𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐨𝐮𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞

6

dylan hayes

Elliot dropped me home a few hours ago. I've taken Poppy out for another walk and ordered takeout to eat tonight.

For some reason I can't get his words out of my head. I mean, he's right about everything. I do need to start taking care of myself.

Sometimes I stop and question if she'd be happy with the way I turned out. She would definitely murder me if she saw how badly I've been taking care of myself, how I've been isolating myself and failing to move on from her but I can't help it. It's as if I'm still stuck in the moment my whole life came crashing down. I've done the bare minimum to fix the damage and instead lived with it, avoiding the ruins of my past as they lay there waiting for me to do something, anything to acknowledge them.

I wake every morning with a cloud of guilt hanging above my head, shaming me as I go about my life, taunting me every time I think.

Why didn't you save her?

How didn't you know or see it coming?

If only you were there that night, you could've stopped her.

But I didn't stop her, I didn't even know it was going to happen and now she's gone. I've thought about joining her a lot but she would beat my ass if I died of anything other than old age or something cool like getting murdered.

We talked about all the things we would do once we left high school, all the places we would go and all the people that we'd meet. And now I've left and all I can think about is all the things we never got to do and all the words I never go to say.

Maybe if I said them she would still be here.

I stare at my phone, watching as the clock strikes midnight.

"Happy birthday Daisy." I whisper, shutting my eyes as a tear runs down my face.

☼

I stare at her grave and the bouquet of daisies that I placed next to it.

"I wish you were still here. I miss you, a lot. I hope wherever you are that you're happy and celebrating your birthday with a bunch of hot angels or whatever girls they have up there. I got a new puppy a few months ago, her name is Poppy after the flower of course. I'm not alone anymore." I take a shaky breath.

"I met a guy the other day, he was at our beach spot. His name is Elliot and you would totally love him. I don't know him very well but he makes me feel good. He's got his life together and has this amazing outlook on the world and my God his voice is so nice; I could listen to him talk all day."

"I uh, went to the hospital yesterday, I fainted. I hated it there, it reminded me of the day you left. The white walls, the doctors, the smell, all of it. My doctor ended up being Elliots brother actually and he said I needed to start taking care of myself and because I know that you'd find a way to fucking haunt me if I didn't start to, I'm going to try my best."

Raising a shaky hand I wipe my teary eyes.

"It's really scary growing up without you and I hate waking up everyday knowing that I'll never get to hear your laugh again. You have always been the only person I ever needed and you've always been there for me. I wish I could get back all the times we had together Daisy. I wish I could relieve them and feel the way we did back then."

I pause again in an attempt to compose myself.

"I feel really alone without you and I don't know how to make it better."

"I love you, so fucking much okay? I'll be back in a just over a week to give you new flowers."

With one last sigh, I stand up on weak legs and make my way out of the yard, wiping my tears. It never gets any easier, talking to your dead best-friend even after years.