BTS Eighth Member | The Life: Year 2015

Chapter 7- Snow-Covered Hill

March 8th, 2015:

We were all standing in a line on stage at the end of the Live Trilogy Episode II: The Red Bullet concert in Taipei. My eyes were starting to water as fans chanted my name waiting for me to speak.

These past two weeks had been hard. Very hard. I went to see a therapist 2 times a week and with that, I was forced to actually open up about my biggest regrets, fears, and anxieties. I not only had to tell my therapist, but she recommended I tell the boys and my family as well.

Honestly, I found it easier to tell the boys than my family. I had argued with my dad because he wanted Audrey to attend this "meeting" I had called to talk to my grandparents, father, and sister over skype because he wanted to treat her as family now. I was getting used to Audrey being around and I did like her as a person, but I wasn't ready to divulge my biggest, darkest secrets to her yet. Finally, my sister and I convinced him to not bring Audrey with my sister convincing him after saying "this isn't about accepting Audrey as family or not, it's about fixing the family we have now".

The meeting had gotten heated at times, and everyone ended up crying, but I think we had finally opened up about how we truly felt about each other, my mother's death, and the future.

I was also doing all these mentally draining tasks while still attending school and taking part in BTS' schedules. Sejin had informed the school about what I was going through and asked them to go a little easy on me, accepting the work I was putting in even if the standard had dropped a little. Of course, some teachers weren't as forgiving, seeing it as "unfair" and "wrong" to give me leeway due to personal problems when everyone had their own. I knew which teachers felt this way, especially my maths teacher, and tried to really push myself in their assignments, but it seemed as if now they knew, nothing I would submit was going to be good enough. At least I now had a therapist to tackle this new problem with...

I had also insisted on telling ARMY. If I had to be honest with the members and my family, I felt it was unjust to be leaving another huge part of my support system out. However, of course, I couldn't just plainly tell them about everything that had happened. So instead, the group and Big Hit producers helped me consolidate some of my miscellaneous phrases and feelings in my notebook into a song. The result was Snow Covered Hill (originally Landslide by Fleetwood Mac). We had made a more explicit, honest, in-your-face song, but management thought it would be too controversial.

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Snow Covered Hill Lyrics (slightly edited from original)

I took my live, took it down

I climbed a mountain, and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills

[English] Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Hmm-hmm, hmm-hmm

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older

And I'm getting older too

[Guitar Solo]

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older

[English] And I'm getting older too

[English] Oh, I'm getting older too

I take my love, take it down