Blue's Healing (HIATUS)

Chapter 24 (some edits)

I sat in the coffee shop a little while longer as my thoughts were calmer yet somehow even more frantic. Kind of like watching calm yet high waves in the ocean as your heart thunders in your ears from the sound. My wrist remained empty today. No colored bracelet to help guide me through my emotions but only a blank canvas fro me to do what I will without a limit.  I couldn't trust myself to the fullest extent yet but I wanted to be true to myself this time around when going to Shanes house. There is a lot that I wanted to tell Rosie but I had one thing in mind that I needed to focus on. Getting a clear understanding of what exactly caused our fallout. Why had she gotten so upset? Why did I feel so torn?
One thing was very clear; I was in a lot deeper than I had originally thought. I wanted someone to help me through all of my ups and downs but it seems I wanted something more from Rosie and I was toeing the line. I wanted something for the first time in a long time. I wanted something for myself and that something wore floral dresses with an air laced in lilac and spring meadows. Standing in the middle of a beach with my feet sinking in the burning sand as I mindlessly messed with the  line that separated me from the cool waves.
I wanted something more than friendship with Rosie...
Thoughts of silky hair, flowers, stickers and deep eyes threatened to drown me as I mad me way to the supermarket. My cheeks and ears burned at my musings. I guess this is what someone would call a crush. A crush.
~
It was half past 5 when I finally arrived at Shawns house I am a little early  but I don't have anything else planned for today. Honking, I pull up at the grand house, and Danny starts to flag me down from the middle of the gravel driveway. A shit eating grin is plastered on his face which tells me he is planning something. His eyes gain a glint and his teeth are on full show making a lone dimple pop out by the side of his cheek.
    Lord, what is he planning now? I was excited for once to actually be apart of something. Which may mean that today is a good day.
    "Miles!! Just the person I wanted to see," Danny jogs up to the car before leaning into the car through the passenger window.
    "Grab some of the groceries and I don't want any part of your evil scheming," I say as a chuckle makes it way up my throat.
    "Now, before you shut me down completely, hear me out." Oh, this ought to be good.
    Jumping out of the truck with a couple bags, I head toward the house without another look in his direction. Never look a hungry dragon in the mouth...or something like that. He is hot on my heels as I skirt into the house almost colliding with Shane.
    "Woah, there big guy, slow down," Shane says with slight horror.
    A laugh makes it way out my mouth as I drop the bags in my hands and grip Shanes shoulders saying, "Hide me!"
    *Click* It seemed in just a few seconds a flip hidden inside of me was flipped. And there was no way for me to control it. Did I even want to control it?
    I step around Shane and try my best to hide behind his shorter and slighter build. He tries to turn around to see me but I keep him firmly planted as I hear the footsteps of Danny crunching against the gravel.
    "The hungry dragon is trying to make me become his minion and then he's going to eat me," I say as a bubbly feeling starts to make its was in to my head and stomach. Like having too much bubbly and high off of helium.
    "Aah, I see. That's why you were in such a rush. Well, I'm not sure I can be of much help but I'lldo my best to not have you be eaten," Shane says as he looks at me over his shoulder. His green eyes twinkle with amusement before making the shushing sound. The sound of footsteps come to stop a few steps before us as Danny skirts in to the living room breathing hard.
    "Why are you running? I just want- Oh. What do we have here?"
    "What are you trying to recruit Miles for now, Danny?"
    "Oh you know, just something fun. Why is he hiding behind you?"
    I peek over Shanes black t-shirt clad shoulder to see Danny arching an eyebrow in amusement. Our eyes met briefly ad I duck back down quickly clutching the back of Shanes shirt.
    He jerks out my force before laughing, "I don't know what your talking about...Dragon Danny."
    "Dragon? What? So if I am a dragon that makes you what? His Prince Charming?" Danny mocks before trying to come closer.
    Shane shuffles backwards saying, "Stay back, Dragon. And yes, I guess I am. Isn't that right, Miles?"
    A laugh bubbles out of my chest as I say, "Yup! So, stay back, Evil Dragon!I don't want to be your minion!"
    "Now, I'm evil! Ooh, its on now," Danny lets out a roar that can only resemble a strangled dragon before charging at us.
Hearing his footsteps, I dart from behind Shane and make my way down the hallway towards the theater. Glancing behind me, I see Shane struggling with Danny as he snaps his teeth at me before shove the doors open to the theater. My feet come to a stop as I make canvas the room with frantic eyes in search of a hiding place. Gotta hurry! Hide! He's coming for you!
    A laugh threatens to come out as I cover my mouth with my hand and dive for a lump of covers situated on a large chase lounge. Quickly covering myself with the covers as best as I could, I cover my mouth with my hand with the other one clutching my chest. A passing thought of, what if they never come, tries to creep in but the sound of slow but deliberate footsteps distract me.
Footsteps echo slowly down the hallways as deep breathing follows them. A sniffing sound breaks the silence in the room as a mock deep voice follows soon after. "There is a little boy in here! Become my minion!"
I squirm with anticipation as I stifle a giggle from giving away my cover. There is no way I'm going to be eaten by the dragon today. I've got too much to do! I freeze when I feel a shift in the covers. And for a moment there is utter silence before a loud roar sounds throughout the room and I go darting from beneath the covers.
"I found you, Miles! You can not escape...The Dragon!"
I let out a shriek of laughter as a hand grabs my ankle preventing me from fully making it off the lounge chair. I flop over the edge of the chair laughing in between saying, "Never! Let me go!" I struggle against his grip as I clutch onto the soft black carpet. Suddenly, a hand reaches out tickling my side and my strength gives out as I collapse into a fit of laughter.
"Become my minion," the dragon says as he peppers my side in light tickles. Shaking my head, I aimlessly fight against his hands before slipping the rest of the way off the side of the lounge chair. We continue to struggle for a little while longer until my cheeks are stained with tears and I'm in fetal position with my head tucked down.
The sound of a throat clearing makes us freeze on the floor. My head shoots up tossing hundreds of strands of hair into the air and into my face. Between my strands of hair I see Rosie and Anna standing in the doorway with eyebrows raised and smiles stretched across their faces.
"Rosie! S-save me," I burst out before collapsing into giggles as Danny continues his onslaught. At this point I was cry form the continuous onslaught but I was having the time of my life. It was kind of like...the perfect torture.
"Danny-"
"Dragon," he states matter of factly.
"Right, Dragon," Anna says snarkly.
"Dragon, please let Miles go now," Rosie says sternly with humor laced in her words, "Wouldn't want the Dragon to lose his teeth now. Would we?"
Something on Rosies face must've caused him to stop as the next thing I know is Danny is hoping off saying, "You win this one, Witch. Dragon out!" as he heads out the door.
My body heaves as I unfurl my body from fetal position to lay on my back. My lungs struggled to get air in and out of my body as cool air brushes my face. My eyes that were closed tightly slowly open to see Rosie crouched beside me with a manicured hand fanning my face.
"Dragon?" she questions as her gentle light honeyed eyes gaze down at me. My gaze canvases her face taking in every detail, from her willow wisp curls curled around her face to her glossy pink plump lips turned up in a gentle yet amused smile. I nod my head softly as her pink almond shaped nails gently take my hair from my face.
    "Hmm, I like it. Danny can definitely be like a dragon," she says as she smooth my hair back and curling it behind my ear. Her red sweatpants clad leg brushes my leg as I lay there slowly trying to catch my breath but having her look at me was making it even more difficult.
"Let's get a drink, sweets," Rosie says as she helps me sit up from the carpet. She stands from crouching motioning me to follow before rolling her eyes at Anna.
"Y'all good? You don't need a moment to make out? Cause from the looks of it y'all-" Rosie cuts Anna off by punching her shoulder.
"Cut it out, Ann. Come on," Rosie says to me reaching her hand out to me. I immediately take her hand and warm shivers makes its way from her hand to mine and up into my face and ears. I didn't have to look in the mirror to see how red my face and ears are. There was no reason for me to shy away from this feeling anymore as I really want to embrace everything she makes me feel. The simmering of something just below the surface was beginning to be one of my favorite things to feel.
    Our hands stayed glued together even when we all settled down to watch the movie. I was seated in-between Zane and Rosie with a large fuzzy comforter draped across our laps. Our hands were warm and it was almost unbearable with the cover but the feeling of her finger rubbing the back of my hand made me forget about the the warmth.
    If I was to be questioned about the movie there wouldn't be any answers as I couldn't stop my mind from reeling. I am so elated with what is happening but at the same time I know there is a lot left unsaid that I cant just brush off. There wasn't much I could think of besides wanting to sort out what we are to each and what happened between us throughout the whole movie.
    *Click* And just like that the switch was off again...I wanted to live in that bubbly world a little while longer...
    So as soon as the movie credits rolled I leaned towards Rosies ear whispering, "Can I talk to you privately, Rosie?" I pull back and our eyes meet as she nods her head solemnly.
    Rosie turns from me saying, "Hey, Miles and I are gonna grab some ice cream. We'll bring some back, so don't follow us," before tugging me up with her from the the couch.
    "I'll be right back, Zane. Don't be too scared without me," I say jokingly as I try to alleviate some of the nerves I was starting to feel. Zane promptly rolls his eyes before sticking out his tongue and going to sit beside Anna.
    Rosie leads me out the door as Danny and Anna whistle behind us. A yelp sounds out before Danny starts complaining and I chuckle at their antics. Rosie leads me down the hallway away from the theater towards the backyard.
    The minute we step through the sliding glass doors, Rosie lets my hand go as she heads to sit on one of the wooden lawn chairs motioning me to follow suit. My hand clenches around air as a small piece of me wished she would've kept holding my hand. But, no, this needed me to have a clear head. A few seconds of silence ensues after I've taken a seat across from her before Rosie starts to talk.
    "You know, when I had first met the 'gang'," Rosie does finger quotations with an eye roll, "I had just came back from spending a year at my gramps. I had lost my best friend the year before and I just couldn't get myself together. I was torn to pieces as we had grown up here together right in this small town and I thought we would always be together.We were best friends and had come to be in a relationship after we reached middle school. He was the first one to introduce me to caregiving and that whole world as he had done some research. I thought nothing of it as he never discussed it with me after I told him I don't think I could ever regress. I never have. Either way, we broke up from this matter eventually."
    There was a girl who head befriended and I really paid it no mind since he said it was nothing more than friendship. We were fighting about how he never talked to me anymore and how he would spend time with his new friend instead of me. I had held it in for a while since I had full trust in him but it was more than I could stomach when we had only hung out once in the past two weeks. From us arguing, he shouted at me that he was in love with her. Hs words stopped everything for me as I had previously thought we were in love with each other.
    'We' weren't in love, I was in love.
    "I guess there were a lot of signs that I missed out on because I was completely blind-sided by his declaration of love for someone other than me. I had no words for him as I watch his chest heave violently and his face become blurred. So, since I couldn't come up with words I cried and screamed," Rosie says hoarsely before continuing, "I hit him as hard as I could while he stood there taking it saying he was sorry and how he was too scared to tell me. He said he tried to tell me subtly but he didn't want to hurt me. But he did. So, me being a 15 year old emotional girl, I told him I never wanted to speak to him again. I told him I hated him and that he never cared for me. I took everything he had ever given me and threw it at him and told him to go take a hike."
    Rosie laughs bitterly, "The vast vocabulary of a broken-hearted teenager. I hated him and some days I still feel that hatred that I felt those months. I mean we had spent our whole lives together at that point and he was too much of a coward to tell me he was leading me on. Years I had thought we were going to be together forever. And afterwards, I had found out that she was an age regressor and they had already had a relationship for months. I was the only that was stupid enough to believe his bright smile and the sweet words that he would always be with me. So, I fled this small town and cut him off with the help of my family. I enrolled in another school where my gramps is and I healed my mind, soul, and heart."
    "The reason, I wanted to tell you all of this is because I wanted you to know that I have a past that I would rather die than relive again. I was afraid to share this weakness with you as I wanted to appear as strong and secure to you as possible but I ended up hurting you as well as myself in the process. I had gotten into caregiving the more I researched about my best friends relationship. I see now that for some people its hard to live without it; its part of them and some people can do without. I'm someone of the latter, I guess. I love caregiving but I don't think it would be a deal breaker if my life long partner didn't even know how to regress or even knew what it was. It's something I can live without. But for, him, I guess it's apart of him."
    "I am not a perfect human being who is always strong but I want to be strong for you," her gaze finally is not distant but is on me as she continues saying, "I guess I have gotten used to locking away my hurt and insecurities away from prying eyes that I forgot how it is to like someone. And in order to want to test out the waters with someone, you have to be vulnerable and I felt vulnerable that day. You had hit the nail on the head that day, I was afraid of talking about my feelings with you and it was over something that didn't need to escalate like it did. For shouting, for saying those hurtful and unnecessary words towards you. They aren't true and weren't true. You have help me more than you can imagine, Miles. I am deeply sorry for that day and the following days after that. I saw how hurt you were and was to stubborn to approach you immediately. Well, you also proved to be able to disappear when you want to. Ultimately, I am so f*cking sorry, Miles."
    "My mind is reeling from all the information I just got but I know how hard it is to be vulnerable. I mean, this is me, we are talking about," I say with a soft chuckle, " There is never enough time to make yourself feel like enough. You're not perfect and there are so many imperfect things about you that make me so damn scared to lose you because those are the things that make me want more. I absolutely love everything about you, even the parts of you that many people may see as flaws; including yourself. You are so considerate that you tend to forget about yourself."
"There is no way that I want to disappear from your life without feeling like I am also disappearing from my own reality. I am sorry that you've felt the need to protect yourself from me due to past trauma. And I am sorry that you feel the need to apologize for it. There is never a need to apologize for trying to protect yourself, Rosie. You have seen the worst of me from out of my mind to a sobbing mess. But, I don't regret you seeing my that way, since I know I wont be able to show you something worse than that; hopefully."
    Wow...Did I just say those words? I guess going to therapy is working for me.
"And I was hurt...Rosie. I felt so lost that I let myself get lost in my mind again. Zane, thank God for Zane. I don't know where my mind would be right now, rather who I would be right now. However, none of it has to do with you."
"Oh, it definitely does! You wouldn't have ended up like that, Miles," Rosie pushes out as her eyes stare into mine with confusion and frustration.
Looking back into her eyes, I smile softly, "No, that's all me. I am probably going to keep having episodes like that for a while longer. I hope not forever but I know it is going to happen. It will happen again and again and again," and my gaze softens from seeing tears spring to Rosies eyes.
My face naturally turns to darkened sky as if drawn by a mysterious force and my eyes find the moon in all of it glory. "I am flawed and will never go back to the little boy I was b-before. I know this and have accepted that I will remain with this trauma etched into every fiber of my being. I want to get rid of something that will never disappear no matter how much I wish it would. Rosie," my face drops to meet hers as she sits with starlight tears trailing down her rounded cheeks and her rosy lip tugged in-between her teeth, "You've got to stop making my problems your fault. You hurt me, yes, but you will do it again and again and again. Humans tend to hurt each other willing or not. You are not responsible for everything. You blame yourself for things that can and will go wrong. I know you blame yourself for getting me sent to a psych ward but I actually am thankful. You blame yourself for your best friend which is why your trying so hard to be perfect for everyone, including yourself. I don't know the whole story but it wasn't your fault. People fall in love with the wrong people sometimes. A memory can turn into a bad dream so quickly that its almost comical. It's not your fault, you just need time to heal. We need time to heal."
There was a heavy silence as I finished my statement. My heart was heavy but my mind was surprisingly clear. I had come to a different conclusion than what I had originally cam here with...I wasn't meant to say that.
"W-what do you mean by that, Miles?" Confusion clouds Rosies face.
"I-I mean we need time to heal from our traumas and see each other in a new light that isn't cast in blue. I want to see you in starlight as a partner and a caregiver. I want to be able to," I pause as my gaze flicks down to her lips that were drawn down, "kiss you without being slaughtered by nightmares. To like you purely for you not just because you are able to manage my trauma. I want to look at you like I look at the moon. I like you so much that I am afraid. Afraid of what that means. Afraid you are going to leave, disappear, or die. What will I do when you die? I don't even want to begin to think about that. I want to heal for you and I want you to heal for you. I want to support you as you support me. You make me not hate Blue. You make me mourn younger me. I want so many things that I am afraid I will never be ready or worthy of your love. I want so many thing that I want to heal my mind so I can be there for you."
"Oh, Miles," Rosie says softly as she kneels in front of me, "I can't let you go now. You know that, right?"
"No," I say firmly as I shake my head with my eyes shut tight to get her face out of my head, "I can't be enough for you with the way I am right now. And you need me out of your life so that you can heal. I don't want cause you more hurt."
Warm hands slowly slide from either side of my cheeks to near my ears softly forcing me to stop shaking my head. There was silence as the warm hands slowly began to play with my ears and hair. My eyes parted slowly to find Rosie smiling knowingly up at me.
"You know, sweets, if I'm not mistaken, you are trying to confess to me."
"I was going to but after hearing your story it made me realize that we will hurt each other with the way we are."
"Yea, we will," she says as her hands continue to hold my face in a warm embrace.
"See, you know it too. So, I don't want to be the cause of your self hatred," I say forcefully as my eyes scans her face in an attempt to find my answer there.
"I don't hate myself but I do blame myself for things that aren't my fault. I know this but it is a flaw that I don't see myself getting rid of just yet. I, however, will gladly hurt over and over for you, Miles. There is nothing that will pull me away from you now after such a...confession. You like me, yes?"
Rosies shimmering orbs stare into mine with so many emotions that I shut my eyes against the thundering truth. My heart started to thunder in my chest so violently that I wanted to cry from the sheer pressure of it.
"Miles," Rosie coos my name with the most loving voice as her finger begin to stroke under my eyes, "look at me."
I shake my head softly, "I am...," unable to admit I was scared of the raw unadulterated emotions I saw swirling in her warm eyes.
"How about I close mine? How does that sound? On the count of two," she says softly.
One
Two
I slowly open my eyes to see her face close to mine, but her eyes were closed with her long lashes resting atop her cheeks.
My voice comes out of me without a second thought, "I like you, Rosie. I never thought I'd be able to like someone. But, I can't stop. I don't know what will. Happen if I fall in to these feelings."
"Good," Rosie says firmly, "Cause I like you too. I was afraid I was the only feeling this way. Now that I know I am not alone. I can't let you go, Miles. I'm ready to grow and heal with you by my side. I know it will be hard and I am scared. But I will have you by my side and I know it will all be better in the end. So, don't try to push me away before you've given us a chance."
"You can't leave me in the middle of it! You can't leave me even if you want to eventually; and you will want to," I say frowning.
"I don't think I will want to but if I do, I'll have you to pull me back in. Like I said, Miles," Rosie opens her eyes finally looking at me, "I'm not letting you go; not even when I have to take my last breath."
"You are mine," I say firmly as my heart and mind quiet down.
"I was yours the moment I saw you in the cafeteria. You are mine from this very moment."
"Okay," I mumble as I struggle with the urge to kiss her.
"You're looking at me like you want me to kiss you, sweets. Can I?"
My eyes dart from her lips to her eyes and back to her lips again before saying, "Please," softly.
"Thank God," she pushes out before bringing our face a whisper away from each other, "Close your eyes."
My eyes flutter shut as our lips touch each other softly in a feather strokes and pecks before it becomes not enough. I grab the back of Rosies head sinking my fingers into her soft brown locs drawing her lips fully to mine. The world fades as her pillowy lips slid against mine with ease and just enough pressure to not bruise our lips. In sync and in motion with soft colliding waves our lips move. Gripping her locs softly, I pull away and kiss the corners of her mouth before drawing her in again to feel her fully. I hear a soft groan from her and I slowly pull away leaving small pecks against her lips.
"Sorry," I say even though I am not fully sorry. My eyes meet her hazy eyes before my gaze drops to her now puffy reddened lips. I tear my gaze away before I get the urge to kiss her again.
"You'd better be sorry...that you haven't kissed me sooner."
I chuckle as she blushes and pushes my shoulder, "Good, cause I wasn't actually sorry."
Rosie throws her head back laughing, before resting her head in the crook of my neck. We talk a while longer outside before everyone comes to find us. They found Rosie seated between my bent legs with her her resting between where my shoulder and neck met and they instantly started teasing us. My arms remained around her with her hands clasped in mine until it was time to go to bed. And even then, Rosie remained in my mind covering my dreams in a yellow haze and a soft flowery scent.

Forever etched into my being. Forever.

~~~
Heavily unedited
Words: 4863