Hushed words (tk)

Deserved.

---unedited.

Jungkook woke up and sat in silence, before checking the time, 5 AM. He felt tired and drained out. And the fact that he felt like his heart was about to burst, didn't help at all. 

He wanted to do something, something to release his pain. 

He looked at his phone, and kept it back in the drawer of his desk, locking it further, the phone still switched off.

Walking up to the washroom, Jungkook freshened up, took a bath, but when he was about to brush his teeth, he looked at his reflection in the mirror. 

'You hurt him, you bitch!'

'How can you be so pathetic?!'

'You shouldn't have let him close at the beginning itself!'

'Why did you do it? You liked him too!'

'He's hurting, and the reason's you! You always hurt people around you! You wasted your parent's money, you are a disappointment, can't do anything, not good at anything!'

'What are you even living for, huh? You should di-

'Jungkook-ah? Are you in there?!'

'Yeah, wait a minute, I'm almost done.'

Jungkook walked out of the bathroom, and towards his desk, to pick up his school bag. He walked to the kitchen and began to slice an apple. 

That's when it came. 

He had a knife. 

He could punish himself.

Jungkook smiled to himself, before looking around. Yeah, perfect time, his parents are getting ready, his grandmother is in the washroom, and his sister sleeping. He can do it, and make it look like he got cut! Yes!

Jungkook closed his eyes, 'This is for hurting him so badly, for being pathetic, for being useless, for being myself.'

And he slid the knife over his palm, the cut was deep enough, as he felt it hurt, the blood oozed out, and dripped down, he deserved it since he wanted to punish and at the same time let his pain out. He smiled before he heard his parent's room door open. And so, he dropped the apple after dropping some of his blood onto it, on the ground and dropped the knife in the sink near him, picking out the paper towels as slowly as he can, and saw his blood drop, as he felt better than before. 

'Jungkook! What are you doing?' 

'MOM!'- Jungkook shouted, trying to sound like he was teary. 

His mother frantically came into the kitchen to check on him. Once she saw his hand and the blood dropping on the floor, she gasped, shouted for his father and grandmother, and walked up to him, pushing his hand under the water, not being able to make out anything else. 

His grandmother entered and saw the knife, as well as the apple on the floor, before taking out the container that had turmeric and holding his hand, before applying handfuls onto his wound to stop the blood from flowing which made Jungkook groan due to the burning he felt, but he didn't stop her. 

'We need to get it treated, the wound is deep, hurry up, get the car out!'- his mom shrieked to his father, who cursed and got the keys, asking him to follow behind. 

Jungkook told his mother he'd be okay and walked out, his father had started the car. He held his hand straight in front of him, the turmeric had stopped the blood flow, not completely though, and to Jungkook, it felt peaceful to see the blood ooze out slowly. 

'Wear the seatbelt, quick!' 

All the way, he heard his father curse at nothing or maybe him, for making him get late to the office, but Jungkook didn't care, he just looked outside the window, controlling his painful smile, his eyes teary, finally having realized that for the first time in his life, he tried to hurt himself, he tried to self-abuse. Proves he's doing nothing, and proves he's drowned, finally.

Trauma or depression isn't something grand, neither it is always clear and visible. On a few particular days, the reality, the past as well as all the memories just sink in too deep, all at once, wretching the heart, slowly tearing it apart, as you feel nothing but, pain. That is why, they say, a traumatized person never truly heals. The memories just stay there, deep inside, ready to surface and bring back every terrorizing moment, when the time seems wrong, when life gets hard.