Holy Sin | | JJK

35

<Y/n>

I stand in front of the door having second thoughts about coming here. My hands are in the air close to giving a knock on the door but many possibilities, consequences and upcoming conversations have stopped them.

Since hours I've been thinking about answers I could give for the questions that would be thrown at my face.

What would I explain? Do I even know what I am going to explain? Do I even have any kind of explanations?

And even if I have, nothing will prove that I am right because I know how damn wrong I am.

But nothing stops me from facing my best friend. We've had a bonding greater than any of those friends out there and I just can't let this matter be. I can't lose this man for somebody who doesn't even care about me.

The loud thumping inside my chest makes me more nervous than I had expected myself to be.

Just as my knuckles meet the hard texture of the door, it flies open revealing a dressed up Ji Ho.

His eyes meet mine and instantly change into the one which I'd call betrayal and distrust. He closes the door behind him ready to walk past me completely ignoring my presence but I manage to stop him through my words.

"Please listen to me once. I can explain this."

I hate how I sound. So weak and defeated. He turns around to face me. He tilts his head raising a challenging brow at me. "I don't think you can." He says with a shake of his head before turning his back to me.

I hold his wrist stopping him. I stand in front of him bearing his cold gaze on me.

"You'll understand me. You always do. Please don't leave me alone." My voice breaks in between. I'm on the verge of having a mental breakdown. All of this is way too much.

He shakes his head pulling away his hand from my hold. He takes a step back.

"No y/n. I won't understand you this time. Because no reason and I reapeat no fucking reason can justify why you would have a half naked Jungkook in your house early in the morning."

His words are a slap to my face. They pierce my heart because I know he's right.

I nod agreeing with him. "You're right but we can't reason all of our
feelings—" He cuts me off with a humorless chuckle. More like a chuckle of disbelief. He points his index finger in my direction.

"You are telling me that you still have feelings for him?" I part my lips to speak but close them instantly realizing I don't have an answer to that.

"Y/n, do you remember that day?" I very well know what he's referring to and now when I am hearing all of this from someone else's mouth. I feel like such a God damn prick. Like a stupid woman I am.

"That day you found him with Su Young. On your freaking birthday. On his bed. Naked. In each other's arms."

His every word works like a dagger for my heart. Piercing through and through. Even today when I recall all those memories, I feel the hurt and pain in my chest. The disgust and betrayal in my breathe. Nothing ever helped me to get that sight out from my mind.

"You think I don't know why you hate your birthday so damn much? Because everytime it reminds you of them. Of him. Of the Jungkook whom you loved and who only gave you pain and hurt in return."

I see the anger in his eyes. He's always so fucking right. I swallow the hard lump in my throat trying to defend Jungkook.

I feel the need to do so. I don't even know why. Jungkook is in the wrong but I still want to defend him. And I'm still holding onto that last straw of hope that maybe one day I'll realize it was all a misunderstanding and Jungkook never cheated on me.

Even today, I desperately wait for something or someone to tell me that Jungkook didn't do anything wrong.

I feel crazy to be thinking this way but I can't help it. Anyone in my place would think and want the same thing.

Or maybe it's just me. Maybe because I love him so much.

"I remember it Ji Ho. And it freaking hurts but let me be honest for once."

And the tears I have been holding back breaks out from my eyes. A helpless sob leaves my lips.

"I..." It takes everything inside me to let out those words. "...I love him." I haven't ever admitted it out loud. Now when I do, it feels like the most wrong thing a person could do. But I can't ignore the little comfort in my heart and the little part of me that felt happy to have accepted it even when I know what it means.

Another heart break. This time something worse.

My best friend gives me a look of disbelief, anger and frustration.

"Are you even in your senses? How can you love him? Haven't I done enough to make you realize Jeon Jungkook isn't the right man?" He blurts out in anger holding his hair in his fingers.

I stare at him deeply before a sudden smile forms on my lips. I take a step closer.

"What if I don't want a right man? What if I want Jungkook no matter what?" He inhaled a deep breathe looking so done with me. He parts his lips to speak another lecture that would only make me feel so much more bad but I cut him off.

"I saw him again few months ago." I admit in a low voice hanging my head low staring at my feet. "A bigger part of me wanted to rip his throat off and a little part of me wanted to run in his arm. The comfort place I used to own." My words probably takes him by surprise. I know it because of the way his body stiffens and he forgets to take in a breathe.

"I always listened to my little inner voice and ended up where I am today. I thought it was mere attraction but it wasn't. I never got rid of those feelings I had for him and after I saw him again, my heart started to accept all my feelings again."

He inhales a deep breathe keep his hands on my shoulders.

"Y/n, he has Su Young. And he will never love you the way you do."

His eyes searches mine to see what I am thinking but his expressions drop a bit when he gets an idea of my thoughts. I sniffle wiping the lone tear on my face. I raise my head looking up at him.

"Let him not. Let him have lust towards me and let me love him. I'm okay with it."