Soulmate

Fifty Four: Ophelia

San Francisco, California
March 7, 2020

I feel sick waiting for my grandmother's death to overtake her. It's inevitable at this point, I know that. I've been able to prepare and come to terms with in in the five days since I returned home from South Korea. She hasn't hardly been able to speak or do much other than open her eyes and smile when she sees me. I hate to see her suffering and in pain, it's never been something I wanted for her. These moments bring me back to my father's final days in this life. When he couldn't speak, eat, drink, lift his own hand, or do anything for himself. He was a shell, a skeleton, withering away with every breath. I had always blocked out the memories of my father when he was the sickest, but I can no longer keep the horrible thoughts away.

My tears have dried out. At first, I thought I was crying at the thought of losing my grandmother, but the more I slept alone in my bed and had only Ara and Rose for company, the more I realized I was hurting from being away from Seokjin as well. I was missing all of them terribly. My house was so empty compared to the bustling business of their massive apartment, so lonely, it was a constant reminder of just how lonely I was about to be. I texted him when i landed in San Francisco and again a few days ago so we could check in with each other, but we haven't been able to converse since I left. They're preparing every day most hours of the day for the upcoming tour and the millions of interviews they'll have in the US. All I've wanted to hear is the comforting lull of his voice in my ear. Instead I hear the dull whirs and beeps of the machines keeping Nanna alive.

I grip her limp hand tightly. She's been waking up a few more times today than she usually does. I sit next to her and hold her hand, staring out the window at the sunny day. Bouquets of flowers are sitting in near piles on the windowsill and they smile at me, but I can't do anything but stare back with a blank face. I look around at the few BTS posters we were allowed to hang up, Nanna's signed picket fan taped above her bed. She did  have a reaction when I showed her that Jimin said he loved her: a wide smile and pleased hum. Back off to sleep she went after that.

There's a brisk knock on the door and Rose and Ara are coming into the room carrying a brown paper bag. Rose lifts it so I can see the logo on the side of the bag. It's one of my favorite restaurants.

"We come bearing gifts," she says, depositing the bag into my lap, "—and baby, of course." Violet calls a little "oh oh oh," her way of trying to say my very complicated name.

"Thanks, you guys," I say, mustering up as much enthusiasm as I can. I open the bag to eat for the first time today. "She's the same, in case you were wondering."

"How's Jinnie?" Ara asks, rubbing my shoulder before she sits on the couch below the windows and flowers. "Have you talked to him since you left?"

"A little bit," I say. "Their schedule has picked up now that they're starting to promote here. And I've been pretty tired anytime I've been able to be at home. Leaves little room for conversation."

"Are they worried about the new pandemic? My cousin said it's starting to get scary over there." Ara nervously picks at the nail polish on her fingernail.

I shrug. "We haven't talked about it, so I don't know. They'll be in California in a week, though."

"That's great!" Rose's voice is hopeful. "You guys can see each other then!"

"Probably not," I whisper dejectedly. "They'll be really busy with all the traveling and interviews. Jimmy Fallon is shutting down part of the New York subway system to film their whole episode today so..."

We fall into silence for a moment and just listen to the whirring of Nanna's monitors. I sigh and lean against the back of my chair. Rose reaches over to pat my knee. Violet watches her mother and gives me a few encouraging pats as well. The two of them make me smile.