- cinira 'nyiah' brooks // (16)
- june 25th 2022 | hellboy - lil peep
it was a bad day to take a walk today.
it's raining hard as hell. i hate it.
i think people who like the rain, stupid 'cause what you like rain for? it's just wet, cold, and after it's done being itself and raining, it make everything all humid and nasty.
the only reason i'm not at home is 'cause i think i'm in one of my moods today. i don't like my daddy seeing me all crazy and shit, so i left.
now i'm sitting on some random person porch as i hold my phone in my palm, my fingers gripped against the sides.
my eyes don't look up from my screen as i tap through aaliyah's instagram story. i don't care too much about what she posting. i'm just looking for anything that might let me know she's thinking about me.
i've been thinking about her for days.
i for real think about that stupid ass girl all the time. but let me shut up real quick 'cause i didn't mean to refer to her as 'stupid'. she'd just be so stupid if she were to piss me off.
i came to the conclusion that i'm not just like anybody.
when i get mad, i don't think it's similar to how other people get mad.
some people punch walls, or drink, or try and take deep breathes but i don't do that. i make people hurt.
if we being honest though, i ain't never really make nobody hurt the way i've made aaliyah hurt.
she the only person i pushed down a flight of stairs, the only person i drugged, the only person i let elevator doors slam on they fingers, and the only person i tried to kill by pushing them in front of a semi-truck.
none of that shit was my fault though, all that shit was deserved.
i wouldn't have to be so violent if she didn't make me be so violent. she does things that get to me and because she does them, i have to act on how those things make me feel.
it's simple, but it doesn't make me a bad person 'cause people act on their emotions all the time. everyone acts on emotions.
i frown a bit, pressing my thumb against the screen to make aaliyah's story pause.
i let my thumb up and the video resumes. aaliyah mouths some words to a song playing in the background as her head rests against her headboard. laying right next to her is lila. i mean.. i think that's lila.
the video only shows some girl with brown locs for a second and lila the only one with brown locs.
if it's not lila, who is it? some stupid, random ass hoe?
aaliyah laying up with some random hoe ain't too hard to believe. she probably the type to sleep around anyway.
as i keep thinking on the thought that aaliyah sleeps around, i get mad as hell, but that mad feeling immediately turns into a sad one 'cause i thought she liked me.
i for real thought aaliyah and me was finna be friends, but now she just up here posting videos with other people? i thought i was finally getting somewhere. i thought we were getting somewhere.
when she hugged me at her house it felt good, and i can honestly say that i wouldn't mind another hug from her.
i would never lay my hands on her ever again if it meant she'd just like me, but i don't know why i want her to like me!
i don't know why i'm wanting her to hug me, and call me, and pay attention to me, and talk to me, and hold me when chris stupid ass make me upset.
i don't know why i want her, specifically her, literally nobody else, to just wanna be around me. i'd do anything for her to wanna be around me. i feel that strongly about her. i don't know what this feeling is though. i just like her.
