Favorite Crime

Chapter 6

Two weeks later after settling in

It's been two weeks... two whole weeks since we've moved. I feel something, I just don't know what. But that's the problem... I don't feel anything. It's pretty much normal to feel like this now. Moving three, four times makes you feel like this, especially when you don't want to move. I keep telling myself I'm doing it for him, but I can't be doing this. I just can't. It's exhausting. He's currently at practice and I'm here. In our apartment that overlooks the city. I could never get over this view. It relaxes and calms me. I've been stressing about school and being here. He seems fine and excited about everything. I've told him how I feel about everything, and he understands. He's said that he's going to try and make it as 'homey' as possible. Whatever that means... He usually gets home around ten or eleven depending on the day. I end up passing out like at one or two. Staying up seeing the city all quiet and calm, with my music blasting through my headphones and me writing makes me feel at peace. The cups of coffee and tea that take over the coffee table in the middle of the living room, the two white fluffy couches against the windows that stretch across the wall, the kitchen island that has dishes overflowing from the sink, our smart led lights broadcasting a hot pink and dark blue light around the apartment give me a feeling... a feeling of nostalgia. This nostalgic feeling has been creeping on me since yesterday. This feeling is scary. It reminds me of the time when I was happy. Overjoyed with happiness, love, confidence, trust and mostly safety. I felt safe before. I trusted a lot more before. I was more confident. I loved abundantly. Happiness was the feeling of my life at that time. But now, I feel empty, confused, drained, insecure, and I mean I do feel loved and I do love, but I don't feel it the same. I'm going to start school in the next two weeks hopefully, but for now I hope to focus on myself and get to know this city.

It's been two hours now since I've been here heavy in my thoughts and he still isn't here, which is weird. I glance over at the clock and it shows that it's 2:57 a.m. It's two. Two o'clock in the morning and I'm still awake, he isn't here, and the city is quiet ( well besides the crackheads talking to the wall) but it's quiet. I decided to pick up my journal and write. It's been a week since I've written. I usually write how I feel, what goes on throughout the day, and how I think. It's my way of dealing with my anxiety. I write out all of my feelings and thoughts, so I can stop myself from overthinking and creating scenarios that don't exist. It has helped me a lot, especially through this move.

Journal #10

I've started a new journal because my old one ran out of pages. It feels good starting a new entry. Anyways, Today is March 15, 2022 , 3:18 A.M and I'm currently home alone waiting for Lee to come back from practice... or wherever he is. He never comes in this late but it's fine I guess. He's working hard for this and hopefully he'll be drafted into the MLB after we graduate. I've been here for him every step of the way. Literally. Every. Step. of. the. way. Is it exhausting? Yes. Am I hoping for him to notice I'm not that happy? Yes. Do I want him to feel bad? No. Am I going to make him leave his dream? No, but I do want him to think about my dream and my ambitions too. It annoys me that he completely didn't think about my dream. He did look into real estate offices for me and he did check any papers I can work in, but he doesn't understand how hard it is for me. The stress about my transcript, applications, getting my license, finding good papers to hopefully work in; it's hard. I don't want him to bribe anyone or ask maybe even beg them to let me in. I appreciate it, but I'd rather do it myself and give myself credit. In high school, I did and worked for everything myself. My tears were on every single paper I did. My headaches weren't for nothing. I love him so much I do, and I hope he does too but it's too much already. He's like a child and you're telling them that they have to listen or else they won't have iPad time or something. Just the thing is, he does listen... to a certain point. If it benefits him, he will but if it doesn't, he won't. Our relationship has been on a bumpy road these past few years. Ever since we've entered college it's been difficult. We Miss each other all the time, we eat at separate times, sleep in and at different times. It's rare when we have the same schedule. He's a college athlete and I'm a college writer/agent. I spend hours and hours in the library, then I spend more hours writing here. He spends hours on the field, gym, traveling for games. It's just not working out anymore. And trust me we've tried, but it just doesn't feel the same anymore. The love is still there. It's strong. But I need to see him. I miss his touch, his scent, his laugh, his hands meeting my hands, caressing them through my hair, his lips meeting mine, fitting together like a missing piece from a puzzle... I miss him. I hope I can adjust to this life again. Being in this city is different. Hopefully a good different. We're barely starting here, so I can't jump to conclusions and my final thoughts. Oaklee loves it though. He's completely obsessed already. He loves the variety of foods, the city view, how everybody moves here, the way they function. It's kind of fascinating. Everybody has their own lives. Their own world. We all go through different emotions at the time. One person could be having the best day in the world, while the person that just passed by them is having literally the worst day ever. Someone could be running late to work or something, while the other is probably retired or on break. If this city has taught me something over these two weeks, it would be minding your own damn business. Literally, mind your business and watch your eyes... don't stare for too long. Keep walking if it doesn't benefit you. But I think that will conclude this entry, I'm getting too tired waiting for him. Its now 4:27 a.m and I'm going to sleep. ~ Sincerely Annalise :)