Secrets

20 | devon

I watch helplessly as Hadley runs toward the beach house, calling after her to no avail.

I raise my hands to my face and squeeze my eyes closed as I hide behind my palms. I can't get the broken expression Hadley had just been eyeing me with out of my head. I don't think I'll ever forget the sadness etched onto her features as she stood before me just now.

I should have just told her the truth from the beginning. She should have been the first person I told when I received that acceptance letter from Stanford. I've been fooling myself this entire time, trying to convince myself I was shielding her from pain by keeping the truth a secret. In reality, I only managed to hurt her worse than I first feared.

It wasn't Hadley I've been trying to protect by keeping secrets, I suddenly realize. I've been trying to protect myself. Because not telling Hadley that I'll soon be leaving makes it easier to pretend I'm not.

My chest fills with rage as I whirl on my heel, staring Kai down in anger. He holds my stare defiantly–as if he doesn't regret what he's done. I don't think I've ever felt more betrayed by him in my entire life.

My hands shake at my sides as I snap, "What the fuck, Kai?"

Kai purses his lips. "I didn't mean to tell her–I really didn't. I'm fucking drunk, which is probably the only reason I'm going to admit this–but I'm not sorry. Hadley deserves to know."

"So do we," Mason snaps. She stands across from me with a hurt expression and arms crossed over her chest. Not only have I hurt Hadley by keeping secrets, I've betrayed my friends as well. "Seriously, Devon?"

It dawns on me that I have really fucked up.

"Did you really think you could just keep the fact that you're moving a secret?" Clover adds to the conversation. "What? Were you just going to leave without saying anything?"

"I was going to tell you all," I sound defeated as I slump back into my seat, suddenly feeling too weak to stand. "I was just waiting until I felt . . . ready."

A crack breaks through Mason's stone-like expression. Her gaze softens slightly as she says, "I'm pissed at you right now, but I still want you to know I'm happy for you. You've been dreaming of Stanford for years."

"Yeah," Clover grumbles. She still appears miffed, though her faint smile is genuine as she adds, "We're all proud of you."

"But you should have told us," Mason retorts. "We shouldn't have had to find out from Kai while he's wasted."

"I know." I sigh and go to rub my temples. "I fucked up."

"Hadley . . ." Mason's voice cracks as she glances over her shoulder toward the beach house, frowning deeply. "I can only imagine how hurt she is right now. It's going to take a while for her to get over this, Dev."

"Because you should have told her," Kai points out, merely adding fuel to the fire of my regret. I shoot him a glare.

"I fucking know!" I cry out of frustration. "You think this isn't hard enough on me as it is? I have to leave in two weeks. I'm missing out on senior year. I have to quit my team. I won't be here for prom or graduation. I have to leave you guys. I have to leave–" My voice falters before I can finish my sentence. "I have to leave Hadley," I finally manage to choke out weakly.

A silence falls over my friends. The fire crackling before us and the noise of the waves crashing against the shore fills the eerie quiet. It hits me that not only have I been worried about taking these things from Hadley–I've been worried about losing them myself.

So, so fucking selfish.

"It's a once in a lifetime opportunity," Mason speaks up softly. "We understand why you have to go."

"It's just a lot," I croak. "A lot to let go of."

"But think of everything you'll gain," Clover points out.

I nod grudgingly. "I should go after Hadley . . ."

Kai shakes his head. "Don't."

I narrow my eyes at him. "She needs me right now."

"I think she needs some time," Mason suggests. I can tell she doesn't want to hurt my feelings as she adds, "Be gentle with her. This is a lot to process."

Though I know my friends are right, the truth is a hard pill to swallow. I understand why Hadley wants to be alone, but I ache to run after her. I want nothing more than to find solace in her presence. I want to hold her like I'll never let go; to run my hands through her silky blond hair and absorb her warmth and spend as much time with her as possible before I no longer can.

I worry that this will be it–that I've already ruined things with her for good. I kept something so huge from her. She's finding out that I'm leaving with only two weeks left to spend with me. She's no doubt going over everything in her head right now, breaking at thoughts of everything she's losing and frightened by what such a big change might mean for the two of us going forward. I can't even begin to imagine how I'd feel if our roles were reversed.

I wish I could go back in time and undo all of this. I wish I hadn't been so selfish. I'm the one deciding to leave. I should be able to face the reality of my own decisions. I'd go back in time, and I'd tell Hadley the truth. She would have been the first person I'd called. I'd have given her time to come to terms with everything, and then all of this would have been avoided.

Or maybe–if I could go back in time–I'd choose not to attend Stanford at all.

"Can I be alone?" I ask my friends, voice cracking. "I just want a minute."

Mason nods, though her eyes are full of pity. "Yeah. Of course."

My friends share shattered glances as they rise to their feet, passing by me as they go to trek toward the beach house. Kai stops to offer another apology, though I wave him off dismissively. I'm still pissed at him, even though I know I'm the one in the wrong. Clover pats my back and ruffles my hair before wandering off wordlessly.

Mason stops to rest a hand on my shoulder. "We really are so happy for you, Dev. We all know how hard you worked for this."

I force a smile in return, slumping low in my seat as Mason trails away.

I clutch my head in my hands as I sit in torturous silence. It seems everyone but me is happy about my acceptance into Stanford, which is ironic considering Stanford is my dream.

Although, I'm suddenly uncertain about everything I once thought I wanted.

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a/n: hi here's a one in the morning update (: