Sex, Love and Hate (bxb)

Chapter 7

ALEXIE'S POV

My heart is beating too fast and I can't slow it down. With every beat it feels as though my chest is being attacked and my rib cage is being bruised. I can feel the air getting stuck in my throat, causing me to gasp and pant. My hands are shaking at a concerning pace and everything around me is spinning slightly.

When I woke up five minutes ago I found myself in Grayson's arms. A rush of memories of last night hit me like a train and suddenly a sense of embarrassment, shame, and panic overcame me. I managed to stumble my way to the bathroom but collapsed on the floor before I could splash myself with cold water to try and calm my nerves.

Now I'm sitting here, a weeping mess, totally helpless. I want to stop this feeling but I know I deserve it. Last night was the second time I did something like that with Grayson. Not to mention what happened when we were teenagers. It's wrong, I know it is, but I keep doing it. I keep making the same mistake even though I know it's wrong and this seems like a much needed punishment. I convinced myself that the time at the casino was just because I was caught off guard. I tried to convince myself that last night was all because I was drunk. But I'm just fooling myself. I'm sick, and I need help. Help I'm going to get. Grayson needs help too but he doesn't understand this like I do. He would never get the help he needs for redemption. I don't blame him though for not understanding that this attraction to the same gender is a sickness. I was lucky enough to have a family that understood and was patient enough to show me the error in my ways. I remember Grayson's parents, they were too ok with this.

"Alexie?!" a panicked voice echoes from the bathroom door.

Grayson rushes in with panic lacing his face. He kneels down in front of me and rests his hand on my cheek. I flinch and push his hand away, simultaneously creating space between us by crawling backward. Grayson looks hurt for a second.

"What's wrong?" he asks without moving any closer.

"G-get out!" I yell breathlessly.

Grayson being here only makes it harder to breath and I can feel a thin layer of sweat starting to coat my body. My chest heaves aggressively, trying to let some air into my lungs.

"Alexie you're having a panic attack but you're going to be ok, I promise," Grayson tells me.

His ensuring words somehow make my heart beat slow down slightly and I can suck in a little more air than before. Just hearing him say that I'm going to be ok makes me want to believe it without questioning. I'm sicker than I thought I was. How can I trust Grayson? A man who loves men without disgrace and has been dragging me down with him. He has taken whatever he wants from me since the day I first saw him again, including moving here and taking me against my own will. I need to get a hold of myself.

"If you tell me what this is about than I can help you," Grayson explains.

He takes my hand in his and squeezes it encouragingly. I rip mine away before I get too comfortable and fall into his trap.

"Don't touch me! Stop touching me! You need to stop, stop all of it!" I yell while holding my hand to my chest as if his touch has poisoned it.

Grayson sighs. "I think I know what this is about. Just stay here ok?"

Grayson gets up and leaves the bathroom. I let out a breath of relief but it doesn't last long. I can tell Grayson never left the bedroom as I can hear him rummaging through something. He reappears once again and I glare at him suspiciously. In his hand is a crumpled piece of lined paper. He kneels down before me again and then holds out the piece of paper to me. I don't take it. I stay where I am, as far away from him as I can manage.