All yours // Billy Hargrove

\\ Chapterr 21 // Billy //

Billys pov :

"Don't go anywhere"

Eris whispered, pressing a kiss into my forehead before dashing off me, slinging on my old t-shirt mindlessly.

Obviously she looked perfect in it. Better than I did. It suited her and she just looked incredible. Her hair in a messy mop, her cheeks bright red as she fluttered out the door.

Fucking hell did she know what she was doing though. Jesus Christ. Usually it's just a quick fuck and the girls lay there like a starfish. But not with her wanted to please her. which i never do. I wanted it to be all about her. i didn't want to fuck her. But no she made it about me too. and fucking hell was she good. fucking astonishing. The kisses were enough, they still burned through me. Christ.

And  now I'm all alone. Half naked not really sure what to do with myself.

As i lay there, my mind wandered back to the forest, her sobs cracking through the air as they leaked into my chest. All I wanted to do was take it all away. To just hold her and absorb every ounce of pain,  sadness, trauma, grief. Anything that had ever hurt, i just wanted to take it all away. 

How could something so terrible, so hurtful, happen to somebody so perfectly wonderful?

I can't wrap my mind around it.

Like walking stupid max to the Wheelers house . Not expecting anything, just doing it because it was a nice thing to do. The wheelers house was halfway across town, but she obviously didn't care.Like who fucking does that. seriously? 

She is too good. Too kind.

And there's me. A selfish, fucked alcoholic. Completely screwed in the head. Hurting everybody around me constantly.

Everybody always say ' like father like son'. And in many ways that's true. That's fucking abominably true. 

But how could he hurt my mum, the woman he fucking loved, hurt her the way he did, not even just physically, but mentally. The irreversible damage he did? The idea of hurting Eris. Eris Love. Made my skin crawl, made my stomach churn with a deep rotting sickness. 

But it was inevitable. I'm a complete fuck up and i can't do that to her. Not ever. Not in any way.

 i can't.

I didn't realise i had left. But i had. once again engulfed in the loud silence of the forest. 

This needed to end. it needs to because I'm falling. falling fucking hard. But I cannot. I shouldn't. and i can't let myself. Because there is now a way in this fucking universe that i can harm her. And by allowing myself to fall, it would be selfish and i just can't. It was beyond selfish of me to go back to her, to kiss her, to allow myself to feel something. For fucks sake

When i got the car, my chest was heaving. I felt terrible, blood curdling terrible.

But its the right thing, it has to be.

"Good night?"

i sighed politely as Max slammed the door shut. 

"Yes it was fine. Where's your shirt?"

She stated roboticaly as i cranked up the stereo,

"i spilled something on it."

Max rolled her eyes as we began driving down the dark road.

"So...it was nice of Eris...walking me."

"Yes, very kind of her."

i cringed, the guilt still bubbling through me,