Blue's Healing (HIATUS)

꧁𝐶ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑡𝑒𝑟 18꧂

⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎
☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎
TW!!! Massive TW!!! This chapter has a lot of notions towards S*XUAL ABUSE, ABUSE, R*PE, And SU*C*DE. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED. YOU CAN SKIP THIS CHAPTER F YOU WANT, IT IS JUST MILES BACKSTORY
Continued... (I will tell you when to play the song)
☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎
⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎

I bolt up quickly make my way into the corner with my knees to my chest as I watch the door with wide eyes. What happened? Why is mom yelling? Is father still upset?
"He needs to learn to obey me when I say, 'Don't do something.' He was falling asleep Do you know who that was?! Of course, you wouldn't, Star! He is a Vaughan!!! If that boy said anything to him, I swear it'll be his last day in this house!"
As he finishes, my boor slams open making me flinch away yelling, "I din say notin!! I prwomise!!"
Mom rushes in-between father and me as he stalks towards me with a leather belt. I hide away in her shadow as she is yelling in an attempt to reason with him. A smacking sound rings through the room and mom falls to the ground clutching her cheek. I stand up quickly and rush at my father without thinking; I was too slapped aside. I nursed my cheek as father dragged mom by her hair out of the room. I thought that was the end of it and that he was going to be gone but he came back a few minutes later slamming and locking my door. I edged away from him as he stalked towards me but he caught up to me in the end.
That night was the night of many of my firsts. The first beating I ever had, the first time I was called a sissy to my face, the first time I was alone with my father for many hours, the first time mom never came when I called for help, the first time my father touched me inappropriately, the first time I was stripped of my innocence, and the first time I realized I was in more danger than my mom would ever be.
It was also a night of many of my lasts. it was the last time my father would touch me inappropriately, the last time mom wouldn't come to m when I called, the last time I was innocent, the last time I had any respect for my father, the last time I would speak to my mom, the last time I would wonder if my father could get any worse, the last time I would consider him my father, and it would be the end of a normal life for me. I knew what had been done to me that night wasn't normal and shouldn't have been done. I wasn't a stupid kid even if I was naive in the beginning; I knew that my father had crossed a line that should've never been crossed.
The next morning was gruesome. I couldn't move due to the abuse I had endured that night. I couldn't speak from the crying and muffled yelling I had done that night. I didn't know what to feel when all that I could remember was that night but it had only gotten worse. Father left the room in the early part of the morning and mom's footsteps thundered down the hallway a few minutes after.
I looked at her from the mattress and I cried the hardest I would ever cry in my life as I hoarsely said, "You left me," repeatedly.
I had used our secret knocks throughout the night and she would respond but she never came. I didn't understand why she didn't or couldn't come to me so I would hold some resentment towards her until I learned the truth years down the line.
  She picked my naked body up from the worn mattress and cradled me to her body as she sobbed and screamed. After a few minutes, she carried my body into the bathroom to let me soak away the filth and blood. I continued to cry until she carried me into the living room and curled up on the couch with me in her arms. I wanted so badly to yell and scream but I didn't have any energy to.
Mom tried to leave but she was a fragile woman who was suffering from the years of abuse from Arc. After that night, things grew progressively worse until the house was constantly filled with men and various women coming back and forth. Mom changed the locks to my room and she would lock me in the room until it was somewhat safe again. I never ate with my father again, never spoke to him unless I was spoken to first, but I was still required to greet him at the door. Arc had started to drown himself in alcohol and weed as his guilt ate away at him.
I hadn't been touched since that night and I was happy but it was short-lived. I never slept in my bed anymore; I slept in the crawl space afraid he would come in again. It all changed the day mom had lost the keys and told me that I couldn't make a noise in case someone came down the hall. She was sure no one would come down the hall but there were a lot of people in the house as usual so she wanted me to be extra careful. She came to check on me every hour on the hour; never missing a beat but today was especially rowdy and Arc wanted her to serve the guest. It was some type of holiday so there was loud music and a lot more people than there usually was.
I was sitting in a corner of the room looking at a book about the stars when a large man opened the door and walked in. My heart started thumping loudly in my chest as I was scared of almost all men now and it was one of Arc's friends that always tried to hug me.
"Oh, shoot. I'm sorry, little guy, I thought this was the bathroom. I didn't mean to startle you," the man said as his words were slurring letting me know that he was drunk.
   I stood up quickly as I noticed this, and started making my way to the closet. I need to get to the pocket knife mom gave me. I eyed him as I inched along the bare white walls to the closet doors.
I paused hearing him say, "We haven't seen you for a while. Here I was thinking you had been sent off somewhere. Your old man has been holding out on us. Why don't you, come to give me a hug, little guy? For old time sakes," as he inched closer and closer to me. I darted into the closet in a hurry to get the knife but he was too close and dragged me out of the closet by my ankles.
I clawed at the worn floorboards yelling, "Let me go!" as he held my body close to his smelly and weed-smelling chest.
I could see that my words were not getting through to him, as he said, "You smell good. Your old man has been hiding a gem from us. Why don't we have a little fun together? I'll pay your old man since he's always complaining about you being a burden to him. I think he would make a good sum from you."
My eyes widened at his words and I screamed and struggled even more against him. Why wasn't mom coming to check up on me now? When was she going to come?! I don't want this!!
My pleas fell upon deaf ears as no one came for the next hour and a half. I had fought until I had a black eye, bruised ribs, and bruised wrist. I stopped screaming after an hour and let the man have his way for the last half hour. Mom walked into the room as the man was fixing himself and she screamed at the sight. She hit the man a couple of times and ran to get Arc to make everyone go home.
I laid on the bed, yet again used and abused. Tears leaked down the sides of my face as I stared up at the ceiling wishing mom had come sooner. Arc came quickly with a gun in his hand with mom trailing behind him sobbing.
Harsh words and yelling were exchanged until the man said, "I helped him to be useful to you. You can make a pretty penny using that boy. Here's a two hundred for the...hour and a half you lent him to me."
The man had handed my father some cash and left-back out into the party leaving mom sobbing and Arc looking at the cash that was placed in his hand.
Arc burst out laughing shoving the money in his jeans, saying, "Clean him up and give him something to eat. He earned it," before walking back out into the party.
Days turned into weeks and one man turned into ten; only ever steadily increasing as the years went on. I had learned to obey Arc and keep my head down. I had let my hair grow long; I didn't want mom cutting my hair since it hid most of the scars and the marks from the many nights spent with well-known strangers. I was about eight years old when I noticed other kids were spreading rumors behind my back. I ignored it for the most part until a group of jocks, a couple of grades ahead of me, started to physically abuse me. There was nothing to it since I had been enduring abuse for years from bigger and strong people.
"Since you're not saying anything then it must be true," says a blonde kid that seemed to be the ring leader of the group.
I kept my head down as I walked down the sidewalk. It was the end of school and it was their usual routine to follow me until I got to the train tracks that I had to cross. Just ignore them, Blue. If you make trouble, Arc is gonna make you feel it even worse than their shoves and punches.
"Look at him not denying it. So you must be skilled to be doing it all these years. What is daddy not giving you enough money that you have to sell your body? Or is it that mommy can't do it so you have to do it? She must be pretty pathetic to even give bir-."
I interrupt his speech by sending a fist into his mouth and looking down at him as he holds his busted lip. I had to deal with my mother being talked about at home and I wasn't going to let some kids do it too.
"Speak about my mother like that again and you'll have a knife at your throat," I say through clenched teeth.
I had to use my pocket knife and the gun mom gave me a couple of times when people tried to touch her when Arc wasn't home. People still came and went even when Arc wasn't home but during the weekdays; Monday to Thursday, no one was allowed to rent me out. Sly touches, gropes, smacks, or kisses were allowed per Arc's rules.
I jet off as I knew I would be overpowered if his whole group got a hold of me. I also had a time I needed to be home every day. I had to be home before Arc got home and not after mom left for work but luckily she didn't work today. Steps thunder behind me as I run quickly to get across the train tracks. My chest heaves up and down as I hear their footsteps get closer to me. There were only a few more steps until the train tracks before my bookbag was yanked and I was thrown to the ground. My shoulder hits the ground hard causing me to scream out in pain. I had heard something crack but I couldn't register what it was before I was dragged by my book bag into the dense woods that resided alongside the train tracks.
"You're going to pay for that! You are pathetic, just like that mother of yours. Who lets their only child sell their body? She must like the money your body brings in," the blond kid taunts as his friends hold my arms down preventing me from struggling too much.
I kick my legs in an attempt to get free as I hurl insults and threats at them. No! Today is my rest day!
"I'll f*cking slit your throats!!!," I holler out before a dirty wok is shoved in my mouth.
  I gag at the stench while they tug down my pants and lifted my shirt. I struggle harder as tears begin to brew behind my eyes.
The dark-haired boy says, "Woah...," quietly as the group takes in my marred body.
  Arc never left any permanent marks saying he didn't want to mess up the merchandise permanently; only temporarily. I hated the thought of anyone seeing the mess Arc and his multiple clients left on my body. Bites, welts, bruises of various colors, hickeys, hand-shaped bruises, and different lacerations from the different preferences of Arcs clients. Looking up through the trees, I stop struggling as I remember my moms' words.
"Struggling only makes it worse. Take deep breathes, focus on your heart, and lungs. If it still beats and your lungs are still working then you can see it through; no matter how bad it hurts you."
The boys took their turns with me before they let my body hit the ground. As soon as my knees hit the moist earth, I screamed my heart out as I clutch at my hair. Banging my fist against the Earth, I cursed my mothers' words, myself, the world, and my heart. 
"You're a fucking bastard!! You said you wouldn't let it happen outside of that room. Your WEAK!! YOU LIED TO ME!! DIE! DIE! STOP BEATING IN MY CHEST!! GIVE UP ALREADY!! YOU CANT PROTECT ME! YOU CAN ONLY PROTECT YOURSELF!!," I sit with their essence leaking slowly out of me as I scream, cry and claw at the Earth.
They leave silently as I yell at their backs, "Your fathers probably come to see me every weekend too!! Your mothers aren't any better than mine!! You all should die along with the one who sells me, MY OWN FATHER. YOU THINK I WANNA HAVE DIRTY MEN TOUCHING ME?! I know I'm pathetic...I don't need the likes of you to tell me that.."
I sob as I drag my body off the dirt with new marks added to me. All of a sudden, I stop crying and smile welcoming the silence once again. I pull up my pants, fix my shirt, collect my book bag, and walk across the train tracks to head home. I look at the sky and notice the sun is going down letting me know that Arc is home already. Ahh, I want to take a shower.
I carry my book bag on one shoulder as my other arm and shoulder couldn't be lifted past my rib cage. It was either dislocated or fractured from the fall that I took. I limp along as I also discovered I had a twisted ankle that only prolonged my journey home. I heard yelling as I made my way up to the black door of the house. Take deep—F*ck deep breathes.
I shove open the door stepping in quickly and slamming the door as to not let yelling leak out into the night. I see my mom nursing her cheek on the floor and Arc standing above her about to hit her again. I rush over, forgetting about my shoulder and ankle, and shove him away from her.
I look down at her quickly before saying to Arc, "You said you wouldn't hit her!"
I turn to look at him but I'm blinded by a fist flying at my face and I'm sent flying to the floor for the second time that day. Mom yells getting up quickly from the ground to stand in between him and me. I groan in pain but pick myself up quickly and head into my room. I slam the door before heading for the crawl space that I hadn't touched since I could no longer fit in it. I quickly grabbed the revolver and left-back out of the room heading for Arc.
I don't know what took over me but that night something snapped inside of me; within the next five minutes Arc would be on the ground with a bullet wound in his chest and I would be standing over him repeatedly stabbing him with the pocket knife while mom sat watching clutching her head.
After 10 minutes, mom says, "He's gone now, Blue. There is nothing more you can do; even if you may want to go on for eternity. Where he is going he'll suffer a worse fate. Come here and help me up. I want to show you something before we call the authorities."
I stare down into his lifeless eyes and see the same unwavering hatred residing in his eyes. I turn away after throwing down the knife and help mom up off the floor. No more words were spoken between us as we left the house with the door wide open behind us. We get in the small grey car and head down the street. I hadn't been able to leave the house except to go to school since Arc was always scared I was going to tell someone but it was pointless since I would never leave mom behind.
.....Play the song here....
The lights at night twinkled as mom raced down the street as if time was running out. We make it to a small beach and she drags me out of the car with a small smile on her face; I smile back at her for the first time in years. Why were we here? I look down at our clasped hands before turning my attention to the glistening sand that shone under the gentle moonlight.
"Take off your shoes and socks, Blue. You must feel the sand beneath your bare feet. It'll be your first time coming here with me. But it won't be your last time seeing the sand yourself. It'll be chilly but this is just the right time," she says softly as she discards her slippers along with her robe to reveal a light flower dress.
I copy her until both of my feet hit the cool sand and the sand starts to creep between my toes as we walk closer to the lake. I stayed quiet, not sure why mom was showing me this but I didn't hate it.
"You know, Blue, I grew up gazing at sea that sat just outside of my house. I never told you but I came from a very wealthy family in a place far from here. I threw it all away for your father...Foolish people live foolish lives...Out of everything I've done in my life, you are the one thing that I'm proud of," she says sitting close enough to the edge of the water that it brushes her feet.
I sit next to her with my legs crossed, saying, "I wouldn't have exchanged a life of ease for me. No matter the things I encountered. I would exchange it instantly," as I gaze out at the lake with wonder.
She ruffles my hair, saying, "Yea, I've made life for you miserable. But I have long lost the ability to see past myself; Arc made sure of that. I used to believe I could protect you, but I see now that you are stronger than I am. That is why your name is Blue. It reminded me of what I left behind, what I love the most, what I regret, and what I fear. The sea back home was so blue, you would think it was dyed. So clear but dangerous. We couldn't swim in it except for a couple of months out of the year. The sky over it seemed to reflect the sea itself. So I told myself I would name any child I had Blue, to remind myself of it. It was a mistake...It only prolonged my suffering and it seemed to have brought you misfortune."
We fall into silence as we listen to the waves crash onto one another. I stare at her until she catches me and smiles at me with a ruffle to my hair.
"I think it is time to rest now...The moon is out to gaze upon the poor soul who missed the hours of the sun...He is waiting to see me off...Blue, you will have to most prosperous life after all of this. Your will to live may be weak but you must live for the both of us. You must grow strong enough to protect yourself. Succeed at what I failed to do. Find a partner to nurse your wounds, keep away the shadows, turn your tears to pearls, and protect yourself...I want you to close your eyes for me, my sky."
Alarmed, I look at her with worry, as she continues to say, "Don't fear, I'll be with you. If it makes you feel better look up towards the sky but don't take your eyes off of it," as she tilts my head towards the sky.
"I'm giving you a gift that you may open after everything is settled. We both will reside in the sky; I'll live in you forever. I'll see you in your dreams, in the moon, sky, sea, the color, and the stars. The world needs your heart here, so stay right here and I'll stay with you. Remember be strong, love, and I love you."
Tears fall down my cheeks, as I stare up to the sky clutching the small wooden box that she placed in my hands 15 minutes ago. I knew there was nothing I could do to stop her from joining the stars and sky so I laid on the sand for a long time. Someone, eventually came down to see if the the body on the beach was still alive but even when they tried to get my attention I couldn't respond.
I didn't move an inch from my spot as the person clutched me to their chest as they called the police. I continued to gaze at the sky hoping to see her one last time and I wasn't ready to face the truth. I don't remember who helped me that day at the beach nor do I remember getting in the cops' car.
The only thing that rung through my mind that night until Grammy came to get me was, "The stars and moon shone their brightest that night, even through all of the Chicago smog."
My soul had still been staring at the sky up until recently. I was finally able to look away and gaze into the sea that mom had become a part of. I was able to walk back to the house that bound me for the past 18 years, past the looming figure of Arc's body, down the dingy hallways, and into the room filled with shadows. The shadows clutched at me as I gathered my battered body from the essence-soaked mattress. I walked out of that shabby dark house that melted into the background of the sky without a look back.
   I closed my eyes saying, "I'll meet you in my dreams, just wait for me."
⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎
☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎☟︎
𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝙲𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝: 𝟺𝟶𝟶𝟼
☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎☝︎︎
⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎