The girl behind her smile

- 17 -

Dead, lifeless eyes.

Ugly.

In sudden anger I shove the books of my dresser, I grab every bottle, box, thing I could find, and hurl it across my room.

The words in my head become mangled sentences and I grasp the end of the dresser to balance myself.

Why is nothing working? Why can't I think straight?

It becomes difficult to breath at all. Nothing is appeasing the pain within me. I sink into a crouched position, my hands forming claws and grabbing my hair. I do the one thing I've tried to stop for the past four months, I mourn, I grieve, I cry. And for once I let myself go without worrying about other peoples opinions.

The door bursts open and Elijah rushes in.

"Izzy? What's wrong?" He crouches by me, taking my shoulders into his arms.

My heart beats faster, and the world around me turns into a blur. My short breath was becoming louder and louder.

I could hear distantly Ezra run up stairs, looming by my door.

"What's going on?" He asks, his face holding traces of worry - I could tell he was starting sober up.

I forget all the hurtful words he said to me, every mean comment that sliced through my heart, because right now, I needed this. Just one moment where I don't have to pretend. One moment where I don't have to fake and tell myself that I am ok. One moment where I can lean on someone. And I don't care if it is embarrassing or weak of me.

So I ignore him.

"He's gone Eli," I sob, "He's not coming back."

"Izzy..." He trails off, unsure what to say.

My breath is still laboured, and it hurts so, so much.

"I- I can't breathe, he- he should be back," My tears stain his shirt, "Eli, why isn't he back?"

"Izzy, just follow my voice ok? Take a deep breath in and hold it." He pushes himself away to look into my eyes.

"How is that going to help! I- I can't! I want my dad, Elijah, not you. I want dad!" I bring my head to his shoulders, "Please I really need him." My voice breaks off towards the end, my cries become raspy.

"I know baby, I know it hurts, I know it hurts a lot, but I need you to listen to me," he pushes my head away from him, and lowers his own to ensue eye contact, "Take a deep breath in and hold it."

I follow his orders, I needed something to take my mind away from these dreaded thoughts.

"Now breathe out..." A breath of air leaves me, but still nothing changes.

"It still hurts, it's not working." I whisper.

"Let's do it a few more times, together ok, I promise you it will help." His voice matching my own whisper.

After a few more repetitions, I could feel a calming effect take place, and suddenly all the energy was taken away from me. Once again my head falls back on to Elijah's shoulder, but this time he secures me by bringing his arms around me.

Although I would like to believe all the tension had been expelled with every breath, the tightness in my heart still remained. I don't think it will ever leave.

I could see Ezra in my peripheral vision, hovering by my bed, unsure what he should do.

"I think you just had a panic attack.." Ezra trails off quietly. I can tell he's struggling to exchange words with me given our previous conversation. Actually, seeing as he did most of the condemning, it wasn't really a conversation. And right now I wasn't really in the mood to talk to him, forget delving into a discussion about my panic attack.