Memory Lane

Chapter 30. Damaged Goods

Desiree

It had been hours since Gemma's passing and I was still having trouble processing it. The clubhouse was solemn and everyone seemed too stunned to function. Gemma was a rock in our community and now she was gone and no one had the answers as to why. Jax had locked himself in church and hadn't come out since. The only time he actually acknowledged anything was when Tara came back from the hospital to confirm Gemma's death. Most had scattered around to express their grief in private, and others were trying their best to put on their brave face.

The only person who was actually talking about planning Gemma's funeral was Chucky, but I could tell that her death pained him so much. Even though Gemma treated him like an errand boy, Chucky loved that she wanted him to do anything. He loved having a family and feeling important, and now with Gemma gone, I could tell that he was struggling to keep strong. I was trying my best to be attentive and listen to him, but I was struggling with my own grief.

Gemma was like a mother to me, scratch that, she was my mother. Whether married to Jax or not, I never felt disconnected from her. I keep replaying last night in my head, trying to capture anything that might have set her off. A part of me felt responsible somehow, I mean I was so focused on leaving that I didn't even bother to check how things were with her. Gemma never mentioned any health issues, she never would cause anyone to worry, but I should have seen something! She was probably suffering silently just for the sake of keeping everyone together.

And her poor grandson hadn't gone back to sleep. Abel had been glued to my side since last night. Every time he'd try to doze off, he would have a nightmare that would startle him awake. I don't blame him, seeing someone die in front of you is traumatic, especially for a five-year-old. I tried to send him off to his mother when she arrived, but Abel downright refused. He was hanging on to me for dear life in a bone-crushing hug and he started to shake when I would even suggest it.

The fear in his eyes was like that of a child who had seen something he shouldn't. I honestly didn't know what to think of it, because he hadn't disclosed to me anything about last night. He barely said a word and would only nod or shake his head in response.

I didn't want to be mean but I needed to separate myself from him. My heart was aching and I just needed a minute to refresh myself in order to keep going. Gemma would have wanted me to be strong right now. She would instruct me to put on a brave face to keep everyone going, but the truth is I'm not Gemma. Sometimes, I feel too much and it eats at me until I'm ready to be devoured. I can only carry the weight of a room for so long, until I can't do it anymore. This is one of those times. Gemma burdened herself with taking care of so many people, but in the end, there was no one to take care of her.

I was starting to get restless and eventually made up an excuse to go to the bathroom. Chucky offered Abel some milk and cookies to distract him and I scurried off before he could protest. I glanced over at the double doors that contained Jax on the other side and decided that I had enough. I marched right on in, but to my horror, I walked in on him and Tara arguing. I had walked in mid-argument when Tara had said, "Jax, this is no place for my boys!"

As soon as she said it, all I could see was red. I knew that Tara and Gemma didn't get along, but Gemma's body hadn't even turned cold and she was ready to race out of Charming. "You're leaving?"

"Des," Jax began with a strained voice.

"Shut up, let her answer the damn question," my heart was pulsing and tears were clouding my vision. Not because I'd miss her, but because so much emotion was held in that it was starting to seep out of my pores.

"That's none of your business."

"Oh, that's none of my business? Gemma's body is lying in a morgue! She hasn't even been buried yet and you're racing out of Charming because you are an opportunist! Your husband's mother just died and instead of coming in here to comfort him, to help him, you come in here to plan your escape."

"An opportunist? No, sweetheart, I'm a mother who is doing what is best for her children, but you see you wouldn't know anything about that since you don't have any."

Her words cut deep into my soul and I could feel my pulse quickening. Flashbacks of Abel rejecting Tara started to play in my head, maybe I was going crazy. Maybe my grief was starting to shift my reality, but something was starting to make sense to me. "Is that why your son can't even look at you? Because you're such a good mother?"

I could see her gearing up to lunge at me but Jax jumped in between us. "Enough! I don't need this sh** right now! We are still on lockdown until I say so!"

"No, we are not!" I yelled back at Jax.

"Pope's guys-"

"Screw Pope's guys! I don't care anymore! Gemma's dead, she's gone and she's not coming back! I'm not going to let some gangster scare me into not giving her a proper burial. I will not let her body decompose in some ice box! If you want to stay here cooped up like a bunch of animals, be my guest, but I will not live in fear over a decision I made to protect the club!"

I stormed out of the room and I could see a sea of eyes looking at all the commotion I had caused. But I was on a mission and I no longer cared about what happened to me. "And where do you think you're going?!" Jax called after me.

"Out! I'm getting out of this club that you've managed to make a prison! This isn't keeping me safe this is stalling, and I'm not going to hide and crawl into some hole to please you. A son doesn't get backed into a corner!" By now tears were rolling down my face, Jax matched my sentiment and I could feel the steam rolling off of me. "What happened to you, Jax? When did you become such a coward?

"She was my mother!" Jax yelled back as he flung a chair at the wall. Tara yelped at his display of such raw emotion but considering that he was finally feeling the gravity of the situation, I was relieved. Jax began to shake tables and lash out until he couldn't anymore. He eventually fell to his knees in front of me and I could hear sobs escape his lips.

I kneeled down to meet his level and cupped his cheek to bring his face up to meet mine. He was exasperated but overall he seemed defeated. "How do I come back from this?" his words were quiet but I could hear him perfectly. "The damage to my club and my family."

"We keep going, that's what we do, it's what we've always done." Jax looked at me for a second but his face was expressionless. "That's the part that hurts about all of this, after everything she did, all the lies and the damage. I still love her, she was my mom, and no matter how much I didn't want her to meddle and intervene, she was always there moving forward with us. She was my mom," the last part seemed to settle him back into his grief and I pulled him close to me as he began to sob again. His cries pierced my ears and it was difficult for me not to join him. But in the distance standing upright, was Tara, she almost looked guilty, maybe even angry at the sight.

Our stares never broke as she watched me comfort her husband. Allowing whatever remains of her life as Jax Teller's old lady to seep into the darkness. But I couldn't shake the feeling I had when I looked at her, it was heavy and dark, and I didn't know how to describe it. But all I knew was that something wasn't right about her. Maybe it was a hunch, maybe my previous feelings toward her were crowding my judgment, but one thing was for sure, Tara was running from something and I wasn't so sure that it was only about Charming.