Letting go of self-restraint 5 - Great happiness in a small package

Chapter 25

Note: the first part of this chapter contains a mild description of a panic attack, please be warned and proceed at your own discretion

Wei Wuxian was sitting in the Jingshi and in his hands, he was clutching the talisman Nie Huisang had invented. He was holding it so tightly that he should probably be worried about crushing it into a small ball or tearing it in the process. However, he could not help himself. Although this was their fifth trial already – the first four being carried out in the immediate vicinity of the Jingshi – this one was going to be the hardest for him yet.

He was feeling very anxious because he had let himself be persuaded to entrust A-Yuan to Jiang Yanli and the others and remain in his home while his son was taken away. They did not tell him where exactly they went, they only informed Lan Zhan in case Wei Wuxian started outright panicking so they would be able to find them quickly. That was just an insurance though, the point of today's trial was for Wei Wuxian to hold on as long as he could before he would go search for his son with the help of the tracking feature of the talisman.

"Brother Nie explained to me how exactly it works and we have also tested it with having Jin Ling take the other half of the talisman. We were able to find him easily and we all heard what was happening on the other side. I know Brother Nie had done a splendid job with inventing such a useful talisman. However, I still cannot so easily calm myself down. It is completely different when A-Yuan is the one being taken away and having the talisman on him..."

Yes, it was different, very much so. Wei Wuxian's anxiousness and fear skyrocketed in a matter of a single minute after Jiang Yanli gently and carefully took A-Yuan from his hands and headed out of the door. It was not that Wei Wuxian did not believe her to look after his son, but he still could not help himself but to worry:

"What if something happens to them? What if, even in the Cloud Recesses, there would be someone who would want to take A-Yuan away? Or hurt him? Or what if Madame Yu suddenly appears and sees that I have a child with Lan Zhan? What if she would want to kill A-Yuan on the spot? Or what if he wanders off outside of the talisman's range and we will not be able to find him? He is so young and small; he cannot survive on his own. Especially if he gets lost in the back mountains or somehow ends up alone on the streets in some unknown city..."

In the back of his mind, he of course knew that Madame Yu was safely locked away in a prison and would not be able to come even if she learned he had a child now. Nevertheless, the worries remained as vivid as ever. His imagination was working overtime and he was very quickly feeling out of his mind. No help was Lan Zhan's hand around his waist, his calming pheromones and his constant humming of their special song or endless reassurances. This was in his head and he was the one who had to face his fear.

Imagining everything that could happen to a toddler in the outside world, especially if his friends and siblings would turn their eyes away even for a second, Wei Wuxian suddenly found it hard to breathe properly. His lungs were desperately begging for air which he could only inhale in small puffs and huffs. His blood was pulsing in his temples and he started feeling lightheaded and nauseous. He knew he had to calm down, but it was getting harder and harder to keep himself from springing to his feet and blindly running outside of the Jingshi in order to find his son and make sure he was fine.

***

Lan Wangji kept a close eye on his husband all the while supporting him with one hand wrapped around his waist and the other rubbing soothing circles onto his shoulders and back. He could feel the waves of anxiousness coming from his fated soulmate and his quickly rising panic.

"Wei Ying!" he called out to him like already many times during the last few minutes.

And just like before, he did not get any reaction. It worried him to no end. Especially because his husband's thoughts were swirling around so quickly that he could not find any opening when he would be able to pull him out of them. This was becoming dangerous and he could not help himself but starting to panic as well because he could not get through to his soulmate by any means. Wei Ying had stopped listening to his reassurances a while back and was now lost in his mind where he was torturing himself.

Lan Wangji could hear only snippets of his thoughts, but it was still enough to make him worry endlessly: "I should not have let him go... my little radish... He is in danger... Madame Yu will take him away... cannot live on the streets... horrible parent... A-Yuan..."

Desperate to help at least somehow, Lan Wangji tried once again, for the umpteenth time since his husband had been engulfed by his rising panic, to tell him where their son was and that everything was just fine: "Wei Ying, A-Yuan is in the rabbit field. He is safe."

However, his soulmate did not hear him this time either. "What should I do?" he was asking himself with still growing desperation, "if this goes on for much longer, Wei Ying will really go mad with worries. I could take him to find A-Yuan, but I am afraid that in this state, it would only scare the little child to see one of his fathers like this. I first need to calm Wei Ying down. But how?"

And then it finally downed on him. He had also listened to the explanation Nie Huisang had given about how his talisman was working. Perhaps if Wei Ying would hear their baby laughing and having a good time, he would be able to calm down enough so they could go meet him. At least that was Lan Wangji's hope as he gently but resolutely pried the talisman from Wei Ying's cold and rigid hand.

It looked like this woke his husband at last. His head snapped down and he looked at his empty hands. Lan Wangji could feel him plunging even deeper into his despair but he was already channelling his spiritual energy to the talisman. It worked instantly and they could hear A-Yuan laughing and talking with the others happily. Their son was fine and Lan Wangji dearly hoped that Wei Ying would understand it as well and snap out of his panic.

"Wei Ying..." he tried calling his husband again. And this time, the other looked away from the talisman and directly into his eyes.

He seemed completely taken over by disbelief and relief. "Lan Zhan... is that... A-Yuan?"

"Mn," the Second Jade replied instantly and gathered his husband even closer to himself, sitting him in his lap so they could listen together to the sounds of their son having fun. It seemed it was a mistake that they had not activated the talisman right at the moment when everyone left the Jingshi, he had to remember for the future.

When there was another bout of laughter, he felt Wei Ying relax against his chest. They were past the worse and he was impossibly thankful to it. Nie Huisang had truly thought of everything when he designed this talisman. Now though, they should still go find A-Yuan before Wei Ying will be defeated by his worries once again, having been apart for 15 minutes would have to be enough for the first try.