Diplomat Hotel

37 - How Love is Gone

"S-Si Shaun?! Asan si Shaun. Sir, sir, sir, sir. Si Shaun, kailangan kong makita. Kailangan kong makita si Shaun!" taranta kong sabi sa kuya ni Shaun habang naghahabol ng hininga sa hallway ng second floor.

"Russel, calm down. I know you're too eager to see my brother because of the accident but please calm down. Ready yourself, I'll admit something to you." malumanay na sagot nito. What do you expect? Kalmado ako habang nalalaman kong nasa kapahamakan ang kalagayan ni Shaun? Ng katuwang ko sa buhay? Just because of the things that I... I selfishly did, this happened. I'll never forgive myself for that...

"Ready myself? What do you mean?" mahingal-hingal na pagtataka ko habang nakatingin sa daanan ko. Why would I ready myself and where would I ready myself into? What is he going to admit? I'm somehow... nervous and scared. Did something happen to Shaun? Please... Please don't tell me that it's not what I'm thinking.

"I told you when we get there, that's the time I'm going to tell you. 'Wag kang makulit." he coldly replied, wearing a poker face.

I don't want to stress him out so I just behaved myself until we get there. Unang pumasok yung kuya ni Shaun sa kuwarto kung saan nagpapahinga si Shaun. I even stayed outside, not knowing what to do as I see Shaun lying in a very cold and comforting hospital bed. His brother came outside to invite me to come inside the room.

"Anong ginagawa mo? You asked me to let me let you see my brother, right? Go, come inside." iritableng anas nito at hinila ako sa loob.

"Sh-Shaun--"

"Kuya, gutom na ako." mga parirala ni Shaun na uminterpreta sa mga salitang dapat na itutuloy ko. Pero ang iniisip ko ngayon, what does his brother want to admit? Was he trying to just get me nervous or scared or what but that wasn't funny.

Umupo na lang ako sa upuan na nasa gilid ng pintuan. Kinikita kita ko na inabutan ng isang maliit at bilog na pinggan si Shaun ng kuya niya na may nakapatong na isang hiwa ng mansanas at tatlong pirasong biskwit. Sinunod naman niya ang isang basong gatas pero nilagay niya lang ito sa lamesa na nasa tabi ng hospital bed.

"Kumain ka na diyaan, may bibilhin lang ako sa labas." mahinahon na sabi ng kuya niya at bago pa ito lumabas ng pintuan, sinenyales niya ako na 'wag muna siyang kausapin hangga't 'di pa siya bumabalik ng kuwarto. Tinanguan ko na lamang ito at tuluyan na siyang lumabas ng kuwarto. Nakita kong tumingin si Shaun sa gawi ko na binalikan ko naman ng isang kumikinang na ngiti pero nagtaka ako, bakit bigla na lang siya umiwas ng tingin. Is he somehow mad of what I caused? Of... Of what I brought him when we started our relationship? I think... I think I got too selfish and I didn't get to think about Shaun's situation. If there was just a firefly that came around, maybe I'd go fly with that firefly and wish upon the star to be free from criticisms, homophobic criticisms but it didn't happen therefore, this is the result. I... I was the reason why both of his parents are now dead.

I watched him, eating his breakfast meal peacefully. It's awesome. This is the first time in a while I saw him eating his meal peacefully with his plumpy lips. Enjoying his foods as if it was the day when we confessed to each other. The day he agreed to be my adorable boyfriend and the day when he protected me from a homophobic host when we had our basketball championship in Marikina and that was the day I realized that I need Shaun, I want Shaun. I mean, not just Shaun but the heart of Shaun. I want his soul, whole of him. I want the whole of him and I want to promise that right after his recovery, I will be always beside him, protecting him from every single harm, every single acid that could melt him just a seconds away and from every criticism that he doesn't even need. I want him... I want Shaun, I love Shaun.

I noticed him, placing the empty plate on the table beside his bed and drank a whole glass of milk afterwards and shortly after, neatly putting it back to where it came from. He then went back, lying on his bed, clinging onto the long pillow and sightseeing on his right, blocking me away from seeing his face.