tw: eating disorder
name: ellie
"dear lord please let it be 2:15" i groaned tilting my head back before checking my phone for the fifth time "god damn"
i was currently with billie, as always, she was doing soundcheck and i was sitting in the audience seats waiting. i was beyond hungry because i haven't eaten since yesterday, neither has billie though and she seems fine. i don't know maybe i'm just dramatic.
"let me gooooo" i sang with billie as she sang nda
"-get some food!" i yelled so she could hear me which caused her to laugh
"i'm almost done baby" she spoke into the mic "then we can go get you some food" she smiled
the music stopped playing and she waited playfully dancing as she waited for the next song. i walked up closer to her and she came to the edge of the stage and sat down with her legs dangling off the sides.
"if you're really starving you can go and come back i'll be fine" billie spoke as i rested my hand on her thighs
"alright but what do you want?" i asked looking up meeting her eyes
she hesitated a little before speaking "uh i'm actually not hungry right now" she says fiddling with my fingers
"really? we haven't eaten since yesterday afternoon" i say lowering my voice a little
"i had a granola bar so i'm fine i promise" she reassured with a smile "go get some food my soundcheck should be over by the time you get back"
i stared unsure for a bit before letting out a defeated sigh "alright fine" i leaned up to give her a quick kiss "i'll be back in a bit"
"okay i love youuu" billie sung out cutely
"i love you toooo" i did right back
i headed to the green room to grab my bag and phone, i headed out and made my way towards the nearest vegan restaurant.
"yeah i picked up some stuff from a cute little vegan restaurant. it's been hectic and billie and i haven't eaten since yesterday so i bought us some food. she said she ate a granola bar but i bet she'll be hungry later" i tell claudia who i'm on facetime with
"a granola bar? knowing billie she would be complaining about dying by now" claudia joked
"yeah i don't know how she isn't going insane or where she could have gotten a granola bar from all the snacks that the green room has aren't gluten free" i spoke unsurely
"has she said she's hungry or anything like that?" claudia asks
"no and when i asked her what she wanted to eat she said she wasn't hungry" i say my tone shifting to concern
"i don't want to assume but do you think maybe she is.. starving herself?" claudia's voice flooded with concern as well
"i'm not sure, i'll talk to her about it.. but i'm here so i'll talk to you later" i said
"alright bye ellie" she said blowing a kiss
i blew one back with a smile and hung up. what claudia said frightened me, i really hope that's not the case. i needed to talk to billie, but i was scared she'd be upset if i brought something like that up, since she's struggled with that in the past.
i walked through the back door and made my way into the venue and didn't hear billie's singing. so i guess soundcheck was over, i then headed towards the green room and saw billie and finneas in there.
"hey guys" i said with a smile
"hey ellie" finneas called out
"hey baby" billie smiled back
i went over and sat on the sofa with billie and sat the bag of food on the table
"i got you food because i know a granola bar is not going to do anything" i said looking at billie who didn't meet my eye
"where did you get a granola bar from?" finneas asked with a light chuckle
"here" billie said pointing to the snack table in the green room
"no you didn't" finneas spoke "you know those aren't gluten free and you never eat the snacks they give us" he said truthfully
billie froze and stayed quiet before looking down and fiddling with her rings. i watched as she did before placing my hand on hers comfortingly.
"billie" i said softly
she looked up at me, almost knowingly, i let out a sight before speaking "are you starving yourself?" i ask
tears welled up in billies eyes and she looked away, she looked at her brother who had a sympathetic look on his face. she then let out a sob as she nodded slowly.
"i'm sorry" she breathed out before another sob came out
"baby it's nothing to be sorry about" i said bringing her into my embrace "but why?" i asked
"because everytime i eat i feel disgusting" she cried "like everytime i always worry about how i'm just going to be fat again"
"billie you are not fat and never were fat" finneas says rubbing her arm soothingly
"that's not what the internet says" billie huffed "they're always like 'yes body positivity' one minute then next i get caught in a photo and immediately 'fat' is what i see" she sobbed
"look at me billie" i say turning her to me and cupping her face with my hands "anyone who says that to you is not important, don't pay them any attention" i speak softly rubbing my thumb over her cheek and wipe away her tears
"i love you, your family loves you, your fans love you so so much. don't let the the people who don't tear you down. okay?" i ask
she slowly nods her head with her eyes closed as she tries to catch her breath "okay" she sighs
"alright now do you want to try and eat?" i ask not wanting to rush her
she hesitates a little bit eventually says "yeah"
"alright i got gluten free rigatoni" i say handing her the bowl of food
i then took bites with her and she slowly but surely got more comfortable to eat without my help. i smiled seeing her do it herself, when i found out she was relapsing on her eating disorder a part of my heart broke.
now i'm just glad that we can take it one step at a time and one bit at a time to help her get better. i love billie too much to lose her.
