cardigan [h.s.]

Chapter 36

Harry

I think I might already be in love with Diana Ashford.

I realized it on my way to Niall's house after the small tiff she and I had. I didn't kiss her goodbye and fuck, it hurt my heart and I almost turned around to drive back to her house, and apologize, or at least kiss her goodbye. But I think a little bit of my pride kept me from actually doing that.

She compared me to Dempsey. Sure, it might have been something she said out of anger because I refuse to tell her about my attempt last year.

But it hurt me to have her compare me to that asshole. I never wanted to be another Dempsey to her. I would never do the things he did to her. I would never say the things he said to her. And I most definitely wouldn't cheat on her with her best friend.

She means too much to me to let her go. She is the keeper of my heart.

And I think I might have fallen in love with her already. I want to be around her all the time and I get butterflies in my stomach and fluttering around in my rib cage whenever I even just hear her name. Her voice is like my favorite song and she's all I want to write about.

Every chapter, every stanza, every verse is her, her, her.

I think that's love. I'm not quite sure because I've never been in love before. I never thought I was worthy for something as powerful as love. But when I think back on it and how I've always noticed Diana Ashford for years. I've gained the knowledge that I have been slowly falling over time, like a slow song or a slow burn of a book, and now I have finally landed myself on the soft ground that is Diana Rose Ashford.

Some may say it's too fast, but is there really a time limit on such a thing as love. Can you really put time up against it. Time is merely a social construct. We as humans have essentially created the systems of meaning in which creates the concept of time. Which only means that there is no definitive amount of time it takes for someone to fall in love that applies to everyone.

I think it comes down to whether or not you feel it deep in your bones. And you feel so deep that you start to let it consume you. And I can tell you that Diana consumes me. Heart and soul, she consumes me.

Even when we have an argument, she consumes me. And I like to think that's what love is and I don't have to worry about it being too fast. I just have to worry about if she feels the same way back.

"Are you going to tell her?" 

"I have no idea," I answer Niall. I've been laying on his couch in the basement for a whole hour telling him about how I feel, and surprisingly he's listened the entire time. For sure, he could have gotten tired of listening to my love life. But he's taken a liking to being my therapist for the moment. "I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm in love with her, but how can I be sure?"

Niall shakes his head, "You can't. At least I don't think you can. You either feel it or you don't. And from what I heard, you being a fucking sap-"

"Watch it," I point a finger.

"I'm going to say you're in love with her mate."

"I want to be sure though." I don't want to be sitting here on my best friend's house questioning if I truly love this girl.

At least I don't want to tell her while I'm not one thousand percent sure. She deserves to be told with the utmost confidence in me. She's been through the ringer with boyfriends and friends, and family. Her emotions have been toyed with and have been the breeding ground for toture. I don't want to be another person to add to that, not that I think I will.