The Loving Silence

Chapter 42

He felt it strongly in his heart and his mind. It was not just a thought. Nothing would ever feel right again, feel worthwhile. He has survived everything life had put him through, but this? This was too much to bear. He was alive in body alone.
As much as he tried not to think about it, or think at all, all he could see and feel was the darkness. It was endless and encapsulated him. It felt as if he had anchors cuffed with cast iron chains to his ankles and they were pulling him down, down and further down the depths of despair. There was nothing to cling to, to hold on to, nothing to stop him from sinking. Nor could his body muster up the energy to try. All that he was and ever shall be... it was gone.

Luca's smile faded when he saw the expression on Rue's face. He was smiling, but only in the sense that the corners of his lips were pulled ever so slightly upward. That was the only clue that that was what he was trying to do. There was no joy in his eyes. It was as if the light had gone clean out of them. The rest of his face was blank and expressionless, as if his muscles had all disappeared. The effort of pulling up the corners of his lips made them tremble, and Luca couldn't bear it. It physically hurt to see him so drained, so joyless, and he didn't know how to make it better. How he wished he could make it better.

"Stop, please stop. If you don't feel like smiling - and anyone can see that you don't - do not force yourself to. It is only making you look more miserable. Please, isn't there something I can do?"

Rue shook his head once and then met his gaze. He stared into his eyes, not knowing what to say, but wanting to convey the gratitude he felt.

"Could you maybe try to tell me about it? About what is causing you this much pain?" He felt so useless, when all he could do was watch Rue get a little bit worse off every day. Maybe he shouldn't have left the hospital so soon. Maybe he would be safer there. They could look after him better than he could. Or at least the kind ones could.

He led him to the small sofa and sat down next to him. "I can't promise I can fix it, but I won't be able to help you at all if I don't know what's wrong."

Rue swallowed and decided enough was enough. He was tired of feeling so lonely in his struggles. It was time to let someone in. What little energy had kept him upright and moving about went straight out of him, like a breath of air, and he deflated, resting heavily on Luca's shoulder.

Luca was not bothered, but in fact relieved. He reached behind Rue and pulled down the cobalt blue fleece blanket over their laps. Then he slowly lifted his arms, afraid he'd startle Rue with any sudden movements, and then wrapped them around his body. "You are not alone." He whispered over and over again, both a promise and a prayer.

Rue kicked off his slippers and folded his legs up to the side, adjusting himself so that he was resting on Luca's chest instead. They stayed like that for a long time. Luca stroked his hair, patiently waiting for Rue to be ready. If he wanted to say something, he would, and Luca would be there to hear every word.

"It was getting bad even before all this happened." Rue said quietly.

Luca almost thought he'd imagined him speaking, for they had been sitting in silence for so long.

"Then everything happened so quickly, one after the other. The call, deciding to go back there, going to the firm... and the hell that followed. Before I could take any of it in, before I could even begin to process, something else followed. Something worse still.
At the hospital, all focus went to my physical injuries, and with the pain I experienced and with my head injury, I could focus on little else. As I was getting better, this feeling of dread grew stronger. It felt as if something bad was going to happen, only it already had." Rue was feeling brave and took hold of Luca's hand, interlacing their fingers. "My childhood..." he sighed, "let's just say I have a lot of scars, and I don't just mean the obvious ones that anyone can see."