Unrequited love

Seventy || Lilah

'Can I come in now?' He asks as I adjust my top. I'm pretty much changed at this point.

'No. Go home.' I sigh. It's better if I don't drag him along when I can't be with him.

Opening the door I scrunch my eyebrows when he steps in. What if I had genuinely been naked.

'I feel like I should be the upset one.' He clarifies and I nod in agreement because he's right. I rejected him when he was venerable yet I still expected for him to pretend like nothing happened.

'That's the issue. You're not upset anymore and you're here,' I run my hands through my hair. 'Your telling yourself your okay with it when you're not. I'm too afraid to end up in another toxic relationship so I can't-,'

'That's why I'm not upset.' He leans against back against the door. 'When I was self isolating I got a lot of time to think about your response to my confession and I realized you never said you didn't like me as a person. All your reasonings had to do with being afraid of a scenario you can't be sure will even happen,'

'What?' I relax my eyebrows.

'All you've been saying is 'I can't because I'm afraid you won't like me anymore' or 'I can't because we might end up like how I was with Colton' the issue was never that you don't like me.' He narrows his eyes. 'I couldn't let myself accept the fact that I need to move on because my brain kept latching to what you kept saying.'

'Well- I mean I didn't...' I don't know how to explain myself now that he's put that theory on me.

'I'll go. I'll let you watch your movie but I want to clarify- I want you to clarify with me that, yes you fear that I'll be like Colton, but that's not the whole reason. I need to be sure that you're just not attracted to me in that way.' His tone is stern so I know there's no point avoiding him. He won't let it go until I give him an answer.

Wanting to give him a straight response I don't because he moves closer to me. Once again I look away but he just follows my eyes so we look at eachother. He's desperate.

'I need to know so I can let go Lilah.' He begs. 'Just he honest so I can stop lying to myself.'

Looking him in the eye I can't say anything.

'I'm not sure.' I say before quickly backing out when it hits me what I told him. 'I mean I'm not sure...why I wasn't saying anything.'

'That's fine, so tell me now.' I can tell he's trying to be patient. He needs to hear it from me so I take a shaken breath because I may have been right the first time. I'm genuinely not sure.

'So- specifically you want me to tell you that...'

'If Colton never existed you still would've rejected me. I need to hear it.' I wish he hadn't asked because now I'm definitely unsure and it's worrying me. I never really thought of my rejection in that light.

'Oh...okay.' I stand there for a few more moments as I think about it. It's not hard. It's just ten words that I need to say.

If Colton never existed I still would've rejected you.

That's all I have to say but why am I finding it so difficult. Finding an excuse for myself I consider the fact that younger me would've been attracted to him. The again what's the difference, it's not like past me and present me are different people. I stem from the smaller version of myself.

Squeezing my hands shut I pretend as if I didn't think that as I stare at my bed in hopes time will pass faster. I know that I wouldn't have but that's not what he wants to hear, is it.

'If Colton...' I begin the sentence but I trail off when he moves my head so I look at him. He's not going to count it unless I look him in the eye.

Not looking away I know he's wants me to look at him and admit it to his face but god is it hard. No it's not hard because it shouldn't be. Capri told me that it's best to cherish those who are close to you and to not put yourself in situations where you can lose those people since it's not worth it if you're not comfortable with it. This is a situation that I'm in but at the same time it's not. He's not asking for anything more than a straight forward rejection.

The one I gave him was laced in excuses. I hadn't even noticed. What I also hadn't noticed then is why I didn't just tell him I don't like him in that way.

Past tense, I hadn't noticed, since I do now. It's been a good two minutes and it doesn't seem like a lot but when you spend it in silent it feels like decades. Waiting patiently for me to tell him what he wants to hear, every second I don't give it to him the more and more it becomes obvious.

I can't say it. I can't say it because I would be lying. He knows I can't but he still waits, he still waits for me to say it anyways because he needs to hear it.

'I cant.' Im honest and if anything he seems the most disappointed by my answer.

'What do you mean.' He already knows.

'I can't tell you what you want to hear. You want me to say that I would still have rejected you if it weren't for Colton but I cant.' I look down before playing with my nuckles.

'You like me?' This one is harder to answer.

I haven't admitted that I liked anyone in a while now so I purse my lips. Taking a deep breath I'm almost shocked but my ability to breath calmly. A situation like this would've usually fucked me over and I would've suffocated right now but I'm oddly fine. If anything I'm really fucking relaxed which thinking about it now I haven't reacted badly before when I'm around him.

'I think I do like you.' I throw the word 'think' so that I'm capable to saying it aloud.

Silence. Looking up to see if he's still alive he seems calm besides the tension in his brows. He doesn't seem surprised or upset.

'Let's do it again.' He rolls his shoulders before taking a shaky breath. 'Lilah. How do you feel about me.'

'I just said-,'

'No- I mean.' His body language is so stressed. 

Realizing what he means I'm now confused. 'You want me to say that I don't see you in that way.'

'Yes- whatever it's pointless now.' He turns away.

Heading towards my bed he sits down before leaning over. Placing his elbows on his legs he palms his face so I go over to sit next to him. I feel so guilty for stressing him out. I shouldn't have told the truth, I knew I couldn't act on my feelings and I told him what he didn't want to hear. I'm only making it worse for him for no reason.

'I'm not Colton.' He looks over to me suddenly. 'I would be honest with you.'

'I know Alex but I can't.' I pick at my nails.

I'm doing this so no one gets hurt. I know that it's the right thing to do so why does it feel so wrong.