Treading The Waters [on hold]

Chapter Twenty-Seven

I barely slept last night. All I could do was stare up at the fan and watch it go in circles. It's how my life has been, unfortunately. Things are fine, then shit blows up. And then it comes back around to good, and shit goes and hits the fan again.

In all honesty, I didn't want to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw the look in hers when she was breaking. When her hands met my chest in her fit of disappointing anger, nausea flooded through me.

When this happened after graduation, I felt like an ass. I had never felt like I did that day. I felt justified in my actions, for the most part, given the lack of communication.

But never—ever—have I felt the way I did last night when each fist that hit me was a visual representation of her heart breaking because of my words.

I heard my sister mention a trip and instead of just asking her, I blew it out of proportion and made her lose her trust in me all over again.

Things got out of hand, and it's going to take a lot more than an 'I'm sorry' to fix this one.

I've been fortunate enough to have some time to clear my head while I've been prepping today. All the food I could fix early is done, with only a few things that need to be completed before the rehearsal dinner.

What surprises me is that I see my sister storming into my office when she's supposed to be making final touches to the backyard turned wedding venue before coming back here to check and make sure the tables are set like she wants.

"What is wrong with you?" She rages as she slams the door shut.

"What are you talking about?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. My best friend was the happiest I've ever seen her yesterday, and today, she's a shell of a person who's putting her pain on the backburner to be happy for me. So, again, what is wrong with you?"

"So many things," I admit. Going through this for a second time has made me reflect on my actions. And I know that we both still have a lot of growing to do, but I'm starting to think I'm the one that's refusing to change. It's easier to stay the way I've always been. It's safer.

But at the same time, I want her. I want her more than I ever did when I was in high school. What we have... it's more than attraction or a simple connection. Our.... love—yes, love—is the epitome of confusing.

Neither of us know why we were pulled together. In high school, when she walked into the gym in that perfectly fitted lilac dress, I couldn't take my eyes off her. Of all the girls in the school, my eyes found her, no one else.

And although she left, my love for her never wavered. I tried to drown it with girls and alcohol, tried to drown it through work. I tried to beat it out of me, and if I could have, I would have ripped my own heart out of my chest.

But above it all... above the fight, the distance, the longing and uncertainty for the future... we found our way back to each other. Not that it's been easy, but it made me realize how much I love her and how empty I was without her in my life.