Shards

chapter 11

When the first drops of perfectly warm water hit my skin, I let out a little gasp of pleasure. Every muscle in my body ached. Yet, somehow, the simple liquid seemed to wash it all way. Suddenly, I was infinitely tired, like I could no longer support my own weight. My legs begged me to let them rest. Maybe I could just sit down for five seconds, on the floor of the shower. The idea was too tempting. I briefly worried about exposing my cast to liquid, but quickly pushed it aside. I wouldn't be seated long enough to cause it any damage.

All I needed was five seconds.

“Five seconds,” I whispered, as I took a seat on the warm, wet floor.

Five breaths in and out was all I needed to collect myself. As I let my eyes slide shut I realized that I was going back to something old, something instinctive.

Five seconds, that's all I needed. Whenever things felt like they were too much, like they were going to overwhelm me, all I had to do was take five deep breaths and I'd be fine. Then why, this time, didn't I feel better yet?

My naked body curled into the fetal position on the cold tiled floor. The shower room was filled with shadow. No one was here to turn on the lights, except for me. I wasn't sure why I'd neglected to do so, I didn't exactly remember stumbling in earlier. All I remembered was the feel of the water on my skin, or at least that's what I told myself. How I wished it was true. How I wished I could forget the past. Maybe if I begged the scientists, they'd administer the Procedure again, send me off to live some other life. I'd managed to ruin this one.

No, I only got one life. Even if the scientists ripped the memories from my skull I would still have the same body, the same mind, even if it was broken. The only chance I had, was to clean it off, all of it. The pain, the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Everything faded with time, and that was my only consolation. I opened my eyes just long enough to see the purple and green bruises that ran up and down my legs. Not everything washed away, some thing took longer to heal.

Suddenly, the room flooded with light. Maybe I should move. I decided against it. I wasn't clean enough yet, and even if I'd wanted to I didn't think I could force my quivering legs to support me.

“Oh my god!” someone cried, and I felt a hand on my shoulder.

Couldn't they see that I just wanted to be left alone? Jerking my shoulder away, I curled even tighter into a ball. Deep in the back of my mind, I knew that I would eventually have to move, but it was like my body no longer knew how to listen. Suddenly, a wonderful thought occurred to me. What if this was all just a dream? I'd wake up in my bed and Audrey would ask me what was wrong, but I wouldn't be able to tell her, not until after I'd told Ian.

He'd be worried, but I couldn't keep it from him. This dream was far too dark, even for me. As hard as I tried to ignore it, I could still sense the presence of the girl behind me. Reacting to the fact, I scooted farther away, the thought of human contact sickening me. Not to mention that I couldn't stop the shuddering. Even under the warm water, I was cold.

“Jaylee please,” the voice begged.

It was vaguely familiar, like someone I'd met in passing.

“How did you even end up here? There was no guard at the door when I came in. Jaylee, what happened?”

The girl knelt down in front of me so I was able to make out her face. It took a few seconds for her name to come. Tatiyana, or something like that. Her skin was only slightly lighter than Audrey's and she wore her hair in a thick mass of braids. Every muscle in my body was riged. She didn't appear to mean me any harm, but looks could be deceiving. I'd learned that the hard way.

“You-you're shaking.”

She reached out again, this time wrapping her hand around my elbow. I couldn't take it. Not now. Emitting the first sound I'd made since entering the shower room, I kicked out at her, hitting her in the knees. She collapsed to the wet floor, and I couldn't help but notice how exposed she looked, without anything to cover her skin. Did I look the same way?

Suddenly realizing how vulnerable I must seem, I pushed myself into a sitting position, continuing to hug me knees to my chest. Away from the warm droplets of water, I began to shake even more violently. I had to find some clothes. But I'd shoved mine down the chute, desperate to get every trace of him away from me. What had I been thinking? The answer was, I hadn't. How could I think when every cell and my body felt like it was collapsing in on itself?

“Jaylee?” Tatiyana just wasn't giving up, but I noticed she was now keeping her distance. “I have to get you help! I don't know what's wrong—because you won't tell me—but I know it's something. There are some nice towels over here, see?” She walked over to the entrance, pointing around the corner to where I knew there were racks of the soft fluffy things.

Tatiyana wasn't a robot, but she didn't know this place like I did. She wouldn't be able to get me help, because there was no one to give it. She began to move towards me, again, but I held up my hands.

“Wait! Just give me five more seconds. I've-I've just...” I trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.

My voice was hoarse but audible. She paused, her hands clenching and unclenching nervously, at her sides.

In my head, I counted down. “One. Two. Three. Four. Just. Get. Up.”

I felt the strength I saved inside me, for moments like this, begin to flow through my veins. I got to my knees and tightened my core muscles, preparing to get my feet under me. Suddenly, in the back of my mouth, I tasted it. Alcohol, something I'd had no contact with outside its medical uses. My stomach rolled and contracted, forcing me back to my knees. I gagged, and my mouth was filled with the taste of barf. Suddenly, my whole body was convulsing, emptying the meager contents of my stomach onto the tiled floor.

It mixed with the water, and began to slowly dribble towards the drain. It's acrid smell filled the air and I had to fight back another fit of gagging. Wanting now, more than ever, to get away, I staggered to my feet. A wave of dizziness hit me and with it sadness. Because, deep inside, I knew that it was all mental. This was my mind's reaction to something I could have never anticipated. It was trying to make it physical, something I could deal with. Finally raising my eyes, I focused in on Tatiyana. It was like she was frozen to the spot, hypnotized by my pain. It must be frightening for her, watching me break.

Snapping out of it, she reached for me again. I quickly stepped out of the way. Seeming to take the hint, she quickly hurried towards the entrance, gesturing for me to follow. I took a few steps, but the dizziness was still there. Mental or not, it made it hard to walk. Unexpectedly, my foot slid out from under me and I fell towards the floor. Not missing a beat, Tatiyana caught my wrist. This time I didn't resist, as she slung my arm around her shoulder. There was really no point anymore.

“Here.” She shoved a towel into my arms. “Cover yourself up, you're shivering.”

I obliged, wary of the camera that I knew now watched me. Was he on the other end, watching me, feeling guilty, or not. Tatiyana began to pull on a pair of clothes. Hers, the only one in sight. She gestured for me to wait then began to hurry down the hallway that lead from the change room. My legs wobbled and I trudged over to one of the benches that lined the walls. Instead of sitting, I flopped down, stomach first, and used another towel as a pillow. My eyelids drooped, but I knew I could never fall asleep, never again.

At the end of the hall, Tatiyana pulled open the door.