Eli Borrelli

27: No going back

"Nah, they drugtest me whenever they think I might be high," I said with a groan falling back onto the small couch.

I was really missing weed, and the occasional opioid, oh and alcohol would've been just amazing.

"That's good tho. Means they care, but I know you well enough to say that you need an emergency stash," Diego said with a smirk towards the end.

"Oh? And why is that?" I challenged leaning against one of the tables.

Diego just shrugged, before turning back to his painting.

"I don't really know but Carlos said that you needed to have an emergency stash to stay alive," he said casually before turning back to his work.

I knew exactly what Carlos had meant. He knew that when the intrusive thoughts or the overall self-destructive cravings got too loud, they needed to be stopped. He also knew that the only way I could do that without hurting myself was drugs. He never liked it, but he came to terms with it after he tried to cut me off.

"Thank you," I said hugging Diego from behind so that my chin was on his shoulder.

Lorenzo POV.

I started crying as soon, as Eli left the room. I had listened to the songs countless times. You couldn't turn on the radio anymore without hearing one of their songs, but the lyrics were always just something I didn't think about. Now, I was reading the lyrics written by my little sibling about them wanting to kill themselves.

The next song wasn't any better. It was about a single moment, describing how blood was flowing down their arm, and how they turned their arm to redirect its course leaving behind red lines like a map on their arm. It was absolutely terrifying to read knowing that that was someone you cared about.

After I switched with Antonio it didn't get much better.

His first song was about some man described as a shadow that penetrated their dreams and echoed through their memories leaving mental scars wherever he went.

The second one was about walking down a hallway to their inevitable death listening to screams that you couldn't do anything about knowing full well what was happening. The song ended with them walking down a flower field towards a sunset describing how at peace they felt and how everything felt good for once.

Next to the last verse was written one word, which made the beautiful part of the song the saddest part.

":( Death  <3"

Eli POV.

After about an hour of just talking with Diego like we had never been apart, I decided it had been long enough and I had to go do damage control with the boys.

I took my sweet time walking towards the living room where I left my brothers shocked at what I was doing. When I walked in all shock was wiped off their faces and replaced with horror, tears, sadness, and deep thought.

Alessandro was the only one to notice me as I walked in so I carefully cleared my throat to get the other boys' attention.

"So... have you read over the... the things?" I asked suddenly feeling like my mouth was dryer than the Sahara desert.

After a few uncomfortable seconds, Alessandro got up from his seat making me flinch subconsciously. He quickly walked over to me and pulled me into the tightest embrace I had ever been a part of. I seriously thought my ones were going to crack.