MASON AND SAGE

Chapter 12 ~ Sage

"Mason," I said softly, helplessly, not knowing what to say in the face of such misery and pain.

He told me how he had investigated what had happened in the alley that night after he left her, how Eva had wanted to break us up because she's an evil bitch, how she had misused her boss's credentials at the CIA to order the paternity test to be falsified, claiming it was a matter of national security. He also described the confrontation with her, her boss, Nate and him in her boss's office -- and that she was going to jail for many years for a number of crimes.

"That was the easy part," he said to me, and his eyes were so lost I wanted to cry. "The other thing I wanted to tell you was I get it. I understand, Sage. I tried for seven months after I fucked up to prove my love to you, to prove I regretted my actions in the alley that night and to prove you were the only one for me. In my mind, it was a ten-second mistake, definitely a betrayal of you, of your trust, of our relationship, but a mistake that I regretted with every part of me, down to my soul, a mistake I would do anything to take back. And since I obviously couldn't take it back, I wanted to show you, reassure you, that even though I fucked up so badly, that you were it for me. That you were and are the love of my life, the whole fucking reason I exist."

Taking a step closer to me, he stared into my eyes. "I was hoping that months and months of my devotion before and after that alley scene could erase it from your mind, help you to see that nothing like that would ever happen again, to show you that all of our time together, all of the moments and memories we had together, were bigger than my mistake. We had ten months together. That's about twenty-six million seconds. The alley kiss was ten seconds. I made the colossal mistake of thinking it was only ten seconds out of all the seconds we shared. How could ten seconds of wrong possibly wipe out twenty-six million seconds of amazing, wonderful, incredible perfection?"

His hand reached out to stroke my cheek.

"Then Eva's lies about the baby, the falsified paternity results -- you immediately assumed I was lying because all I could give you was my word that I wasn't the father. You didn't believe in me because I'd given you a reason to no longer trust my word. Ten seconds wiped out everything you trusted in me because I kissed another woman in an alley and ruined everything between us. Twenty-six million seconds, Sage, and I killed everything good between us in ten fucking seconds."

For a moment he drew in deep breaths, as if he was gathering his courage, then he focused back on me. 

"I also realized those ten seconds are all you're ever going to see when you look at me; it's always going to be a dark shadow in some corner of your mind, whether it's today, tomorrow or years from now. You're always going to think the worst of me in some corner of your mind, you're going to doubt my devotion to you, to expect another betrayal from me at some point. And that falls squarely on my shoulders."

Both of his hands came up to frame my face, and he looked me in the eyes, so much sorrow and pain in his that I felt like I was looking into the depths of hell.

"I don't want to keep hurting you, Sage. The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you, and that's all I've been doing by being present in your life, by forcing myself into your life since that fucking night with my texts and calls and flowers and food deliveries and letters. It kills me to keep hurting you, to be a constant reminder of the day I betrayed you. So my Sage, my kitten, I'm letting you go so that you can find someone you can trust and love, someone who is not going to be a constant reminder of the ten second fuck up that ruined everything beautiful between us. The very last thing I want to do is to keep causing you pain. I don't want you with a man you cannot trust. I don't want you battling fears and demons and doubts just so I can be selfish and keep you in my life. My need to not hurt you has to be greater than my need to keep you with me, or what kind of love is that?"

He choked and it sounded like a sob escaped from his throat. "I'd keep fighting for you forever if it were up to me, but I'm causing you too much pain and I don't want to be selfish. I can't keep being selfish, Sage. I don't want you with a man whose devotion and loyalty you question. I want...I want you to find a man who you can believe in one hundred percent, who will never make a mistake like I did. I want someone for you who you never have a reason to doubt. I love you so fucking much, Sage, so much, but I'd rather be the one living with the broken heart than you. I'm not willing to keep hurting you by trying to force your forgiveness. I just want you to know, one last time, how sorry I am for hurting you, and that I wish you a beautiful future with a man who is your everything, who never gives you a reason to doubt his devotion."

He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. "If you ever need anything, I will be there in a heartbeat and I'll get it for you, do whatever you need. I'll never change my number in case you ever need me tomorrow or thirty years from now."

He pressed a kiss to my lips and then pulled me to his chest, inhaling so deeply I'd swear he was trying to absorb my very essence into his soul. 

"I love you so much, kitten. I loved you yesterday. I love you today. I'll love you for all my tomorrows," his words were so choked with tears I could barely understand him. "Please be happy, Sage. You deserve it. You deserve all the happiness that life has to offer and I want that for you more than anything."

Mason looked down at me, and I could see the tears in his eyes. My Marine had tears streaming down his face as he turned, walked away from me and went out my front door.

For the last time.

For good.

Mason had just ended our story.

The end.