90 Day Saioumami Challenge

𝟙𝟘 - Pretending to be Happy is Exhausting. ♣️

Rantaro heard someone clear their throat, switching his attention back to the females sitting across from him. Akamatsu and Iruma's smiles had faded into concerned frowns. "What's wrong with you Amami? You're acting weird as fuck," Iruma began.

"Don't be so harsh Miu!" Akamatsu sighed, gently elbowing her girlfriend. "She's not wrong though, we're concerned about you Amami. You're usually so calm, what's up?"

Rantaro sighed, resting his head in his hands as his elbows thudded against the tabletop. "Sorry, I'm just stressed and exhausted right now..." It wasn't a lie, but at least he didn't have to admit the truth.

"You should stop doing so much volunteer work and rest," Akamatsu suggested. Rantaro did spend almost all of his spare time doing volunteer work, although it wasn't a problem. Volunteering helped him focus on a task and forget about his problems whilst helping others in need. Of course, everything thought he did it to give to others. Sometimes Rantaro felt that it was selfish and horrible to do it for his gain. It took a lot of convincing that even though he gained brief happiness from it, others in need gained something too.

"That's... not why I'm exhausted. It's not physical," Rantaro sighed.

"What do you mean?" Iruma asked.

"If you need to talk about something, you can tell us Amami. We aren't going to tell Shuichi or Ouma anything if you want to keep it secret." Akamatsu reached over to take Rantaro's hand but he slapped it away. His frustration grew exponentially at himself as he noticed how worried the other two were.

"I'm not talking about it so drop it," Rantaro muttered.

"No, tell us why you're so exhausted and acting weird!" Iruma demanded, raising her voice.

"Babe, don't force him-"

"No, what's exhausting?!"

"Pretending to be happy is exhausting!" Rantaro glared, spitting out his answer as he slammed his hands onto the table, hanging his head in shame. Silence enveloped the three as Rantaro's words hung in the air.

"Rantaro... What's going on?" Akamatsu whispered, succeeding in holding his hand. His eyes widened as his head snapped up, locking eyes with Akamatsu as he realised what he'd said. Without another word Rantaro took back his hand and stood up, his metal chair scraping against the floor tiles. You're an idiot, always making mistakes that land you in trouble.

Rantaro stormed out of the restaurant, glaring at the ground with clenched fists as he only managed to take a few steps. "Hey, Amami wait!" Stopping in his tracks, Rantaro dared not look up as he noticed Akamatsu and Iruma's shoes approach.

"Go away," Rantaro muttered.

"Not until you tell us what's going on!" Iruma demanded.

"Leave me the fuck alone!" Rantaro shouted, ignoring the watching eyes of the public who turned and stared. They act as if they understand, they take sides based on the story they have when it's not even a pinch of the entire truth. I hate the judgement, I'm sick of people judging me all the goddamned time! "Just stop trying to fix something you don't know anything about! I'm done so fucking drop it!"

"Done with what? We can help!" Akamatsu begged. "You can talk to us!"

"I'm fucking done with everything!" Rantaro shouted back, his eyes burning as he held his tears back. "Don't fucking follow me!" He ended the argument by turning around and storming off in a brisk walk, allowing the tears to fall as he noticed no one following him. The one time someone listens to me...

He walked through the streets, the sound of cars passing heightening his anxiety. All of his emotions bubbled in one big cauldron situated in his stomach, boiling over and clouding his mind and judgement. The only thing that brought Rantaro was the buzzing in his pocket.

Pulling out his phone with trembling hands, Rantaro stared at Kokichi's picture on the screen. I can't answer, not in this state. Rantaro shoved the mobile back into his pocket, the buzzing eventually subsiding as he let Kokichi go to voicemail. His phone buzzed again as Shuichi called him, although he also let him go to voicemail.

Rantaro sighed as he stared over the metal fence beside him at a road running beneath the bridge underneath him. He stopped walking and rested his arms on the cold railing, watching as cars zoomed by on the highway. Rolling his eyes, Rantaro groaned as his phone buzzed for the third time, Shuichi's picture smiling at him again.

Rantaro pressed the small green button and placed the phone to his ear. "Where are you?! Kaede said-" 

"Shuichi, is Kokichi there?" He cut off his boyfriend's expression of concern.

"Yeah, why?"

"Put me on speaker."

"Um, okay, you are," Shuichi confirmed, his voice echoing on the other end of the line.

"Rantaro, what's going on?!" Kokichi's voice demanded from further away.

"I'm sorry you two. Just know I love you both more than anything and you've done nothing wrong. This is all my fault."

"Rantaro wait-"

He hung up the call before his boyfriends could argue, shoving his phone back into his pocket as he stared at the asphalt far below him. "It's my choice, this is my decision."