Letting go of self-restraint 5 - Great happiness in a small package

Chapter 36

Wei Wuxian was flying back on his sword and he felt better than he had in the last two year, or perhaps than ever if he was thinking a little longer about it. The celebration of his nephew turning two years old in the Koi Tower had been grand and great. But that was not the reason for his heart feeling all light, so much lighter than before going, and for the way he could not stop grinning.

"Lan Zhan," he called his husband through their mental bond. He was way too excited to wait until they would arrive to the Cloud Recesses. "That was so great. Did you have as much fun as me? I swear, when Jiang Cheng is drunk and then you let him anywhere close to children, he turns into such a softie. No one would believe me if they did not see it with their own eyes. The always strict and easy to anger Yunmeng Jiang sect leader, becoming all sappy with toddlers."

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed with him easily, "it was truly entertaining. He likes both A-Yuan and A-Ling a lot. He even brought A-Yuan a gift despite it not being his birthday yet."

"Right? Right? I almost could not recognize him. After nearly two years of not seeing each other, it is no wonder really. I have caused all of you so much worries..."

Suddenly, Wei Wuxian's conscience made all the happiness and fluffiness go away. He truly had been selfish in trying to hide his son in the Jingshi, away from the whole world and keeping Lan Zhan by their side at all times. Not only had he almost hindered the child's future – not anymore though as he would make sure to let A-Yuan experience all kinds of things from now on – he had also worried basically everyone who knew and loved him. He felt deeply ashamed for not realizing what he had been doing sooner.

His husband immediately picked up on the change of his mood and went to sooth him: "Wei Ying, do not blame yourself. You were only doing what you thought was the best. And now, when you realized that the way you have chosen is not the correct one, you are trying hard to change it. I do not blame you for anything, and neither does A-Yuan, I promise. If I believed that keeping him close to us would help protect him, I would never leave him out of my sight.

It is good that you have realized in time and decided to face your fears. I am here for your, we all are, whenever you need us. You do not have to face anything alone anymore. I am proud of you for asking for help and accepting it. And I am happy that you are finally feeling better as well."

"Lan Zhan..." moaned Wei Wuxian in embarrassment. No matter how many times he had heard those words, they always made his heart skip several beats and then start anew in a frantic rhythm. His husband was simply said the best and most understanding man in the whole world.

They flew in silence for several minutes and then Wei Wuxian tentatively started another conversation. It was a topic which has been now on his mind for a while already. Now that he was feeling more secure with people whom he trusted taking care of A-Yuan when he was not around, he was inexplicably longing for his old life. Not all of it, of course, who would want the suffering and insecurities back, but he was missing being a cultivator.

He wanted to pick up his sword again and start training with both Lan Zhan and other cultivators to hone his skills. They are paramount to assure that A-Yuan was kept safe. When he had still been shutting himself and his son off in the Jingshi, he did not feel like he needed to improve so strongly. However now that he was about to show A-Yuan to the whole world, he needed to be strong enough to also protect him from it, no matter which path the child would decide to take.

He also missed inventing and designing new talismans. During the two year long break, he had had quite a few ideas but he was never feeling safe and relaxed enough to indulge himself and take his attention off of A-Yuan. Anything could happen if he got too immersed in a new invention. It could also be quite dangerous should anything go wrong in the process. He could not put his baby into such danger. Now though, he knew that he could set up a study or a workshop outside of the Jingshi and have A-Yuan spend some time with Lan Zhan, or Nie Huisang and Lan Xichen while he would be working.

What he was missing the most were night hunts. He wanted to be able to help common people against anything which would be threatening them. He still remembered vividly how good of a team he and his husband could form. They did not need to say a single word and they knew what the other was about to do and adjusted their own actions accordingly. He was longing to feel like that again, to have adrenaline running through his veins and to know that everything was fine because his fated soulmate was there with him, always having his back.

There were still lingering worries that he would have to leave A-Yuan alone with someone for a long period of time. He was trying to reassure himself, after all, his son had been just fine with Nie Huisang and Lan Xichen when he had had his heat. Those had not been mere minutes either; at one occasion, he had let himself be shamefully overwhelmed and had not realized that morning had come before going to pick A-Yuan up with burning cheeks.

Lan Xichen and Nie Huisang had not commented on anything, they had just assured him that nothing had happened in the meantime and that A-Yuan had been having a good time. They had congratulated him too, which had made him blush even more fiercely, matching the colour of his cheeks to that of the tips of Lan Zhan's ears.

"Lan Zhan," he started tentatively, not really sure what his husband would think about this idea. But it was Lan Zhan after all, there was surely nothing to fear. He steeled his resolve and continued in a more confident way: "What do you say we go on a night hunt one of these days? A really small one, just to remember how it feels. I know what you are going to say and I feel like I am ready. If we take some precautions of course. We could..."

Wei Wuxian never got to start his carefully prepared tirade of precautions and reasons why he would be fine and he felt a warm presence coming through the mental bond. It was as if Lan Zhan was trying to hug and kiss him despite the fact that they were still flying and there were several feet of distance between the both of them.

"Whatever Wei Ying wants and whatever he is comfortable with," replied his husband in the solemn fashion that was reserved only for him.

Wei Wuxian's smile became even bigger and he turned his head towards his husband to show him just how happy he was in case the other had not already understood from the emotions which were surely flooding their shared bond. As they continued flying towards their home, they started talking about what kind of night hunt they should pick as their first.