Letting go of self-restraint 5 - Great happiness in a small package

Chapter 13

To say that Lan Wangji was surprised would have been a great understatement. In fact, he was shocked. Not only had his husband accepted that A-Yuan continue playing with the rabbits together with Nie Huisang and Lan Xichen instead of retreating back to the Jingshi in panic, but he also continued to stay open minded. Or at least as much as he could given the circumstances.

Lan Wangji could tell that it was very stressful for Wei Ying to agree to go outside, and even be the one to initiate a stroll in the back mountains or to the children's quarters. After the first attempt had gone slightly awry, he had truly expected the Omega to just never step a foot outside, keeping A-Yuan with him at all times. But the contrary had happened.

After the incident in the rabbits' field, Wei Ying had started to actually regard going outside more positively. Lan Wangji remained baffled as to why and in the end, sat down with his husband one evening, after yet another day full of stress and slightly forced laughter to talk to him. They had just tugged A-Yuan into his own bed and had still a little time before the curfew. It was as good an opportunity as he would get.

"Wei Ying," he started, unsure of how he should explain his worries. "Not that I am not happy with us playing with A-Yuan outside of the Jingshi, I am overjoyed really. But I could not have not noticed that it is stressing you out every time. You do not have to push yourself."

Every time he felt his husband all tense but pretending to smile for A-Yuan's sake, Lan Wangji's heart was hurting, he wanted both members of his little family to enjoy their strolls through the Cloud Recesses. Every time he could only stand by the side, offering what support he could to his husband, he was being vividly reminded of the very beginning of their relationship. Also back then, Wei Ying had been pushing himself way too hard in order not to inconvenience anyone, the least of the people who had found out about his past and had been trying to help him recover.

And it had not brought anything good back then either. Wei Ying's stubborn determination to apparently give himself a panic attack at numerous occasions had worked against the recovery and worried everyone endlessly. However, at least back then, Lan Wangji knew how to be there for his husband. This time though, he was not certain how he should support his fated partner and how to help him overcome this seemingly impenetrable wall of his fears. This was the greatest challenge yet.

"And how could it not be?" thought Lan Wangji to himself while waiting for his husband's reaction to his words, I cannot even imagine how deeply he was hurt by Yu Ziyuan taking away his first child before it could have been born. I understand that he wants to protect A-Yuan, I do as well. But this cannot go on any longer, it is unhealthy and stressful for Wei Ying. I am worried that he will break one day under all of this..."

"Oh, Lan Zhan..." looked Wei Ying at his husband with unshed tears in his eyes.

It was only then that Lan Wangji realized he had let his thoughts seep into their shared mental space unconsciously, and that the Omega had heard them. There was no regretting this fact now, it was too late to take anything back. And anyway, Lan Wangji had not been lying, those were his most sincere worries. Perhaps it would actually be good that Wei Ying knew about them and started treasuring himself and his own sanity as much as Lan Wangji did for him.

With an unreadable expression, his husband leaned closer and took the Second Jade's hands into his own, kissing their backs one by one. It was a silent apology and Lan Wangji took it as one, he did not want to stop the Omega from talking to him and if this helped, he was prepared to have the skin of his hands being kissed away.

"Lan Zhan, it is not that I am pushing myself, at least not in the way you are thinking I am. I saw how much happier A-Yuan have been when exploring outside of the Jingshi and I realized... I was not doing this for him. I was cowardly hiding away because of my fears, just like Brother Nie had said. A-Yuan deserves so much more than to see only the walls of the Jingshi and to have me keeping him in a too small cage. He deserves the whole world and I am determined to give it to him."

"But Wei Ying is not happy," argued Lan Wangji weakly. He understood from where his husband was coming from, but it did not mean he was going to accept seeing him stressed out all the time.

Despite his short statement, Wei Ying seemed to have seen right through him and immediately went to sooth his worries away again: "Lan Zhan, it is not that I am not happy. I love seeing A-Yuan smile and run around with Brother Nie, Brother Xichen and the other children. It is just... it takes a little time to get used to and to convince myself that nothing bad will happen to our son."

"I want to help," Lan Wangji requested without losing even a single second to think.

His voice perhaps sounded a little more desperate than the situation warranted, but he could not quite calm down. Not when his husband was once again bearing the whole burden just by himself. The pattern was clear by now; whenever Wei Ying was struggling with something truly hard, he would try to protect his husband by remaining silent and stubbornly insisting on taking everything on on his lonesome.

"Ah, Lan Zhan, my sweet and kind husband. You are already helping so much, always so good to me. I could not do this without you. Without you, I would have never found the courage to step out of the Jingshi at all and to show out son to anyone. If it was just me, I would have already run away and went to hide in the Burial Mounds, away from the whole world. I would probably also still be ashamed of being an Omega as well. You are doing so much for me. You staying by my side is already more than I could ask for."

This alleviated Lan Wangji's worries just the tiniest bit: "Although Wei Ying had not spoken to me about any of this until now, I can feel that he is telling the truth now. Perhaps it is really alright to support him from afar as best as I can and let him sort through his emotions first. I can tell that he is already improving, even if only slowly."

And he also spoke his thoughts aloud to give them the appropriate weight: "No need to rush. I am here, Wei Ying."

His husband finally smiled his brightest at him and agreed before kissing him on his lips: "Indeed, Lan Zhan, you are here. And you will always be, will you not? I am the luckiest Omega who ever lived."

The Second Jade could have begged to differ. This was the least care that Wei Ying deserved after his past life being a literal nightmare. But he kept silent, it was an argument for another time. Now he was simply happy to be there for Wei Ying for as long as his husband would need him by his side.