feeling castrated and prevented by causes that do not belong to me. Then I know myself enough to know that this detail does not change my perception of Maya and will not affect in any way the knowledge I wanted to start with her.

So after thinking for a long time and after an exhausting shift of work I am in front of the PC to spend the evening looking for traces of Maya on the internet. I don't know her last name, but she has a fairly rare name around here and I'm trying to think about all the things we said to each other yesterday. I remember in particular that she told me about her work, about this construction company that she directs as an engineer together with a partner whose name I do not remember very well, but it should be Andrea. She told me that she lives quite close to the pub where we met yesterday, while the company is based outside Rome, but I don't remember where. If I try to remember, I know we were also talking about the fact that I spent my childhood out of town, but I'm not even sure she really told me the place where the company is based.

For a moment I reproach myself for having been so duped by her clear eyes and then immediately after I wonder even if they were not all lies that she told me. After two copious sips of wine, however, I reflect: she was quite honest to say that in all her past appointments she had only found sex, so I don't think she would have done two in the morning with me to tell me bullshit, if she had understood right away that I would not have sex with her. After yet another glass of wine filled I start searching the internet again and I feel determined enough to think that if the searches in the ether were a hole in the water, I will turn the neighborhood near the pub asking about her. I don't know what is that drives me so much to want to contact this woman. It's something I can't explain, but it takes me out of my guts. And it's not something I want to give up.