Secrets

24 | devon

I hold on to Hadley tightly, afraid to let go.

The realization that I won't be able to truly feel Hadley again–to touch her, soak in her warmth, revel in the softness of her skin–until I return home during the next upcoming break from school hits me all at once as I wrap my arms around her for one last embrace.

I can tell Hadley is blinking back tears, though her resistance is unprevailing. Nothing can stop the rain from hitting once dark storm clouds begin swarming the sky, and her tears soon fall with the force of a hurricane. My response to her gentle weeping is to clutch her frame tighter–trying to remind her that for now, I'm still right here. Just because I'm moving doesn't mean I'm going anywhere, I tell myself. Nothing has to change.

"I'll call you the second I can," I whisper in Hadley's ear, doing my best to comfort her in any way possible. "I promise."

Hadley pulls away slightly as she nods. "Drive safe," she mumbles softly. My mother agreed to let me take my car for one last drive to the airport, then later she would ride with Kai to pick my car up and bring it back home. I clasp Hadley's hand with a strength I didn't know I withheld. I'm not ready for her to walk away yet–I'm not ready to stop holding on to her.

"Always," I tell her, doing my best to sound casual. I don't want Hadley to know that I'm warding off tears of my own–not when she needs me to be strong for her. I force a smile, though I know the gesture doesn't reach my eyes. I'm playing tough, but knowing it's time to go has me feeling more sad than I ever have before. I'm scared, frightened of leaving behind the only life I've ever known.

Hadley cups my face in her hands, forcing me to gaze into her eyes. "I am so proud of you," she reminds me. "You've worked so hard for this opportunity, and you deserve it more than anyone. Go kill it at Stanford for me, okay?"

I snort, though the sound leaves my lips slightly choked. "Yes ma'am."

Hadley's gaze is sad, yet determined. She wipes at her eyes, as if deciding she's spent too much time crying. Her bottom lip trembles as she forces a smile, squeezing my hand in her own tightly. She presses a gentle kiss to my cheek before stepping aside, lingering off to the sidelines as she gives me time to tell the rest of my loved ones goodbye. I feel cold and empty without her by my side, even when she's only feet away.

Mason and Clover approach and wrap me in a large hug, quickly pulling Hadley in to join. Kai bawls unashamedly as he wraps his arms around my shoulders, which has me discreetly tearing up as well. He's been my best friend for years–I've never known life without him by my side. Though we've been bickering nonstop lately, I know he only has my best intentions at heart. It's going to hurt like hell to leave him.

Goodbyes are hard, and I've never been much good at them. Even though I know I'll soon be back, I also realize that nothing will ever be the same again–nothing can go back to how it was before once I leave.

The four of my friends step aside after a moment to give me a few minutes alone with my mother. I know they're pretending not to eavesdrop as my mother wraps me in a warm embrace.

"I'm proud of you," Mom tells me. She's beaming, though I can see through the lighthearted expression she tries to force. I know she's happy for me just as I know this is hard for her. It's been just me and my mom for years–my dad has never been much a part of my life. Now we're parting ways, the thought as upsetting to me as it is scary.

It doesn't seem to matter how old I get with time, part of me will always be a little girl who needs her mom.

"I'm going to miss you," I admit, voice cracking as I struggle to get the words out.

Mom's shoulders shake as she fights her sadness. She clutches me tightly, smoothing my hair back as she runs a hand over my head comfortingly.

"I'm going to miss you more," she confesses. She straightens then, inhaling a deep breath as she smiles sheepishly and blinks back tears. Gripping my shoulders, she murmurs, "I guess this is it then. Do you have everything?"

I nod my response as I inhale a deep breath of my own, turning to face the rear of my car. Hesitantly, I rest a hand on the open trunk, gazing at all of my packed belongings.

"Well," I mutter before closing the trunk, locking away all of the boxes that contain my entire life, now off to make a home elsewhere. "I guess this is goodbye for now."

"We'll miss you," Mason croaks with a loud sniffle.

"I'll miss you guys," I admit. My bottom lip trembles slightly. "So much."

I don't think my friends understand the deep meaning behind the words. Mason, Clover, Kai . . . we've been a tight knit circle for years. I'm going to miss all of our sleepovers, staying up late sharing secrets, laughing our asses off, driving around blaring music with no destination in mind. It was never about what we were doing, all that mattered was that we were together.

And now I'm leaving them behind.

I turn to study my girlfriend with careful eyes. She has held her composure extremely well so far, refusing to crack under the pressure of circumstance. Because that's who Hadley is. She'll handle all the pain in the world if it means saving others from feeling any negativity at all. Yet I notice the pain she's withholding, displayed by the tears tracing jagged paths down her cheeks and the shaking of her bottom lip as she spouts tight smiles.

My heart aches. I want her to know that she is safe with me–free to express every emotion, anywhere between the good and the bad. I want her to know that she can be happy for me and still be upset for herself. I want her to know that it's okay if she wants to be selfish–it's okay for her to want to hold on just a little longer.

I know, because I feel the exact same way.

I gesture for Hadley to follow after me as I walk toward the driver's side of my car, taking her hand and holding onto it tightly until I'll inevitably have to let go.

"Hey," I whisper to her as I tuck a strand of light hair behind her ear, caressing her cheek gently. "It's going to be okay."

Hadley's bottom lip trembles as she nods. "Yeah."

I cup her face in my hands and kiss her forehead. She bites down on her lip, refusing to meet my gaze. My heart aches as I back away from her, sensing that she is experiencing the kind of pain I can't heal, no matter how hard I may try.

I fall into the driver's seat of my car with a heavy heart. I roll down the window and inhale sharp, deep breaths as I adjust everything to prepare for my trip to the airport, glancing at my loved ones in the rearview mirror as they circle around the back of my car, tearfully and patiently awaiting my departure.

Shifting gears to drive, I keep my foot hard on the brake pedal and wave to my mom and friends once more. Then I turn my stare to the windshield and force myself not to look back as I drive forward.

It's only when I can no longer see my home in the distance that I allow my tears to fall.

———
a/n: bye devon 🥲