My mother and I continue the act for another year where I mess up everything in my sight at my uncle's house. I felt bad because my mother cleaned it every time. she kept working as a maid more and more trying to make any money she can. her hands were becoming burned from all the cleaning products.
at night she would stay up practicing how to do khidab (black henna). she said she learned how to make it while cleaning one of the woman's houses. now she practices how to draw it on her arms where she can cover it with clothes. I told her she can practice on my back since I never take my shirt off in front of people but she said it was haram for men.
I've started working too secretly. I haven't told her anything but I work at a stable. I could've worked as a farmer but I would have walked the sheep through the place where my mom always gets water from. she would have caught me. i don't want her to know because she would refuse my work. iv'e only told Zakriya and Hamza. they spent some time there with me keeping me company but they couldn't stand the smell of horse feces so they stopped coming.
I hated school, I didn't find a passion in it. Marwa seems like she can be a nurse. she's so smart when it comes to school. i asked Zakriya if he can start walking her home because I usually ran after school to the stables and changed clothes there. Also, it's not like I care but people were spreading rumors about us. that she loves the maid's son. then her reputation would be damaged as if it was my fault. so what if she's Maryam's daughter what does that have to do with me?
plus I can't just let that happen, a woman's reputation is very important it determines how the whole world treats her. my mother taught me that very well. a hand pushes me from the back like a heavy slap and it stung.
"what the hell," i said turning around and it was Marwa.
"why did you do that are you crazy? what's wrong with you gorilla" i said
"what's wrong with you, i asked you to walk me home because I trusted you not your friend," she said frustrated and loud
"Zakariya is trustworthy," i said
"Zakariya is a boy" she retorted
"so I'm not a boy to you?" i said taking a step closer to her. I'm mad, does she not see me as a man. she hesitates and backs away nervously
"you really are just one big idiot" she said frustrated and walked away. i rubbed over the area on my back, she has such a big hand. that damn gorilla. what's her problem?
the next day i walked her home because I felt bad but she wouldn't even talk to me. she was mad at me even though I'm the one who has the right to be mad because apparently, I'm, not a man. i liked the silence anyway. not hearing her voice was a blessing "alhamdulillah"
yet i asked her anyways. "what's the difference between me walking you right now and Zakriya?" she doesn't answer.
"you know this is the right time to speak?"
she bends down lowering her sock and exposing her ankle. There was a giant slash like a knife that had swiped over it. i spontaneously reach to touch it but she stops me. we aren't kids anymore. she doesn't act like a younger sister anymore. there were rules now. "sorry," i said retreating my arm.
"it happened when I was walking home, in the morning i felt like someone was after me but i started running so he couldn't catch me, i didn't turn around to see who it was. Then on the way home, I thought since it was a busy time of day I was safe. Then the street got empty and silent like right now" she says making me aware of how silent the way home was.
"he followed me and tried to grab me. then i fell and tried to crawl away while screaming but he took a knife out and slashed my ankle. i kicked him in his face and threw sand over his eyes then ran faster. i was lucky but i don't know where that man is he could still be here, watching me"
she was right. i was a big idiot. she talked about it like it was normal, i wanted to rip the hands-off whoever did this. how can anyone lay his hand on one of the women in our neighborhood?
"did you recognize him from around here," i said trying my best to sound calm
"i don't know, I remember him being skinny and having these big eyes that dilated and his teeth were yellow when he smiled at how he had caught me. i don't remember seeing him around because i hadn't ever looked around much before that" she said
maybe that's why she always reviewed on the walk home or to school, she was trying to distract herself from that day.
"why didn't you ever say something, does your mom know?"
"no don't you ever tell anyone," she said
"But why? your dad could have gotten him caught, he could have -"
"my dad could have had me sit at home where I was safe and stop school and people would have stopped their daughters from going to school" i realize that's what she fears most, giving up her education. I never noticed that she cared this much.
"you have to say wallah you won't tell anyone" she looks at me and I want to tell my mother. she could comfort her. "JABIL SAY WALLAH"
"what if we just tell my mother," i said
"no, you can't, see this is exactly why I didn't tell anyone, people don't blame the guy they'll say my uniform was probably tight or that I tried to decorate my hijab for this reason and that it's my fault," she said
"wallah I won't tell anyone," i said and I promise that I'll walk her every time. I'll support her.
"you know what sucks the most about this," she said and i shook my head. "the fact that i can't trust any other guy now so I'm stuck with an idiot" she smiles and her two dimples show. i always thought she only had one. I also notice how she stopped knitting those tiny flowers on her hijab and how big her uniform was that she had to constantly hold it with one hand so it wouldn't drag on the dirt
"it's not your fault," i said and she nods in a way that i can't make sense of. not sure if she believes it or not.
she tries to change the subject and asks me where I've been lately. i told her about my job at the stables and that was the reason i stopped walking her. she nods and apologizes for hitting me without knowing that's why i left. she promises to walk faster so i wouldn't be late but even if she walked slowly now I can't tell her to hurry.
***
That night when I closed my eyes to sleep I kept imagining her running away. I imagined her crawling away with a slashed ankle but i would force my eyes to open every time. i didn't want to see it. i thought about the flowers she used to put on her hijab and for the first time, i wish she would put them on again. Nothing was her fault.
YOU ARE READING
A silent cry
Historical Fiction"and after all this time of waiting the devil would reach out to me and whisper, he's dead and you are here, how much longer will you wait, how much longer would you deny the truth, at some point, I was afraid that he would unlock my ribcage and sen...
