The Loving Silence

Chapter 42

Luca had to go to the hotel and work half-days that week, even though he was supposed to be having some time off for his "family emergency". The boss wasn't in, and there was an unusually large amount of bookings. His friend couldn't handle them all alone, and he owed her for her help with everything when Rue went missing. It wasn't a complete favour though. It was still his job and he would get paid. But that meant Rue had a few hours to himself in the apartment.
     Rue stretched and whimpered as his body protested. He kept forgetting he was still injured, and his injuries were insistent on reminding him. He got up once the pain had simmered down some, and took a light shower. He couldn't wash his hair well on his own yet, but he could take smaller regular showers, and for that he was grateful. Not that he hadn't enjoyed Luca's attentive aid. He certainly had, but he felt guilty relying on him too much. He was already staying at his place, and that made him feel bad enough. Luca said it wasn't a problem, that he was happy to have him stay there. Even if that was true, Rue knew it was no more than a temporary solution. He was there to heal and to relax, but all he could think about was Rick and everything he had unresolved back home.
He wondered how they were doing without him. Had they noticed his absence? Did he want them to? To have them miss him and worry about him felt wrong. Though the idea of having been forgotten didn't make him feel any better.

Every time he focused on something for more than a moment or two, or whenever he worried, he'd feel a migraine coming on. His headaches were still troubling him, and his head hurt for most of the day, whether he worried or not. But what else was he supposed to do? What was the right thing to do here? Even if he went back, he couldn't work right now. He couldn't do what he loved and so he wouldn't be able to make more designs for the restaurant. Before all of this, he had already decided he was going to pull away, let Rick go and not stand in the way of his happy family. His dream. To reach out only to tell them what had happened, to him that would feel like a pathetic cry for attention more than anything. To pull them away from their lives, their work, just to share his misery with them... it would be unkind. Misery loved company, but he would not drag the people back home down with him. Therefore he decided to keep what happened to himself, and try to bury whatever feelings he felt.
He would have to learn to make it through this without them. After all, he had been alone for most of his life, and he could do it again. It might be hard at first, to stop the urge to lean on them, ask for their help or their time, but he knew he could do it. It takes time to form a habit, and time was all he needed. Once more, he would get used to doing things on his own. He would miss them - he did miss them already - but his heart would have to learn to think fondly of the time they'd had together and then let them go.
Goodbyes were never easy. It would be easier for him to get used to living without them when he knew the restaurant wasn't just a short walk away. He was here now, and hoped that "out of sight" would eventually lead to "out of mind" too.
Rue leaned against the table and looked out the window just as a bird flew past. It seemed as if the world agreed with his decision. Well... That was that then.
"Goodbye." He whispered before turning away.
He felt something cold on his cheek and touched it. Oh. He didn't realise he had been crying. No matter. Even tears would stop falling eventually.

***

"Honey, I'm home" Luca joked as he unlocked the door.

Rue smiled a little, but it felt forced. Luca deserved to see him smile, but not all days were smiling days. This wasn't one. The expression felt foreign to him, as if his face knew not what he was doing or what for.

It was true that he was homesick, missing that which he was used to. The people he was used to having around. However, that was nothing compared to the endless void he was now carrying inside, threatening to swallow him whole without anyone noticing. His soul was parched and without energy. Everything hurt, and not just because of his injuries. If his heart had been cut out, he would still not miss it's presence more than this. Rue couldn't smile. He couldn't smile, because inside he felt completely shattered.