Butterfly [A Harry Styles Fanfiction] *COMPLETED WITH SEQUEl* {Book 1}

Chapter 38: Depression

Cami's POV:

Days had passed in the same agonizingly slow fashion. I'd wake up, deny most of the food I was encouraged to eat, lie in bed all day and stare up at the ceiling. I'd come to notice every imperfection of the chipping paint and each spot of discoloration around the room. My bedroom floor was completely taken over with every pair of sweatpants I owned, until I ran out and gave up on wearing any at all. I hadn't left my room to do laundry- much less shower. I was beginning to notice a recurring smell in the room that just wouldn't go away. Eventually I realized it was me and when I did, I shrugged and took a nap. I always seemed to be tired lately and sleep was the one thing in my day that I looked forward to. Sleep was the one place I was safe from my own head, it was the only moment in my day that I didn't feel a self-loathing brick weighing down on my shoulders. The only issue with sleep was that it didn't last forever. As soon as I woke up the next morning, the repetitive process started all over again. Charli tried to get me to clean myself up, but I just wasn't having it. On one of the first days I made the mistake of looking into a mirror, my reflection was so repulsive I covered it and hadn't looked since, that was six days ago. I could only imagine what I looked like on the outside just knowing how I felt on the inside. The idea that I had felt any other way only two weeks ago was laughable. How in the hell could I go from one extreme to another? I vaguely remember the feeling- even though it was not so long ago. I'd felt giddy and tingly inside and remember taking note on how much I had been smiling then. Now, the days seemed to drag on, making it feel like years since I'd last been anything other than this - a frail shell of something that use to make up a person. It felt like nothing would ever change and no one could make it.

I tried not to think about Harry, or how much he had been calling. Both Charli and Caleb remained oblivious to the fact that I could hear them on the phone with him, but I enjoyed that bit. It was nice to hear them speak without walking on eggshells. I just wasn't prepared to hear his voice. On really quiet days I could just make out the raspy tone through the receiver in the room over, but the worst was the day he showed up and I heard it clear as day from just a few feet away.

As much as I tried to block it out, it was hard when he was demanding to see me at my doorstep and his voice was way passed a yell.

It took a while for Caleb to finally get him out and he hadn't showed up since, his calls never ceased though and part of me felt guilty for leaving him hanging for over two weeks. I just didn't know how to deal with us when I couldn't even handle dealing with myself. I wasn't angry with him anymore, I was just unsure if I was even worth his trouble.

Thinking about him caused that same fire to burn in my chest. I'd managed to get it to subside, but the memories of his pained voice yelling, begging for me to see him wouldn't stop ringing in my ears. It was almost as if he was screaming directly into my ear and the piercing sound caused me to wince and cover my ears with my hands. I swore he was in the room, but as I looked around for the source of the uncomfortable volume, my room was left empty.

It was only when I put my headphones on and turned the music up as loud as it could go, did I realize his voice was in my head and I would need much more than loud music to silence it.

I tried to sleep but I had only just woken up and although my body was more susceptible to mid-day naps as of late, the noise prevented even that.

Harry's voice was pleading with me to let him in and if my heart wasn't already broken, it would have shattered hearing the panicked tone of his voice. The only other option I could think of to rid my head of his haunting voice was one I knew I would have to fight for.

I hadn't heard Charli or Caleb for a while and hoped they had gone out for a little while. I hesitantly crept my door open and peeked out each side. When I confirmed the coast was clear, I tip-toed out of my room and made my way down the hallway for the first time in days. The sun shining through the living room window was harshly bright and burned my eyes for the first few seconds of contact. I once again looked both ways around me to find nothing but an empty kitchen and living room. Even though it had only been a few days, the apartment seemed vastly different from the last time I saw it. It didn't emit the same home feeling it always seemed to before and that felt foreign. Ignoring the weird feeling that something was missing, I walked into the kitchen- now confident I was alone for at least the time being.