Letting go of self-restraint 5 - Great happiness in a small package

Chapter 46

Lan Xichen watched with tears in his eyes and with a heavy heart how Wei Wuxian fell onto his knees. Lan Wangji was helping to keep him in a more or less upright position, but still, he looked like he would keel over any second. He was in so much pain it was hard to watch. And even harder to know that this suffering had been caused by Lan Xichen's and Nie Huisang's negligence.

"I should have never let myself be tempted by A-Sang, no matter how much I wanted us to. He is still young and impulsive, perhaps also already affected by his upcoming heat, but I should have known better! We should have cared for A-Yuan properly and stayed with him the whole time. I still do not know what exactly happened, but I am sure that if we were in the room together with him, he would have still been here with us and not lost who knew where.

I hope he is alright, he is such a small child... What if he really got kidnapped? Or could A-Sang be right? Had he simply somehow escaped the room by himself and is wandering in the streets of Yiling as we speak? We need to find him immediately! We have sent out a search party and nearly all the villagers are on their feet as well. If he was simply lost like that, he would have already been found... What should we do...?"

Lan Xichen could not help his terribly guilty conscience. He knew for a fact that it was his fault, all of this. He was supposed to be the responsible adult here. "And here I am, standing before the grieving and panicking parents without their child! I am a sect leader and yet, I could not take care of even a single baby, how can I run a whole sect! Perhaps I should tell Uncle that I was never meant for the responsibility and go into seclusion. After enough years of repentance, will Wuxian and Wangji forgive for ruining their trust in the most horrible way? No, of course not, they will probably blame me until the last of our days."

Lan Xichen did not even realize that he was swaying on his feet until there was a steadying hand around his waist and a low whisper: "A-Chen, it will be fine, we will find him."

However, the Gusu Lan sect leader knew that nothing would be even remotely alright. Even if they found A-Yuan this instant, he had already failed in protecting him, he had already committed a terrible crime and broken the trust of his brother and his brother-in-law. He froze on the spot, not able to accept Nie Huisang's support. He did not deserve it, it was Wei Wuxian who needed it more.

"It will be alright," the Qinghe Nie sect heir repeated, "it has to be."

It was only at this point that Lan Xichen realized Nie Huisang was definitely not as collected as he pretended to be. He must have been having similar thoughts to his own. His hand was trembling where it was wrapped around the Gusu Lan sect leader's waist and he was leaning closer to him, asking for support as much as he was willing to offer it. This made Lan Xichen feel even more guilty, he should not be asking to be cared for like a small child, he was the adult here.

This threw him out of his self-blaming thoughts. He could have those in the privacy of his rooms later, he could even assign himself a proper punishment once this crisis would be resolved, now was not the time to break down. He needed to somehow take care of the situation and help everyone onto their feet.

Jin Zixuan and Jiang Cheng did not have much information about what was going on here so it was not up to them to console Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji. Moreover, as much as the Gusu Lan sect leader did not want to judge them, their explosive – mostly in the case of the Yunmeng Jiang sect leader – and slightly antagonistic and reserved – in Jin Zixuan's case – attitude was not an ideal one to calm this crisis. Nie Huisang also seemed mostly out of commission for the moment, so the job was left to Lan Xichen.

Even with his several years of experience as the Gusu Lan sect leader, he still felt out of his depths in this situation. He could not even imagine how horrible it must be to lose a child, especially like this, when the parents had no idea what had happened to their son. The others however were just standing around, doing nothing. That would simply not do!

Lan Xichen straightened his spine, putting on his sect leader image and finding at last his authoritative and confident tone. If his voice was trembling somewhat, he hoped that no one would notice, it was only due to the emotions which were running hight right now.

"Jiang Cheng, Jin Zixuan," he tried to snap the two boys out of their surprised stupor.

He deliberately used their names as he would have once when they had been studying in the Cloud Recesses. Luckily, it worked and they turned their heads towards him. "We have already put together a search party, but can we still ask for your support? We are not too familiar with the area and the more eyes and hands there are, the faster we will be able to find A-Yuan."

Lan Xichen did not mention any of his insecurities as to where and in which kind of state the child could be. He wanted so much to hope for the best that he was pushing everything negative aside. They would cross that bridge when they would come to it.

The Yunmeng Jiang sect leader and the Lanling Jin sect heir finally seemed to snap from their shock and quickly nodded their heads. They did not go against the idea and he was glad for that. He was not sure that he would be able to not let his painstakingly maintained strong and calm façade fall. Even with minimal information, they did not ask any questions.

Jin Zixuan nodded curtly in his direction and turned around in a swirl of golden robes. He went back inside the inn, probably to go find his fellow sect members and ask them to help with the search.

Jiang Cheng did not rush off immediately. He first came closer to his husband who was still trying to calm down the grieving Wei Wuxian. He tapped his shoulder gently and whispered something into his ear. Due to the commotion all around and the voices of the town's people calling A-Yuan's name, Lan Xichen could not hear. It did not matter however, because the next second, Jiang Cheng was already storming away with long strides, also calling for the toddler.

Next, Lan Xichen turned to Nie Huisang and their gazes crossed. The Gusu Lan sect leader's emotions, worries and guilt were mirrored in the other's eyes. Luckily, Nie Huisang still seemed to be of a more or less functioning mind. He nodded and rushed off when Lan Xichen proposed: "A-Sang, why do you not go check if any of your spies have already arrived? I am sure that with their help and expertise, we will be able to find A-Yuan that much faster."

The Qinghe Nie sect heir nodded as well and with one last pained look in Wei Wuxian's and Lan Wangji's direction, he rushed off into the night. His dark robes made it hard for Lan Xichen to follow the direction he was going into and he soon lost any sight of him.

He closed his eyes and sighed. It was suddenly so much harder to keep calm and not kneel before the parents to apologize from the bottom of his heart. Without Nie Huisang by his side, Lan Xichen felt more vulnerable and so much weaker. Nevertheless, he was still a sect leader, at least in name, he needed to keep it together until the situation would be resolved.

Next, he went closer to the broken down fated soulmates and asked Wen Ning, the only doctor they had at their disposition right now: "Young Master Wen, how is Wuxian doing?"

Looking back, it was probably a pretty dumb question. Of course, the Omega was out of his mind with grief and worry, much like his husband. He was still clutching A-Yuan's outer robe close to his chest, as it if it could somehow bring his son back to him. He was not weeping loudly anymore, just sobbing silently and wetting the white fabric with his tears. Lan Wangji was kneeling next to him, supporting him and hugging him as best as he could with a completely lost expression on his face. Lan Xichen's heart was hurting for them both and his guilt came back to stab him again.