In My Head

Suicide Bomber ~ Kaden

Deb pulls the car into our driveway, and we all pile out. "I'm so glad you came," Deb says. She comes up to me and pulls me into a hug. "I know it will get better for you."

My throat goes tight. I hug her and take a big breath. She pulls away and gives me a big smile. She goes on to hug Logan, surprising him just as much as she surprised me.

Mirna tilts her head at me, her eyes a deep blue, darker than I've ever seen before. Then suddenly she's hugging me, her perfume swimming in my head. "You're gonna make it," she says, and I know what she means. No seizures today. My heart is pounding, but I feel somehow calm too. She slips away to hug Logan before I'm really ready to let her go.

Nessa jumps out of the car, still following me around. Even though she's just a dog, there was something comforting about knowing that she was always behind me. I kneel and run my hand over her silky ears.

Mirna and Deb get back in the car. I stand and go over, point at the car and say, "In." Nessa jumps right into the back seat, and I shut the door before she can notice I didn't get in the car with her. Damn, she's such a good dog!

"Thanks Kaden," Mirna says. "See you tomorrow." She waves and then Deb backs the car out of the driveway, and they disappear down the street.

I don't want to wait a whole month to go back to the epilepsy group. They should have meetings every week.

Logan goes over to the basketball hoop, grabs the ball, and shoots a basket. I walk up to him. He lets the ball bounce into the grass. "Let's go." He pats my shoulder and turns toward the house. I get next to him, and he leads the way through the garage. "Wanna watch a movie?" he asks.

I shrug and follow him down the hallway into the media room. "Gimme a sec." I sit in my chair, wake up my computer, and hop online. I have an e-mail from Jake.

Hey man. Sorry about Lissa. I can understand.

Im gonna be honest. I know you hate when people tell you what to do. Hear me out. PLEASE. If you really want to play, you need to do this right. That means getting permission. And a doctor note, so the coach knows its ok.

Make sure you talk to the coach. The more he knows, the more comfortable he will feel about putting you on the team. Ask Logan to help with this. Its a lot less scary if someone is there to take care of you.

This is probably the only way youd make the team. If you dont get p[ermission or the doctor is against you playing, then its not gonna happen.

Another thing, I talked to Kingsly and he says he would put you on the team. He wanted me to tell you you should try to get really close to your new coach and let him help you. Ask him questions, do what he says, that kinda thing. Coaches really like that.

Good luck convincing your mom to let you play. MAKE SURE YOU GET PERMISSION! Just show her the website. If she sees that its good for you, I bet shed let you.

later dude, be safe

Jake is kidding himself. If I actually did what he says, my chances of making the team would be nonexistent. It's too late anyway. I can't get a doctor's note when tryouts start tomorrow, and there's no way in hell Mom will give me permission. I have to keep the epilepsy a secret from the coaches, and I have to keep the basketball a secret from my parents. It's my only chance. I click reply and type,

thanks jake. id be so screwed without you looking out for me. im going for it. ill let you know what happens

I send the e-mail. My inbox reloads. There's a message. KADEN READ THIS RIGHT NOW! I don't recognize the e-mail address: gidget92@hotmail.com. I click on it.

What the hell are you thinking?! Lissa is falling apart because of you! After everything you put her through, HOW COULD YOU BREAK UP WITH HER IN AN EMAIL?!?!?! I know you still love her. WHy are you doing this? You need her support now more than ever. Wake up and get your head out of your butt, or I swear your seizures will be the last of your worries!

Bridget; Lissa's best friend. She has no idea what she's talking about. Of course Lissa is sad. I'm sad about it too, but that won't get me home, and it's not a good reason to stay together when we can't be together. Sure, I still love Lissa, but she shouldn't have to be tied down by this anymore. She shouldn't have to worry about me when I'm hundreds of miles away.

Bridget doesn't know anything about this. If she actually knew why I broke it off, there's no way she'd yell at me like that. It isn't even her business! Screw her. I don't give a crap what she says! I hit the delete button and stand up. My chair topples backward and my computer mouse flies forward and hits the wall.

"Whoa." Logan gets up. He takes one look at me and realizes that wasn't a jerk. He makes a strange face at my computer chair. "What's wrong?" He comes over.

"Nothing." I bend over and jerk my chair up. "Forget it."

He stares at me. "You don't have to tell me, just try to relax okay?"

Relax. Right, sure, just relax.

"Come on." Logan reaches out and puts his hands on my shoulders, making the bruises ache. I nearly shove him off me. "At least act like you care about getting better, okay?" he says.

He's right. How could I let Bridget get to me? Why do I let any of it get to me? None of this is worth blowing up over. Why do I self-destruct like this?

Then I realize-all this time I thought I was a ticking time bomb, but I'm not.

I'm a suicide bomber, and I don't have to blow up anymore.

I close my eyes and breathe the way Mirna showed me. The air pushes on my lungs, stretching me in ways I'm not used to. But the air goes in and the fire burning under my skin slowly goes out.

Ikeep breathing nice and deep and slow, and I feel the anger just sort of meltaway. Who knew you could put out a fire with a rush of cool air.