what i'm here for

Chapter 21: Avalanche

In the early hours of the morning, Derek found himself inexplicably awake. He lay still for several minutes, listening to the gentle breathing coming from the woman wrapped tightly in his arms, and revelled in the feeling of the barely noticeable expansion within his arms with every breath she took. He smiled at the familiar smell of lavender, his nose buried deeply into her hair. Derek felt more rested that he had felt for two weeks. The simple act of sleeping with her back in his arms had done wonders. He shifted, tightening his arms as he pulled in closer, his right leg stretching between hers to optimize contact; every additional square inch of skin touching, the better. He just wanted to feel her right now, to know she was still here. Even in her unconscious state, she shifted to accommodate him. Her breathing changed for several cycles, and he was afraid she was going to wake up, but she relaxed once again, her breaths evening out.

Derek took a deep breath and smiled as he settled his forehead against the back of her head, happy to just hold her as she slept. He would never get tired of doing so. He liked to think that it proved that she trusted him, that she would stay asleep in his arms, even as he shifted. And she looked so peaceful when she slept. It broke his heart that he couldn't remember ever seeing her so relaxed, so vulnerable, while she was awake. But he was determined that one day, she would trust him like this while she was awake. He would make it happen, would prove his love and devotion, no matter how long it took. If she would let him, he would do anything for her. He would fix everything he had broken, and he would prove she could trust him awake as much as she obviously did while she slept.

He simply couldn't believe how much he loved her. It hit him on a different level than anything with Addison ever had. Not that his marriage had been false; they had loved each other, and it had worked for quite a few years before the start of a gradual decline that dropped off the moment Addison had slept with Mark. With Meredith, however, Derek actually, physically ached for her. When she hurt, he hurt. When she was sad, he was sad. When she smiled, he smiled. It was as if he had been conditioned to feel whatever she was feeling. With Addison, he had comforted her when she was upset, but he hadn't actually known what it was like to feel someone else's pain until now; until Meredith.

Derek closed his eyes, breathing her in as she lay there, unaware, trusting. He wanted to remember what this felt like, just in case. He wasn't one to be sentimental, but this was definitely a moment he wanted to remember; not that he didn't want to remember every moment spent with her, he just felt it with this moment in particular. He just loved her so much.

His mind was slowly growing foggy again, after spending weeks without sleeping for more than a minimal number of hours, it was pushing for more sleep now. And the thought of falling back into near oblivion brought a smile to his lips. To simply let the world fall away, the only thing keeping him grounded being the woman in his arms. He sighed happily, allowing himself to drift back down into sleep.

Beep! Beep! Beep!

Derek groaned, his foggy mind instantly clearing at the realization of the annoying noise. He groaned and immediately chastised himself for forgetting to turn off the alarm the night before. And the horrible beeping sound made it so much worse. They usually set the alarm to music, as Meredith had mentioned she much preferred it as a way to wake up. It was far less jolting. But, when she had been gone, he had switched it back to the buzzer, to ensure he got up in the morning. Not sleeping well didn't go well with getting up early, and being jolted awake was the only way he could ensure he would wake at the appropriate time.

At least neither of them had to be in today. The interns were given the day off to recover from their first shift, which meant their residents were off as well. With the interns being required to work so many hours, there was no reason their residents should be working when they weren't, especially in the first few weeks and months as they were still learning the basic rules. And Derek, having been in every day for almost three weeks, purposely scheduled himself the day off, knowing she would have it off.