Letting go of self-restraint 5 - Great happiness in a small package

Chapter 8

Wei Wuxian was playing with his son on the ground in the middle of the Jingshi when there was knocking on the door. His head shot up, he was immediately way more aware of the whole room then before and also more alert. He hated to react like this, there was no one who would even think about harming A-Yuan in the Cloud Recesses and even less so for those who came to visit the Jingshi.

However, he could not help himself. This kind of reaction was instinctive and no matter how many times Wei Wuxian had been proved that there was nothing to fear, he simply never relaxed enough to not overreact.

"A-Yuan!" he called, his voice suddenly nervous and urgent. He could try to calm his heart down and fight the sudden surge of adrenalin, but he first wanted to have his son in his arms.

Lan Zhan, bless him for being the most attentive and understanding husband there could be, waited until A-Yuan toddled over to Wei Wuxian and looked at him with questioning eyes before he opened the door. He positioned himself between any potential threats and his family, an impenetrable and reassuring wall shielding them from any danger.

Wei Wuxian's heart swelled: "I truly have such a perfect husband. And a very obedient and sweet child. So why can I not relax and finally accept that everything is fine and that no one is going to take my precious baby from me?"

Lan Zhan must have felt his self-directed guilt and anger but did not comment on it, at least for the moment. Instead, he was watching the two figures outside of the door and invited them inside before Wei Wuxian even recognized who they were. Then again, he knew there was nothing to fear, his husband would not let just anyone into their home.

Suddenly, A-Yuan squirmed in his arms and was reaching grabby fingers towards the guests with a delighted shout: "Nie-Gege!"

It was only then that Wei Wuxian's mind started to work properly again and he chastised himself for his previous panic, no matter how brief it had been. For the people who came to visit them were no strangers at all, much less someone who would want them harm. Nie Huisang stormed into the room as a wild current, full of energy, with sparkling eyes and a happy smile. Lan Xichen followed after him in a more sedate fashion, no less excitedly however. He doted very much on A-Yuan and always had a soft expression when he saw him.

Nie Huisang came forward in a swish of olive-green robes and kneeled down to take the child's hands into his own. He was smiling even more widely at the toddler and cooed when he greeted him: "A-Yuan, my favourite little radish. Did you miss me very much these past weeks?"

"Nie-Gege!" the child called out to him again and redoubled his efforts to be picked up by Nie Huisang. After a fraction of a second of hesitation, Wei Wuxian let the Qinghe Nie sect heir hold him.

He felt an embarrassed blush crawling onto his cheeks and had an urge to turn his head away. He should not jealous of his friend for being liked by A-Yuan, especially when he only got to spend a few hours with him while Wei Wuxian had him to himself all the time.

Although the jealousy was strong as the toddler looked especially happy right now, it was not the true reason for Wei Wuxian's sudden embarrassment. He was acutely aware that he had just been suspecting his friend and Lan Zhan's brother of wanting to hurt A-Yuan. He had been way too alarmed and still could not fully calm down. It had been years since he had even met anyone of ill will, much less his adoptive mother, he should no longer be overreacting like this. He was only causing worry to Lan Zhan and making everyone feel awkward.

"I will only be a burden if he continued behaving like this," he chastised himself internally. The guilt which had at first been nothing more than a shadow of the thought was now letting its presence be felt in its full potential. It was as if a knife had been thrust right through Wei Wuxian's stomach and someone was twisting it, accusing him for not being able to fully recover even after long years of living a happy life in peace.

His husband must have read all of his thoughts as the next second, he turned from where he had been talking to his brother. Through their mind link, he reprimanded Wei Wuxian gently: "Wei Ying, no blaming yourself. It is not your fault for wanting to protect A-Yuan to the best of your abilities. You are only doing what you think is the best for our son. We have already talked about this. You are not a burden and I would never think any less of you because you are still scared of what could happen in the outside world."

"But, Lan Zhan," retorted Wei Wuxian weakly. They had indeed been through this many times before. "You cannot just say things like this. I know very well that I am acting weird. That I am impending A-Yuan's development and taking away part of his happiness when I keep him so close to myself all the time, not letting him spread his wings. He should be allowed to go exploring, he should play with other children. It is just that I..."

Wei Wuxian stopped speaking. Once again, he was becoming overwhelmed by emotions, and not exactly good ones. He indeed knew that what he was doing was not right, that he should let his son run around freely and experience the world. It was just that he could not. He was way too scared to let him wander out of his sight for even a second. He knew from his own experience how harsh world could be and that dangers lurked in every corner.

Before he even realized Lan Zhan had moved, his husband was already kneeling in front of him and taking his face between his hands, gently tracing calming circles onto his cheeks.

"Wei Ying, you do not have to rush into anything. You can go at your own pace and change what you think needs to be changed. A-Yuan is still small, it is only natural that you want to protect him. I want to as well. But we should also be allowed to take a break from time to time, to have some time to ourselves and regain our forces."

Wei Wuxian was confused about Lan Zhan's words. However, he could feel through their bond all the sincerity and care his husband harboured in his heart. He looked at Nie Huisang who was now sitting himself on the ground and reaching for A-Yuan's toys which had been abandoned from the moment he and Lan Xichen had come inside.

Wei Wuxian took a deep breath and smiled at his husband: "Lan Zhan, you always know what to say."

He pointedly ignored Lan Xichen's quickly avoided eyes and kissed his soulmate. It was a chaste kiss with no other purpose but to express his gratitude. But somehow, it felt like so much more than just that.

He was not sure he was ready to take the first step and actually heed to Lan Zhan's advice, but he was relived nevertheless. His husband had always understood him the best and he felt so loved he wanted to melt even more into his husband's arms and continue kissing him. It had been so long since they had done anything more than just fleeting kisses, even during the Omega's heats.

Not that Lan Zhan was not willing to, but Wei Wuxian could not let himself relax for even a moment, he had to always keep an eye on A-Yuan. It was only now, when he felt Lan Zhan's almost desperate lips returning his kiss, that he realized how much this have been hurting his husband and how hard it must have been for an Alpha to resist the temptation of making love to his Omega partner when he was in heat.

Wei Wuxian had once promised that he would never hurt Lan Zhan and look what he was doing again. Although unconsciously and due to his genuine concern for their son, he had been neglecting his husband. He could not do this, not to his fated soulmate who had done so much for him. Things had to change. He had to change. Even if he did not know how to do it just yet.