Holy Sin | | JJK

40

"Because of me?" Her tone told me that she was aware of that fact. She sat up on the ground and so did I. Her words sounded more like a fact.

"Y/n it's really not the way you think it is." I scoffed as she looked at me with an unrecognizable look in her eyes. "It is the way I think it is otherwise you wouldn't be with Jungkook today. You wouldn't be his girlfriend." She shook her head reaching for my hands but I pulled away feeling my chest tightening with pain.

"I can explain. You are misunderstanding the situation." I let out a humorless chuckle. "You knew we were in relationship then why did you act like more than a friend to Jungkook." Tears rushed in her eyes as she shook her head again. "Y/n, I didn't—" I cut her off immediately.

"I beg you. Please don't cry. I wouldn't even know if those tears are real or fake. And don't say anything to me because I would believe you and I don't want to. I wouldn't even catch your lies because I have a different image of you. Even after what happened, you still have that place in my head. I know how dumb it is. So Young, don't hurt me more please. I have been trying to heal the wound on my heart. Don't open it."

She wiped her tears crawling to my side.

"Y/n, I just want to clear everything. Because I can never stop blaming myself. I feel so guilty everytime I look at Jungkook or you. I feel so guilty everytime I look at Jungkook's cold eyes. I feel guilty everytime Jungkook smiles at me and show me small lovely gestures because I know how hard he's trying to make them seem real when he's faking it all."

I blink my eyes snapping my head in her direction. Her words catch me off guard even though I knew something was off.

"What?" She bites her lips. It doesn't go unnoticed by me how hard she's trying to keep herself together.

"You know, when you went away, he only had me. And in the process of keeping him sane, protecting him, supporting him, consoling him I fell
in—" She suddenly stops looking at me. I tilt my head telling her to continue but she doesn't. She clears her throat looking away.

"I just know that the person whom he ever loved was you." My heart stops right there. This is a dream. It has to be a dream. Otherwise what girlfriend will tell another girl that their boyfriend loves her?
She sucks in a sharp breathe letting out a chuckle. "He thought I wouldn't know." She looks at me as I am still trying to process her words.

"There's only one girl in his life and it'll always be her. He wouldn't let anyone else enter that sensitive part of his heart except that girl. And that girl is you."

My brain goes numb and so does my entire body. My stomach churning badly.

She smiles lightly trying her best to not let the tears fall from her eyes. God, why do I feel so much of pain? Why does seeing her being so hurt makes me want to smash my own head? Why is my heart hurting like this?

"It's up to you, y/n. If you aren't ready to hear me now, then it's okay. But I'm here. You'd walk away and when you'll turn around you'll find me right here for you. I promised to be with you through thick and thin and I wouldn't break it again. I did a mistake—no—a sin before. I wouldn't do it again."

I can't hear her more. I want to be alone. Like a reflex action my legs shot up as I stand turning around. I'm about to walk away when her words stop me.

"Jungkook was never mine."

I clutch my dress into my fists walking away. Sitting inside a cab I tell the driver my address. I lean over the window staring out as fresh tears roll on my cheeks soaking them. I replay the conversation from minutes ago in my head.

"You are misunderstanding the situation."

"I feel guilty everytime Jungkook smiles at me and show me small lovely gestures because I know how hard he's trying to make them seem real when he's faking it all."

"in the process of keeping him sane, protecting him, supporting him, consoling him I fell
in—"

"I just know that the person whom he ever loved was you."

"Jungkook was never mine."

I don't know what to think anymore. It's confusing and heart breaking. What is it that she wanted to tell me? Why did she not complete her sentence? Why didn't she tell me that she loves Jungkook? Why did she tell me that Jungkook loved me?

Why?

I had so many questions but I wasn't ready to hear the answers.
Because I'm afraid I'm going to be in the wrong if I do so. It gives me a feeling that I'm going to regret all my life decisions. Just like So Young said, I'm running away.

Again.

If I am the person Jungkook ever loved then why did happen what happened that time. Why did I find the two of them naked in each other's arms? Why did I find So Young kissing him?

He loved me, right?

Then why was he with some other girl? Didn't my face come in his mind when he did whatever he did? Didn't he think of me at all?

I wiped the tears furiously as the cab pulled in front of my house. I walked out unlocking my apartment.

I have been trying so hard to vanish all those images and thought from my brain since so many years but now they are surfaced. I am forced to think about it all over again. It still hurts. Time passed by but the pain only increased.

I fell on my couch lifelessly curling up my legs, burying my face in my knees.

"Jungkook...." I called out as if he would come. But I needed him. I needed him so bad.

I told myself that I didn't need to feel bad for So Young. She's just a dramatic Bitch. She was pretending to be so good only because she makes me want to feel bad.

But I didn't believe my own words.

A scream left my lips as I threw the cushions on the ground in frustration, picking up the vase and slamming it against the wall. I swiped my hand over the table making the glass and bowls fall on the floor making them break. My purse fell down spilling all its content on the floor. I fell on the ground, some of the glass pieces piercing my palm but that was the last thing I cared  about.

I felt so many emotions that I felt like a mess in my head. Why was life so unfair to me? Why did Jungkook agree to let me hang out with So Young? Why did I feel lively with her? Why is she being nice to me?

My gaze fell on the Polaroids and all those things that So Young has bought for me.

I clutched my hair in my fists throwing my head on the couch. Closing my eyes, the moments and destruction from years ago flashed in front of my eyes. My body was turning cold and numb not because it was actually cold but because of the loneliness I felt.

The void in my chest that Jungkook had filled years ago.

My phone ringed vibrating against my jeans. Ignoring it for a while, I couldn't do more because it kept ringing crazily. I pulled it out harshly picking it up without noticing the caller ID.

"Hello." My voice was hoarse and any sane person would tell that I have been crying. The voice that came next only heightened my rage.

"What happened? Are you okay? Are you home? I'm coming right there, can I?"