ateez family au

169

"Papa is being different," Jongho spoke as he came together with his brothers. There was a general understanding of what he had said; they were agreeing. "Did something happen?"

"Papa is stressed with new work probably," Yunho offered and out his phone to the side, "I saw him go through a lot of papers the other day. He had his 'don't talk to me right now' glasses on."

Yeosang lifted his eyes from the spot they had been zoned out on, looked at his siblings' faces and then to the side, as if dismissing what they were saying. His twin crossed his gaze and gave him a questioning look but was quickly dismissed. San tried a second time by lifting his brows ar him, but that too, wasn't responded to.

Yunho had been right, their father had been working through papers with his 'do not disturb' glasses for a while. He had involuntarily observed him. One day they had gotten mail; a letter from Jinju, handwritten. He knew that because the case had been one of the cheap brown ones. That day their father had gone to bed very early.

"Have you noticed that... He looks a little sad?" Mingi said quietly from their corner of the room.

The next time Yeosang had noticed unusual behavior, was maybe a couple weeks after the first letter. That time, multiple letters laid on their kitchen counter, an empty cup or coffee and his father's glasses next to them. He had taken a curious look at them; Jinju hospital, more, he didn't read.

"Do you think they fought about something?" Wooyoung carefully asked into the round, looking at every sibling swiftly. It was rare that their parents fought, but life was hard and marriage not easy. From time to time it came to misunderstandings and problems that were fought and talked about way after their children's bedtime. Wooyoung had the characteristic that he would sneak around the house for midnight snacks now and then.

"That could be, Dad is behaving like... like he does when he tries to make things better," San said and stole side glances at his twin. Yeosang didn't notice or - more likely - ignored him easily.

"I don't like it when they fight..." Jongho pouted and crossed his short arms.

~

It was rare that the feeling of sadness drove him to the basement shelves, late at night when it was only him wandering the quiet home. Yet, as loneliness rooted itself in Seonghwa's chest like stubborn weeds in the corners of their otherwise neat-kept garden, his way seemed to fall in that direction more often.

Somewhere in his head, from the part of his whish-thinking, he could hear his grandmother fighting his grandfather over alcohol, over him drinking too much and too frequently. That she would divorce him if he didn't stop, that he was being a bad role model.

So many voices told him no; arriving back in the kitchen, reaching for the glasses on the upper board, searching for a corkscrew in the drawers.

"Yonghwan would let me," he laughed drily at himself as he turned to leave the kitchen with a glass in his hand and the opened bottle of wine.

There was truth to his assumption; the elder would treat that kind of in sadness draped anger and despair with alcohol. It had been his method to respond to Hongjoong's frustrations once in a while. It made his husband talk freely and openly about everything that upset him.

Seonghwa, personally didn't approve of it, not at all, yet came to peace with it as it was just something between the two of them and he trusted his husband to be responsible enough.

And he was such a hypocrite to fill one after another until a warmth replaced the ice-cold yearning in his chest and dizziness made his thoughts calm down.

Just once.

or twice.

Maybe one more time.

Yet every morning he would wake up to the world not been changed over night, to a moment in his life were he was forced to face what he had feared most and be helpless for everybody else.

At least those hours before sleep, when his children were resting and his husband was away, at least in those mere hours he could forget that one day, just like his grandfather before him, and his mother now, he too would have holes in his brain, slowly expanding and extinguishing his very soul while his body remained for everyone to mourn over.

~

Small feet tiptoed over the carpet, down the stairs to where the clirring sound of dishes came from.

In the dead of night, Yeosang shily stuck his head into the kitchen to his Papa trying to put away some used glasses.

The parent flinched and put his hand to his heart. "Oh Yeosang- why aren't you sleeping?" he asked, a tone of drowsiness swinging in his voice. A sleepy, maybe even lightheaded giggle rolled over his lips as he hushed his son out of the kitchen, forgetting to turn off the light. "Go back to sleep, school tomorrow."

It was not anger, rather disappointment and sadness, when he stemmed his heels in the ground and refused Seonghwa for the first time he could remember. "No." He was determined, he wouldn't budge without saying what had been eating his insides since he knew.

"No?" Seonghwa repeated as if he hadn't heard right. His gaze seemed to sober up by then, blinking at his son questioning.

"I know that something bad happened," the boy admitted and furrowed his brows, crossed his arms as if protecting himself and his stance. "And I'm... I'm... sad that you pretent we don't exist or ... are too young to understand."

"I don't know what you're talking about, baby," Seonghwa replied with an iron voice, he did not seem to be sleepy anymore. "Maybe you just had a very realistic dream. Everything is fine. Go back to sleep please."

"I know you're drinking at night when Dad is not here!"

"Yeosang-"

"But it's true! I will tell Dad when he's home and I will tell him that something is going on with your family."

Was it him, was it the alcohol in his system, Seonghwa would never come to know; he grabbed his son's wrist, lowering the shameful accusing finger and glared at him.

"I don't want a miserable Papa," sounded like a tear-drenched whisper in darkness as Yeosang turned to flee back to his room.

-

haha

haha

hahahahahah

:)

why am I doing this to myself?

why, this was supposed to be cute family stuff because my own didn't give me the affection they should have.

why make it angsty and so close to home?

ahh yes, here i am.

school is going to fuck me up this year, so hopefully you'll see anything by me this school year.

and in the middle of all this stress, ive had another brilliant idea:

a new fanfic

it's already posted and up for y'all to read on my page and AO3.

i won't say much but it's yk, the Ateez x star wars au we all deserve :)

go check out dyad - the rule of two😗😗

and stay healthy and safe!!

-gul