D A M A G E D • HS

53

The thoughts are back, louder than ever. Everything I worked so hard to move past has come full circle.

My entire life has come full circle.

I went from starting off the school year taking drugs, and being angry. Now, almost two months later I'm back right where I started, except I'm not angry, I'm dead.

I can't feel, only think. It's funny that now all I want to feel is that burning anger again because feeling something is better than feeling nothing, and letting my thoughts control my entire soul.

I chew on my bottom lip staring at the white powder, debating if I should take it, or stay strong. Do I fight the urge, or succumb to the desire?

What would Harry think if he knew I was even thinking about this? I could tell he was proud of me for not taking any drugs besides weed.

I've tried smoking blunt after blunt, joint after joint to use as a distraction, but it doesn't work. I know deep down the only thing that will ever get me to reach the level of complete and total numbness that I need to feel is the white powder.

I don't want to, but I have to. I can't take it anymore. No matter how hard I try to resist and just suffer through my thoughts, I always lose because I'm weak.

You're weak Arlonza

I pick up the rolled twenty dollar bill, and hold it between my fingers like muscle memory. I hesitate on whether or not I should lean down, and take the line.

If I do, then the sobriety I've gained will vanish, and I'll be back to square zero. I haven't been actively working on my sobriety, it just happened from being around Harry.

I didn't need the drugs to hide the void inside of me, when Harry simply filled it with life, but now that he isn't around anymore, the void has opened back up, and right now I need to fill it, even if it's temporary.

I'm sorry Harry

I lean down, and tilt the bill up slightly. I begin to inhale, and slide the bill through the powder, picking up every last spec. My nose instantly burns, and the rush I used to feel everyday hits me like a train moving at full speed.

I don't hesitate to take another, and then another until the three lines I laid out are gone.

I drop the bill, and fall back on my bed. My head rushes and swirls. I can feel the blood pumping through my veins. I can hear my pulse beat so loud in my head that a gun could fire off, and I wouldn't hear it.

My body tingles. It doesn't feel like the tingles I get when I simply look at Harry, but it's close enough to give me some peace of mind.

The burning in my nose is stronger than ever to the point that tears cloud my vision. I close my eyes and see white spots against black.

The voices begin to fade, the guilt starts to subside, and the image of the dead man that I killed blurs.

My eyes become weighted. All the sleepless nights catch up to me, capturing me in its hypnotic spell, pulling me under.

My eyes start to droop, and I find it harder to keep them open. I don't fight the urge, instead I tuck myself under the covers, and embrace the sleep I've so desperately been needing.

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Ding dong

Ding dong

Ding dong

"Shut up." I whine from the doorbell ringing, which stripped my sleep away from me.