Queen of the South - My Season 6: Full Circle

Chapter 3, Mosaic

James had gotten behind the wheel of Kelly Anne's car and driven out of town without even noticing. He was on the country road that led east towards the sea and towards the house.

Why was he upset exactly? The thought kept coming in his mind because he had no clear answer. He knew he was disappointed with Teresa for having made a decision she knew he would be against, so the question was why would she do that? Maybe he was not flexible enough and maybe Pote was right that he was overly protective. James knew that being a partner was difficult, exactly because of situations like this one, where the stakes were high, but the other person did not perceive the risk to be the same. If you tried to protect them too much, you would be wrong, if you didn't and something bad happened, you'd be even more wrong! He knew he was stumbling, maybe Teresa was too...or she was just the same stubborn brat and he simply had always been too accommodating, too forgiving. But his other half kept nagging that they had two boys to think of when making decisions and that Teresa should know this.

He squinted his eyes, then rubbed them with one hand and took a sip from the coffee. It was already less than warm but was sweet enough and taking a sip interrupted his rambling thoughts for a second. His mind usually didn't wander, he wouldn't let it because he had always been clear what he wanted, what the right course of action was. But now, everything seemed less clear.

How could he not be accommodating? All he had ever wanted was for her to be safe and happy and he had known that he would be happy too when she was, by extension. He felt they belonged together and for him it was a lot as he had never felt he belonged with anyone or with anything before. Definitely not with his family: his Mexican abusive father and his American mother, crazy for tequila and mariachi, definitely not with the Vargas cartel despite his close relationship with Camila in the four years he had worked for her before Teresa had showed up and had made him question everything, not even now with the guys from the surf club. If he had to be honest, he had felt a connection with the soldiers in his sniper platoon, so unlike the men he had worked with under Finch, where he had hated everyone and everything and it had taken him all his internal strength to keep his emotions suppressed.

James didn't like the violence that had accompanied him all his life, but he did love the cool serenity of the moment when he was preparing to take a shot, him and his sniper gun, alone and focused, the slowing down of the brain, the heart and the breath when he would become one with his weapon, so opposite to the hyped tension when Finch's unit was attacking or preparing to on one of their dirty missions where the soldiers like him were not given details to keep their minds from wandering. Killing enemy soldiers had made it easier to kill cartel soldiers later, but the collateral damage and the tying of loose ends had always lingered with him longer than needed and made him feel trapped in a cave. He could find respite in the perfect shot, and its perfection was so opposite to the impulsiveness and risk proneness of everything that the Mexicans in his life had represented: his parents, Epifanio, even Camila at times, most of the men he had commanded for her, Pote and Teresa on occasion. But only with Teresa he felt at home, even if the passion she put into things and the stubbornness that accompanied her exhausted him. He couldn't explain it but was sure that a part of him must be as impulsive and as stubborn as her, as his Mexican roots, otherwise nothing would make sense.

He pressed the radio button and a song by Bacilos filled in the car. Kelly Anne was apparently still studying Spanish, and music was a part of it, so her radio was tuned to the only Spanish station in Langebaan. He knew the song, Por Hacerme El Bueno, meaning To Make Me Feel Good. It had played at their wedding, and he had heard it before, so his mind drifted to their wedding which had been after Tony was born and before Teresa had started showing again her pregnancy with George. They had invited about forty people, mostly people they worked with in the mall, the security company, the cantina. As Pote and Teresa made sure to bring all Spanish speaking people they met in their circle, a good number of them had been fans of the Latin rhythms, so the dancing and the singing and the tequila had been abundant. He was amazed how they had transformed the atmosphere with their vitality and the passion of the music that came from within their souls.