Evolution of a lover's heart | jjk

38

It surprises you, how Jeongguk's hurried steps already carry him towards his car. And although you'll never keep him from leaving, you can't just watch him go. Not like that.

"Hey, I'm gonna have to call you back, sorry," you interrupt the voice in your ear, confused feet already moving forward.

She doesn't seem to really understand, or she just didn't hear you, so you excuse yourself, "Yeah, yeah, listen, I'll call you tomorrow," and you do something you've never done before. You hang up while someone's still talking.

"Gguk, wait!" You call, but he doesn't stop. He's almost reached the black vehicle, and you don't run after him, knowing that if he wants to leave, you won't be able to stop him anyway. In that case, you'll just have to knock on the door to his apartment in the coming days.

Surprisingly enough, Jeongguk doesn't drive away as soon as he's seated; instead, you think you can see how he presses his forehead against the steering wheel.

Something in your chest grows heavier; you're not sure if it's your breaths or maybe mostly your heart.

It could be over. You could go back inside, and it could be the end of it. Sure, even if you try to avoid each other, you'll surely run into him on the street that separates your buildings now and again. But that would be it.

No. You can't let him leave like that. Just... not like that.

For the second time that evening, you steer your steps towards his car. This time, although still very much heartbroken, you're not as terrified.

As you near, you get your confirmation; Jeongguk sits behind the wheel, hunched over with his head pressed against it.

If things were different, you would ask him to move into the backseat, and you would follow, crawl onto his lap and hug his head to your chest. You're not as good at comforting if you can't touch, but although he's never explicitly said he doesn't want to be touched—he did also actually apologize for what he did say—you can't risk it.

So, you open the passenger door, the one you exited not very long ago, and you slide into the black leather seat. But you don't get comfortable, not meaning to stay long, nor do you close the door behind you.

Without looking at you, Jeongguk straightens up to the point where he can wipe his tears away with the back of his hand and the sleeve of his navy sweatshirt.

Then, he's silent, save for the lingering sniffles he tries his best to stop.

"You read the letter," you comment, observing the torn-up envelope haphazardly thrown onto the dashboard.

"Sorry," he mumbles, keeping his head down as if he's fully prepared for a scolding.

Sure, you told him he wasn't supposed to read it until a year had passed, but it was stupid of you, and if you really didn't want him to read it, you should've just scheduled an email or something.

He doesn't look at you, but it doesn't stop you from observing his profile; his red nose and eye, and the wetness clinging to his lashes and cheek. It's so painful, so incredibly painful to see him so sad, and your fingers itch to try to put the pieces back together. But it's not your privilege to do.

"You're not being fair."

Your hands lie motionless in your lap, your body angled toward him. "I don't know all your reasons; if you're speaking the truth or just don't want me to hurt, and that's alright. They're your reasons, after all. You don't have to tell me. But you don't get to come here and say that I wouldn't have been happy with you."

Jeongguk doesn't say anything, nor does he meet your eyes, but you don't need him to. All you need is for him to listen.

"I don't fight for people. Being with someone is a choice, and I'm not gonna try to persuade anyone into anything. So, if this doesn't make you happy and you don't want it, then I promise you, it's okay. We'll go our separate ways after tonight. But you don't get to say that. You know that I love you; you read the letter."