Treading The Waters [on hold]

Chapter Thirteen

I'm still reeling over what happened on my run the other day. The emotions that it made me feel have only festered over the last few days.

Guilt, for making the decision I did and hurting him in the process. Indignation, for Jensen making me feel guilty about going to the college that we had originally planned on together. Sadness, for feeling responsible for part of his struggles in life.

And although I shouldn't feel it, I feel entitled to.

Rage. For him thinking I could be his verbal punching bag. For making me feel shitty for moving on. But most of all, for thinking that my decision had nothing to do with him.

While my decision was affected by my life, he was a big part in why I made it.

I've wanted to be a songwriter for as long as I can remember. I always knew that someday I would be, whether I found success in it or not. I didn't expect to fall for Jensen, and I certainly didn't expect for him to lose the two most important people in his life not long after I sent in applications.

We were supposed to graduate and go to Berkeley together. That was always the plan. So, when I applied, I assumed he'd be going with me—I didn't see a problem with it.

Then the accident happened and both his world and mine were turned upside down—more so his. He had to grieve while also assuming care of Lorraine, Jax, and Lyla. He had to take over a business and become a guardian, none of which an eighteen-year-old high school student should ever have to do.

After they died, I couldn't bring myself to tell him about the applications. I knew that given the circumstances, he wouldn't be able to leave for a long time because Lyla was only ten when it happened, meaning he would be here at least until she graduated.

I couldn't bring myself to tell him that if I got an offer, I'd be taking it. I know that not telling him at that time wasn't the right thing to do. But when is the right time to tell someone who just experienced a major loss that you're leaving too?

I never expected him to be as cold as he was about it. He was always polite, listened when anyone talked, and thought about what he said to people. That's not the Jensen I got when I told him about my offer.

I wanted him to stay with me. Long distance is hard, but I didn't think he'd be opposed to trying—that is if he'd ever let me get the damn sentence out. He was so betrayed by the news that he wouldn't hear me out any further.

He thought that my leaving meant that I was leaving him, but that's so far from the truth. My family—especially my father—expected me to follow in his footsteps. It didn't help that my brother was already on that path, but he wanted me to do it, too.

Getting out of here may have hurt Jensen but staying here would have only hurt me because I would have been forced into a life I didn't want. Jensen and I talked about everything, but I didn't want to complain about my rocky relationship with my parents when he had just lost his. It felt...selfish, which is why I never said anything.