Secrets

30 | devon

I dial Hadley's number and cross my fingers in hopes that she'll pick up. I video chat her despite my better judgement, knowing it's nearly midnight her time and tomorrow is a school day.

My spirits fall as the phone rings and rings with no answer. Just as I'm about to give up trying, the sound of the call connecting fills my earbuds and Hadley's face takes up my screen.

My heart aches longingly as I take in her features. Her room is dimly lit, implying she was either sleeping or getting ready for bed. She looks tired, though her blue eyes are bright as she offers me a wide smile.

"Hey," I say softly with a faint smile of my own.

"Hi!" Hadley exclaims. She sounds happy to talk to me, which almost hurts. I know I haven't been putting as much effort into our relationship since I moved as she has. I've been so busy with soccer and trying to keep my grades up that I don't have as much time to talk to her as I used to, especially considering the three hour time difference between us now.

"Sorry I'm calling so late," I rush to apologize. "I had classes and practice, then some assignments to finish . . ." I trail off, realizing how ridiculous I sound.

Hadley dismisses my apology with a wave of her hand. "It's fine. I'm just glad to be talking to you."

I try to offer a smile, though the gesture falls through. I miss Hadley so much. Being able to feel her. To hear her voice in person. I long to be with her now.

"How is it so far?" Hadley asks, breaking me from my thoughts. "The team and school and everything?"

I perk up slightly. "It's awesome. A lot of work and effort but . . . I love it, Hads."

The statement is genuine. When I'm on the field here, I feel like I truly belong. Like everything I've worked so hard for the last few years has finally been recognized. And it's nice, feeling like I've actually managed to do something with my life.

"I'm happy for you." Hadley grins. I know she means the words. "And I miss you."

"I miss you more," I argue with a sigh. I lean back against my bedframe and try to get comfortable, though I know it's no use. I haven't slept too well since moving here. I'm more homesick than I'd ever admit out loud.

"That party you went to looked fun." Hadley's tone comes off almost grudgingly, as if she's trying to sound genuine yet doesn't truly feel that way. I furrow my eyebrows discreetly, studying Hadley's face for any signs of anger or sadness.

In all honesty, the party I went to with Audrey is the last thing I want to talk to Hadley about. She has had yet to mention it since the night I went, and I haven't brought it up either. I'm uncertain as to why Hadley seems to dance around the subject–technically, I've done nothing wrong.

And yet I know that's a lie, because I remember that night all too well for someone who had been so out of it. I'd chosen to ignore Hadley, to disregard her attempts to reach out to me. And the worst part is that . . . I'd enjoyed it. I had liked the feeling of freedom I felt in those moments, not having to think about all of the things that tie me to home. I'd just been living in the moment, focusing on the Devon I am now, and not the Devon I had been back home.

I promised Hadley that nothing had to change just because I was moving, but I find myself wondering if I'd been wrong. Maybe I can't keep that promise, because I feel as though I'm turning into a different person completely, the change seemingly beyond my control.

I realize that I have sat in silence for far too long now and have yet to answer Hadley. I shrug nonchalantly, blowing off her statement by saying, "It was okay. Anyway, how's everyone back home? Tell me about school."

Hadley's expression falls for just a moment. A shadow passes over her gaze, flickering in her deep blue eyes. I can tell that she is hurt by the way I'd ignored her comment and refused to give any further details, but I just simply can't bring myself to talk about the stupid party.

How do I explain to Hadley that there are parts of my life she just wouldn't understand now–that though we're together, I know time and distance is only going to turn us into strangers.

After a moment, Hadley launches into conversation about all that I've missed out on. I feel guilty, though I find it hard to pay attention to what she's saying. Instead, I continue to fall lost in thought.

I realize that Hadley and I aren't used to this, making separate memories and having entirely different experiences. I begin to wonder if the two of us will manage to make this work, when our lives are just so different now. What will we even have to talk about in a few months? Her life will stay the same, while she spends her time with our old friends and completes high school. But I won't be a part of any of it, just as she won't be here to witness me on the field or meeting new people as I make the shift from high school to college as I slowly become an adult.

The entire situation just seems impossible. How do you possibly keep things the same as they once were, when everything else around you is changing?

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a/n: quadruple update 🔥