In My Head

Still Me ~ Kaden

Megan came back, but she brought her friend along. I'm not talking about this in front of Stephanie. Logan must have had the same thought, because he puts his arm around Stephanie and leads her down the beach. There goes my excuse, I think, and I automatically feel bad for even thinking about avoiding this conversation. I have to talk to her. Suddenly it feels hard to move, like my body is made of wood. My chest feels tight, like my rib cage is too small, crushing my lungs.

Megan watches Logan and Stephanie leave, then looks back at me. She gives me a weak smile, crosses her arms, and comes closer. "Hi," she says in her low voice. Even when she's uncomfortable, she's still adorable.

I'll admit I was starting to like Megan, and she was confiding in me too. She's extremely cute, and nice to talk to, and interesting, but now that she knows my secret, she doesn't see me; she sees a freak. I don't want to be with someone who looks at me like that, but Logan is right. After I go down at school it won't matter; everyone will find out no matter what I do. But right now it needs to stay a secret.

Logan and Stephanie stop walking down the beach. He turns and sits in the sand, facing me, and she takes a seat next to him. I take a big breath and force myself to look at Megan. Something Jake said once pops into my head. "I know it's weird, but I'm still me . . . Okay?"

Megan heaves a big sigh. "Yeah . . . Wow, you sure know how to break the news."

I didn't expect her to go sarcastic on me. ". . . I've never really told anyone before."

"Yeah, I can tell." She smiles, but it looks forced. "You should work on that."

I rub the back of my head. "Got any pointers?"

This surprises her. She averts her eyes. "Maybe wait until you know the person better next time."

"Trust me, I would if I could."

"What do you mean?"

I sigh. "It's better if you know before I go down, you know?"

The smile melts off her face. "So it . . . happens . . . a lot?" She crosses her arms and shifts her feet.

I know what she wants to hear, but there's no point in lying. It won't be long until she finds out for herself anyways. "Yeah . . . a lot."

"Like every day?"

"Pretty much."

"So you could, like, right now?" She stares at the sand under our feet.

"Yeah, I guess."

"What's it like?"

I stare into Megan's innocently curious face, and then I look over her shoulder up the beach, because I don't know what to say. I've never really described what it's like for me to anyone, let alone someone I just met. And I can't tell her what it would be like for her. All I know is that when it happens, I shake. Like Logan told the doctor, it's pretty bad, apparently bad enough to freak out my own brother. And the only thing Jake ever told me was that it looks scarier than it is. I have seizures practically every day, and I have no idea what it looks like when it happens to me.

"Oh, gosh, I'm sorry," Megan says. She waves her hand. "You don't have to-"

"No, it's okay," I say, because she looks like she wants to run off again. "It's just hard to describe."

Megan stares expectantly at me. Tell her what she needs to hear, right Logan?

"I guess it's . . . like, um . . . like shivering, I guess."

"Shivering?" she asks, perking up slightly.

I nod. "And sometimes my head feels fuzzy."

"That doesn't sound so bad," Megan says with a hesitant smile.

I made it sound way better than it really is. There's no way she'll stick around now. Not after she realizes I lied to her, not after she sees what it's really like. "Yeah, it's really not a big deal," I say. How ironic. I did exactly what Logan told me to do, and it'll be the reason why she splits.

Megan turns sideways and smiles big. I follow her gaze to where Logan and Stephanie are sitting together in the sand, making out. I'm not surprised. Megan lets out a soft giggle. "I can't believe her," she says under her breath.

"She seems like a good friend," I say, keeping the sarcasm out of my voice.

"Oh, she is. She just drives me crazy."

Now to seal the deal.

"You tell her about . . . me?" I ask.

"No." Megan shakes her head. "It's still a secret, after all. Even if it's a really big secret."

Wow, lucky me, she's not a gossip. "Thanks."

"Yeah." She looks right into my eyes. "Any time."

Loud shouting rises up from behind us. I turn back to the house. Are they cheering?

Megan laughs. "Oh, no."

"What?"

"Beer basketball."

Now that she said that, I can make out the words to the chant. Beer basketball-beer basketball. A crowd forms over by the side of the house. A mob of guys take the keg over.

"Beer basketball huh?"

"Yeah." Megan sighs. "It's a lame game the jocks always play on the weekend before tryouts start. Initiation, or whatever. It's pretty brutal."

"Do I even want to know? What are the rules?"

She lets out a laugh. "Rules? Wow, I guess they must have rules, huh? I have no idea. All I can tell from watching is that there are two players on each team, and they drink. A lot."

Stephanie and Logan stand up. She tugs on his arm and points at the court. Logan shrugs and lets her drag him up the beach.

"I guess we might as well go watch?" Megan says. "You can even play if you want."

Another lifetime, and I would, and I'd love it, but I don't want to repeat last weekend. Just like that, I'm reminded of what happens to my brain when I drink alcohol, and I recoil as if someone just hit me. Epilepsy plus alcohol equals hospital. No thank you. I probably can't play basketball anymore anyway. "I'd rather not," I say.

Megan watches Logan and Stephanie walk back to the house. She fidgets next to me, and I realize why she left earlier. She wanted to go back to the house, because she was scared to be alone with me. Not because she was disgusted by the epilepsy. And I can't blame her for being afraid.

"I'm glad you came back," I say honestly.

She locks eyes with me for a split second. "I'm glad I came back too," she says with a smile. "And I'm glad you are still you, even if you are kind of a jerk."

That makes me do a double-take. I thought she ran away because of the epilepsy, but it was because of how I treated her. The epilepsy didn't make her look at me differently. It made me look at her differently. And that means Jake was completely wrong. I'm not still me. I'm completely different now. And I don't like who I've become.

"You're right," I say. "Sorry about that." My eyes wander up the beach to where Logan and Stephanie are about to fade into the crowd of people surrounding the basketball court on the side of the house. As they disappear, I realize that Megan might be afraid to be alone with me, but I'm afraid to be alone with Megan too. "We should go watch."

Megan smiles and nods, and we turn together to follow Logan and Stephanie.